Jokes and Trivia for September 6, 2013

“None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.” – Paulo Coelho

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 6th – FRIDAY

249th day of 2013 with 116 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Fight Procrastination Day

*Read a Book Day

*National Coffee Ice Cream Day

*National Courtesy Month

*Chicken Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1766 John Dalton, Cumberland, England, chemist and physicist (Atomic Theory, Law of Multiple Proportions, Dalton’s Law of Partial Pressures, Daltonism)
  • 1811 James Melville Gilliss, Washington, D.C., U.S. Navy officer (founded Naval Observatory in Washington)
  • 1860 Jane Addams, Cedarville, Illinois, social worker (Nobel Peace Prize / helped turn the nation to issues of concern to mothers, such as the needs of children, public health and world peace)
  • 1876 John James Richard Macleod, Scotland, physician and physiologist (Co-discover of insulin)
  • 1888 Joseph P Kennedy, Boston, Massachusetts, financier / diplomat (father of JFK, RFK & Teddy)
  • 1892 Sir Edward Appleton, Bradford, West Yorkshire, England, physicist (Ionospheric Physics, Appleton layer)
  • 1893 Claire Chennault, Commerce, Texas, pilot (aviation trainer and adviser in China; commanded the “Flying Tigers” during World War II)
  • 1906 Luis Federico Leloir, French-born chemist (Galactosemia, Lactose intolerance, Carbohydrate metabolism)
  • 1908 Korczak Ziolkowski, Boston, Massachusetts, sculptor (designed the Crazy Horse Memorial in the Black Hills)
  • 1921 Norman Joseph Woodland, Atlantic City, New Jersey, inventor (co-created the bar code)
  • 1925 Jimmy Reed, Dunleith, Mississippi, American blues singer
  • 1930 Charles Foley, Lafayette, Indiana, game designer (co-created Twister)
  • 1937 Jo Ann Worley, Lowell, Indiana, actress (Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, Match Game, The Wuzzles, Sabrina The Teenage Witch, Wizards of Waverly Place, The Shaggy D.A., Wardrobe / Beauty and the Beast)
  • 1939 Dan Cragg, Rochester, New York, soldier, essayist, and science-fiction author (Starfist Saga series, The StarFirst: Force Recon Saga)
  • 1943 Richard J. Roberts, English biochemist and molecular biologist (Nobel / for introns)
  • 1953 Anne Lockhart, New York City, New York, actress (A Dog’s Tale, Lieutenant Sheba / Battlestar Galactica)
  • 1955 Raymond Benson, Midland, Texas, author (James Bond novels: Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day)
  • 1958 Jeff Foxworthy, Hapeville, Georgia, comedian (Blue Collar Comedy Tour)
  • 1969 Ben Finegold, Detroit, Michigan, chess Grandmaster
  • 1969 Tony DiTerlizzi, Los Angeles, California, author (The Spiderwick Chronicles, Magic: The Gathering)
  • 1974 Justin Whalin, San Francisco, California, actor (Lois & Clark: The Adventures of Superman, Charles in Charge).
  • 1976 Naomie Melanie Harris, London, England, actress (The Tomorrow People, 28 Days Later, Pirates of the Caribbean)
  • 1987 Ramiele Malubay, Dammam, Saudi Arabia, Filipino-American singer, ninth place finalist on the seventh season of the television series American Idol.

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“The best way out is always through.” ― Robert Frost

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1522 The Victoria, the only surviving ship of Ferdinand Magellan’s expedition, returns to Sanlúcar de Barrameda in Spain, becoming the first ship to circumnavigate the world.
  • 1620 The Pilgrims sail from Plymouth, England, on the Mayflower to settle in North America. (Old Style date; September 16 per New Style date.)
  • 1628 Puritans settle Salem, which will later become part of Massachusetts Bay Colony.
  • 1861 American Civil War: Forces under Union General Ulysses S. Grant bloodlessly capture Paducah, Kentucky, which gives the Union control of the mouth of the Tennessee River.
  • 1870 Louisa Ann Swain of Laramie, Wyoming becomes the first woman in the United States1807. to cast a vote legally after 1807.
  • 1901 Anarchist Leon Czolgosz shoots and fatally wounds US President William McKinley at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York.
  • 1983 The Soviet Union admits to shooting down Korean Air Flight KAL-007, stating that the pilots did not know it was a civilian aircraft when it violated Soviet airspace.
  • 1985 Midwest Express Airlines Flight 105, a Douglas DC-9 crashes just after takeoff from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, killing 31.
  • 1986 In Istanbul, two terrorists from Abu Nidal’s organization kill 22 and wound six inside the Neve Shalom synagogue during Shabbat services.
  • 1991 The name Saint Petersburg is restored to Russia’s second largest city, which had been renamed Leningrad in 1924.
  • 1992 Hunters discover the emaciated body of Christopher Johnson McCandless at his camp 20 miles west of the town of Healy, Alaska.
  • 1995 Cal Ripken Jr of the Baltimore Orioles plays in his 2,131st consecutive game, breaking a record that stood for 56 years.
  • 1997 Diana, Princess of Wales is laid to rest in front of a television audience of more than 2.5 billion.

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A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

“Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

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A guy (we’ll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman’s home.

As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.

Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.

He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.

Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

“Aaron, The carpet looks wonderful!” she exclaimed. “Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cellphone?”

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ONE-LINERS: Confucius Says

– Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

– He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

– Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

– Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.

– Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

– Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to”Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1066.

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pic of the day: Hen and Chicks

picture of chicken and babies

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

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A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?”

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A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. “Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?”

“I’ve got a kickstand,” the prospect replied. “Is that the same thing?”

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A Cowboy’s Guilde to Life

1. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

2. Don’t interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none.

3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

4. Always drink upstream from the herd.

5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

7. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still back there.

8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

9. If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.

10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling. ” – Arthur Brisbane

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie

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