Jokes and Trivia for April 1, 2013

Life is easier than you’d think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.  – Kathleen Norris

TODAY – APRIL 1st – MONDAY

91st day day of 2013 with 274 to follow

Holidays for Today:

*April Fool’s Day

*Dyngus Day (always the Monday after Easter)

*International Tatting Day

*National Sourdough Bread Day

*National Humor Month

*Library Week

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1640 Georg Mohr, Copenhagen, mathematician (his contribution to geometry was the Mohr–Mascheroni theorem, proof that any geometric construction which can be done with compass and straightedge can also be done with compasses alone)
  • 1865 Richard Adolf Zsigmondy, Vienna, chemist (Nobel / research in colloids)
  • 1883 Lon Chaney, Sr., Colorado Springs, Colorado, actor (“The Man of a Thousand Faces”: The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Phantom of the Opera)
  • 1898 William James Sidis, Jewish Ukrainian, American mathematician (exceptional mathematical and linguistic abilities)
  • 1919 Joseph Murray, Milford, Massachusetts, surgeon (Nobel / organ and cell transplantation in the treatment of human disease; performed first successful human kidney transplants)
  • 1921 Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith, Clinton, South Carolina, musician and songwriter
  • 1922 William Manchester, Attleboro, Massachusetts, historian (bestselling author of 18 books that have been translated into over 20 languages)
  • 1926 Anne McCaffrey, Cambridge, Massachusetts, author (series: Restoree, Dragonriders of Pern, Brain & Brawn Ship, Doona, Acorna, Petaybee)
  • 1930 Grace Lee Whitney, Ann Arbor, Michigan, actress (Janice Rand of Star Trek original series & movies)
  • 1932 Debbie Reynolds, El Paso, Texas, actress (Singin’ in the Rain, Tammy and the Bachelor, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, The Singing Nun, Halloweentown)
  • 1934 Jim Ed Brown, Sparkman, Arkansas, singer (The Browns)
  • 1939 Ali MacGraw, Pound Ridge, New York, actress (Goodbye Columbus, Love Story, The Getaway)
  • 1939 Rudolph Isley, Cincinnati, Ohio, singer (The Isley Brothers)
  • 1942 Samuel R. Delany, NYC, New York, author (Babel-17, The Einstein Intersection, Nova, Dhalgren, Empire, Dark Reflections, Return to Neveryon series)
  • 1966 Craig Kelly, American snowboarder (“Godfather of Freeriding”, 4 world championships & 3 U.S. championships)
  • 1971 Jessica Collins, Schenectady, New York, actress (The Young and the Restless)
  • 1972 Jesse Tobias, Texas, musician (Red Hot Chili Peppers and Splendid)
  • 1981 Hannah Spearritt, Great Yarmouth, England, British singer and actor (S Club 7)
  • 1982 Sam Huntington, Peterborough, New Hampshire, actor (Being Human, Superman Returns, Fanboys)
  • 1985 Josh Zuckerman, Los Altos, California, actor (Kyle XY, Desperate Housewives, 90210)
  • 1986 Hillary Scott, Nashville, Tennessee, singer (Lady Antebellum)

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Life is the sum of all your choices. – Albert Camus

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1789 The United States House of Representatives holds its first quorum in New York City and elects Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania as its first House Speaker.
  • 1826 The internal combustion engine is patented by Samuel Morey.
  • 1854 Charles Dickens’ Hard Times begins serialization in his magazine, Household Words.
  • 1891 The Wrigley Company is founded in Chicago, Illinois.
  • 1893 The rank of Chief Petty Officer in the United States Navy is established.
  • 1924 The Royal Canadian Air Force is formed.
  • 1949 The Republic of Ireland is formed by the 26 counties of the Irish Free State.
  • 1954 The creation of the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado is authorized by President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
  • 1957 The spaghetti tree hoax is broadcast by the  BBC on its current affairs programme Panorama.
  • 1960 The first television picture from space is transmitted by the TIROS-1 satellite.
  • 1967 The United States Department of Transportation begins operation.
  • 1970 The Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act into law, requiring the Surgeon General’s warnings on tobacco products and banning cigarette advertisements on television and radio in the United States, is signed into law by President Nixon, starting on January 1, 1971.
  • 1976 Apple Inc. is formed by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne.
  • 1976 Conrail takes over operations from six bankrupt railroads in the Northeastern U.S..
  • 1976 The Jovian–Plutonian gravitational effect hoax is first reported by British astronomer Patrick Moore.
  • 2001 An EP-3E United States Navy surveillance aircraft collides with a Chinese People’s Liberation Army Shenyang J-8 fighter jet. The Navy crew makes an emergency landing in Hainan, People’s Republic of China and is detained.
  • 2001 Same-sex marriage becomes legal in the Netherlands, the first country to allow it.
  • 2006 The Serious Organised Crime Agency, dubbed the “British FBI”, is created in the United Kingdom.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

