Jokes and Trivia for June 13, 2013

Those who do not learn the lessons of history are bound to repeat them. – Santyana 

TODAY – JUNE 13th – THURSDAY

164th day of 2013 with 201 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*Sewing Machine Day

*Kitchen Klutzes of America Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1595 Jan Marek Marci, Bohemian doctor and scientist (crater Marci on the far side of the Moon is named after him)
  • 1822 Carl Schmidt, German chemist (determined typical crystallization patterns of many important biochemicals such as uric acid, oxalic acid and its salts, lactic acid, cholesterin, stearin)
  • 1831 James Clerk Maxwell, Edinburgh, Scotland,  physicist (formulated classical electromagnetic theory)
  • 1865 William Butler Yeats, Ireland, poet (Nobel 1923 /Wild Swans at Coole)
  • 1870 Jules Bordet, Belgian immunologist/microbiologist (Nobel – immunity discoveries)
  • 1892 Basil Rathbone, South Africa, British actor (Sherlock Holmes)
  • 1893 Dorothy Sayers, English author (Lord Peter Wimsey mysteries)
  • 1903 Harold “Red” Grange, Forksville, Pennsylvania, “Galloping Ghost” of football (Illinois Bears)
  • 1911 Luis Alvarez, San Francisco, California, physicist (one of the most brilliant and productive experimental physicists of the twentieth century)
  • 1918 Ben Johnson, Foraker, Oklahoma on Osage Indian Reservation (Cherokee & Irish ancestry), actor (Mighty Joe Young, Rio Grande, Shane, Cheyenne Autumn, Red Dawn, Breakheart Pass, The Monroes, Then Undeated, Chisum, The Last Picture Show, The Sacketts)
  • 1926 Paul Lynde, Mt. Vernon, Ohio, comedian (Uncle Arthur-Bewitched, Hollywood Squares)
  • 1928 John Forbes Nash, Bluefield, West Virginia, mathematician (his theories are used in market economics, computing, evolutionary biology, artificial intelligence, accounting, politics and military theory, Nash is the subject of the Hollywood movie A Beautiful Mind)
  • 1943 Malcolm McDowell, English actor (Dr.Soran/Star Trek Generations, Heros, Hildago)
  • 1951 Richard Thomas, New York City, New York,  actor (The Waltons, Last Summer, Johnny Belinda )
  • 1953 Tim Allen, Denver, Colorado, comedian/actor (Home Improvement, Toy Story, Wild Hogs)
  • 1962 Ally Sheedy, New York City, New York, actress (The Breakfast Club, St Elmo’s, Short Circuit, Maid to Order, Kyly XY, Citizen Jane)
  • 1964 Kathy Burke, London, England,  actress (Nil by Mouth, Perry in Kevin and Perry Go Large, Linda La Hughes in Gimme Gimme Gimme, Love Honour and Obey)
  • 1981 Chris Evans, Sudbury, Massachusetts, actor (Not Another Teen Movie, Fantastic Four , Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Captain America: The First Avenger. )
  • 1986 Kat Dennings, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actress (The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Big Momma’s House 2, Charlie Bartlett, Raise Your Voice, The House Bunny, Defendor and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist )
  • 1986 Ashley Olsen, Sherman Oaks, California, actress (The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley, Two of a Kind, So Little Time )
  • 1986 Mary-Kate Olsen, Sherman Oaks, California, actress (Factory Girl, Weeds, Samantha Who? )
  • 1989 Lisa Tucker, Anaheim, California,  singer, tenth-place finalist on the fifth season of American Idol

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All things are difficult before they are easy. – Thomas Fuller

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1777 Marquis de Lafayette lands near Charleston, South Carolina, in order to help the Continental Congress to train its army during the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1798 Mission San Luis Rey de Francia is founded.
  • 1805 Meriwether Lewis and four companions sight the Great Falls of the Missouri River.
  • 1898 Yukon Territory of Canada organized, Dawson chosen as capital.
  • 1920 United States Postal Service rules that children may not be sent via parcel post.
  • 1927 Aviator Charles Lindbergh receives a ticker-tape parade down 5th Avenue in New York City.
  • 1935 In one of the biggest upsets in championship boxing, the 10 to 1 underdog James J. Braddock defeats Max Baer in Long Island City, New York, and becomes the heavyweight champion of the world.
  • 1942 The United States opens its Office of War Information.
  • 1942 The United States establish the Office of Strategic Services.
  • 1966 The United States Supreme Court rules in Miranda v. Arizona that the police must inform suspects of their rights before questioning them.
  • 1967 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson nominates Solicitor-General Thurgood Marshall to become the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
  • 1969 Governor of Texas Preston Smith signs a bill into law converting the former Southwest Center for Advanced Studies, originally founded as a research arm of Texas Instruments, into the University of Texas at Dallas.
  • 1970 “The Long and Winding Road” becomes the Beatles’ last Number 1 song.
  • 1983 Pioneer 10 becomes 1st man-made object to leave Solar System.
  • 1997 A jury sentences Timothy McVeigh to the death penalty for his part in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.
  • 2000 Italy pardons Mehmet Ali Agca, the Turkish gunman who tried to kill Pope John Paul II in 1981.
  • 2002 The United States of America withdraws from the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty.
  • 2002 Two 14-year-old South Korean girls are struck and killed by a United States Army armored vehicle, leading to months of public protests against the US.
  • 2005 A jury in Santa Maria, California acquits pop singer Michael Jackson of molesting 13-year-old Gavin Arvizo at his Neverland Ranch.
  • 2010 A capsule of the Japanese spacecraft Hayabusa, containing particles of the asteroid 25143 Itokawa, returns to Earth.

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A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”

And she says, “So have I, love.”

To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

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ONE-LINERS: Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat– the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

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In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.

The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.

Thank You

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pic of the day: White Rooster Chicken on Windy Day

white-rooster

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV-‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

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“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “Can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’ ”

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What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
“Why does it work?”

What does a grad student with an engineering degree ask?
“How does it work?”

What does a grad student with an accounting degree ask?
“How much will it cost?”

What does a grad student with a liberal arts degree ask?
“Do you want fries with that?”

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Sewing Machines!

~Thomas Saint, an English inventor and cabinet maker, was issued the first patent for a complete machine for sewing in 1790, however it isn’t known if he made a prototype.

~In 1830, the first functional sewing machine was invented by the French tailor, Barthelemy Thimonnier.  Fearing unemployment because of this invention, an incensed group of French tailors burnt down his garment factory and almost killed him.

~The first American patent was issued to Elias Howe in 1846 for “a process that used thread from two different sources.”

~Isaac Singer built the first commercially successful machine in the 1850’s. It was the first machine where the needle moved up and down rather than the side-to-side and the needle was powered by a foot treadle.

~It was not until 1889 that a sewing machine for use in the home was designed and marketed. By 1905, the electrically-powered sewing machine was in wide use.  (From About.com)

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If the world really did revolve around you, wouldn’t you get awfully dizzy?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. — Dr. Laura Schlessinger

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