“My son was born on St George’s Day,” remarked the Englishman, “So we obviously decided to call him George.”

“That’s a real coincidence,” observed the Frenchman, “My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.”

“That’s really incredible,” drawled the Irishman, “Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.”

(Note: In the United Kingdom they have a ‘Pancake Day’, otherwise known as Shrove Tuesday.  This marks the start of lent.  During lent one is supposed to fast, hence a day of eating up all the eggs prior to 40 days of deprivation.  Unlike St Patrick’s day which is always on March 17th, Pancake day varies in line with Easter.)

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On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back.

“What’s in the bag?” asked Paddy

“I’m not going to tell,” replied Murphy.

“Go on, do.” pleaded Paddy .

“Ah, all right then, it’s ducks.” announced Murphy.

“If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?” enquired Paddy.

“Look,” said Murphy, “If you guess the correct number, I’ll give you both of them.”

“Five!” said Paddy triumphantly!

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ONE-LINERS: They were soooooo stupid

..They took a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
..They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..They thought a quarterback was a refund.
..They tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
..They thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..They thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..They thought General Motors was in the Army.
..They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..They thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..Under “education” on their job application, they put “Hooked On Phonics.”
..They tripped over a cordless phone.
..They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate.”

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pic of the day: Coyote

coyote picture

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Banks keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I’m deeply indebted.

~ I once went on a date to a restaurant with a girl who had a lazy eye. I left her after I realized she was seeing another guy on the side.

~ I went out with a nurse last night. Someday I hope to be able to go out without one.

~ I think Santa must have river front property in Brazil. All our presents this year came from Amazon.

~ As my small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, I was at a loss as to why I felt blue.

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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

‘So what are your plans?’ the father asks the young man.  ‘I am a Torah scholar,’ he replies.

‘A Torah scholar. Hmmm,’ the father says. ‘admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?’

‘I will study,’ the young man replies, ‘and God will provide for us.’  ‘And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?’ asks the father.

‘I will concentrate on my studies,’ the young man replies, ‘God will provide for us.’  ‘And children?’ asks the father. ‘How will you support children?’

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, ‘How did it go, darling?’  The father answers, ‘He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I’m God.’

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A Macedonian drove six hours across Italy and into Germany before noticing he had left his wife at a petrol station.

Ljubomir Ivanov, 35, only realised he had forgotten wife Iskra, 37, when he got a call on his mobile from police to say she was still waiting for him at the petrol station near Pesaro, in central Italy.

He said, ‘I filled up the tank with petrol, paid and then just drove off. I was very tired and not thinking straight.’

‘She usually sits in the back seat so I didn’t really see she wasn’t there, until I got a call when I was already in Germany.’

Mr. Ivanov immediately drove back to Pesaro to pick up his wife so they could resume their holiday.

‘I had a lot of apologising to do,’ he said.

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TODAY IN TRIVIAWHAT IS SOURDOUGH?

~From the beginning of time until World War II, ALL risen breads were sourdough (or naturally leavened) breads.

~Keep in mind that all sourdoughs are not created equal, and most of the brands you will find in your local supermarket only use a sourdough culture as flavoring, and not as a leavening agent.

~Commercially yeasted breads have need of the addition of oils, sweeteners, conditioners, and preservatives to improve flavor and keeping qualities. Naturally leavened sourdough does not.

~Diabetics can benefit from eating sourdough bread. It has a low glycemic index, which means it will not spike your blood sugar.

~The first recorded civilization we know about that used sourdough was the Egyptians around 1500 BC.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats. – Russian proverb

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. – William Shakespeare