Jokes and Trivia for May 21, 2012

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. – Oprah Winfrey

TODAY – MAY 21st – MONDAY

142nd day of 2012 with 224 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Strawberries and Cream Day

*National Memo Day

*National Waiters and Waitresses Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1688 Alexander Pope, British poet, translater of Homer (known for use of heroic couplet)
  • 1792 Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis, Paris, scientist (supplementary forces that are detected in a rotating frame of reference)
  • 1873 Hans Berger, Neuses, Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, neuroscientist ( first to record human electroencephalograms (EEGs or “brain waves”) in 1924, for which he invented the electroencephalogram (giving the device its name), and the discoverer of the alpha wave rhythm known as “Berger’s wave”)
  • 1878 Glenn Curtiss, Hammondsport, New York, aviation engineer (founder of U.S. aircraft industry, made first officially witnessed flight in North America, pioneer naval aviation)
  • 1904 Robert Montgomery, Beacon, New York, actor (Night Must Fall, Here Comes Mr. Jordan, They Were Expendable)
  • 1916 Harold Robbins, NYC, New York, author (The Dream Merchants, The Carpetbaggers, Descent from Xanadu, Tycoon, Sin City)
  • 1917 Raymond Burr, Canadian actor (Perry Mason, Ironside, Godzilla 1985)
  • 1921 A.S. Douglas, London, England, computer scientist (credited with creating the first graphical Computer game OXO)
  • 1934 Bengt I. Samuelsson, Halmstad, biochemist, known for prostaglandins
  • 1941 Ronald Isley, Cincinnati, Ohio, singer (The Isley Brothers)
  • 1952 Mr. T (Laurence Tureaud),  Chicago, Illinois, actor and professional wrestler (The A-Team, Rocky III, I Pity the Fool)
  • 1957 Judge Reinhold, Wilmington, Delaware, actor (Dr. Dolittle Million Dollar Mutts, Beverly Hills Cop, Ruthless People, Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
  • 1964 Carolyn Lawrence, Baltimore, Maryland, actress, voice (Sandy Cheeks on SpongeBob SquarePants, Cindy Vortex on The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Morel Orel, Resident Evil 4)
  • 1967 Lisa Edelstein, Boston, Massachusetts, actress (Dr. Lisa Cuddy on House, Relativity)
  • 1973 Stewart Cink, Huntsville, Alabama, golfer (won 2009 Open championship)
  • 1985 Mutya Buena, Kingsbury, London, England,  singer (Sugababes)
  • 1992 Olivia Olson, Los Angeles, California, singer and actress (voice of Vanessa in Phineas and Ferb, and Marceline in Adventure Time with Finn and Jake)

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A day without a laugh is a wasted day. – Charles Chaplin

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1758 Ten-year-old Mary Campbell is abducted in Pennsylvania by Lenape during the French and Indian War (returned some six and a half years later).
  • 1856 Lawrence, Kansas is captured and burned by pro-slavery forces.
  • 1881 The American Red Cross is established by Clara Barton in Washington, D.C..
  • 1894 The Manchester Ship Canal in England is officially opened by Queen Victoria, who later knights its designer Sir Edward Leader Williams.
  • 1904 The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) is founded in Paris.
  • 1917 The Great Atlanta fire of 1917 causes $5.5 million in damages, destroying some 300 acres including 2,000 homes, businesses and churches, displacing about 10,000 people and leading to only fatality (due to heart attack).
  • 1924 University of Chicago students Richard Loeb and Nathan Leopold, Jr. murder 14-year-old Bobby Franks in a “thrill killing”.
  • 1927 Charles Lindbergh touches down at Le Bourget Field in Paris, completing the world’s first solo nonstop flight across the Atlantic Ocean.
  • 1932 Bad weather forces Amelia Earhart to land in a pasture in Derry, Northern Ireland, and she thereby becomes the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.
  • 1934 Oskaloosa, Iowa, becomes the first municipality in the United States to fingerprint all of its citizens.
  • 1937 A Soviet station, North Pole-1, becomes the first scientific research settlement to operate on the drift ice of the Arctic Ocean.
  • 1946 Physicist Louis Slotin is fatally irradiated in a criticality incident during an experiment with the Demon core at Los Alamos National Laboratory.
  • 1951 The opening of the Ninth Street Show, otherwise known as the 9th Street Art Exhibition – a gathering of a number of notable artists, and the stepping-out of the post war New York avant-garde, collectively known as the New York School.
  • 1961 Alabama Governor John Malcolm Patterson declares martial law in an attempt to restore order after race riots break out.
  • 1990 The Democratic Republic of Yemen and North Yemen agree to merge into the Republic of Yemen.
  • 1991 Former Indian prime minister Rajiv Gandhi is assassinated by a female suicide bomber near Madras.
  • 1998 In Miami, Florida, five abortion clinics are hit by a butyric acid attacker.
  • 2001 French Taubira law is enacted, officially recognizing the Atlantic slave trade and slavery as crimes against humanity.
  • 2003 An earthquake hits northern Algeria killing more than 2,000 people.
  • 2005 The tallest roller coaster in the world, Kingda Ka opens at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson Township, New Jersey.
  • 2006 The Republic of Montenegro holds a referendum proposing independence from the State Union of Serbia and Montenegro. The Montenegrin people choose independence with a majority of 55%.
  • 2010 JAXA, the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, launches the solar-sail spacecraft IKAROS aboard an H-IIA rocket. The vessel would make a Venus flyby late in the year.

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BUSINESS PERSONNEL DEFINED…

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

MANAGER:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says “look at the choo-choo”
Wets self with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to self

SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God

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ONE-LINERS:

~Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

~I went fishing with a dotted line….I caught every other fish.

~I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

~In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.

~Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow

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pic of the day: Glenn Curtiss, aviation pioneer in France in 1909

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

In a village a long time ago there lived a people called Nids, they were midgets. Every day the Nids went into the fields to farm. But every day a giant would wander though the fields kicking the Nids. So, one day the Nids finally got fed up and went to the town Rabbi for advice. The Rabbi said not to worry and that he’d handle it.

So, one day the Rabbi went into the fields dressed as a Nid. Eventually, the giant showed up for his usual routine of kicking the Nids. But when the giant reached the Rabbi he just stepped over him and continued along his way. The Rabbi wondered about this and chased after the giant and yelled, “Hey! I’m a Nid! Why didn’t you kick me?” The giant simply replied, “Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Nids!”

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The principal of a middle school had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.

Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.  One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The principal then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate.

The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.

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Steve Wright Quips:

* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA
:Additional facts on Strawberries

~
Berries on a straw? There is a legend that strawberries were named in the nineteenth-century by English children who picked the fruit, strung them on grass straws and sold them as “Straws of berries”.

~The modern Italian word for strawberry is still “Fragola”.

~Indians called strawberries “heart-seed berries” and pounded them into their traditional corn-meal bread. Discovering the great taste of the Native Americans bread, colonists decided to create their own version, which became an American favorite that we all know and love .. Strawberry Shortcake.

~In fourteenth-century France, Charles V ordered twelve hundred strawberry plants to be grown in the Royal Gardens of the Louvre.

~Strawberries have long been associated with love and flirtation.

~Strawberry lovers are labelled as “health conscious, fun loving, intelligent and happy.” Non-strawberry lovers, on the other hand, were described as “weird, boring, stuffy–picky, fussy eaters who avoid healthy foods.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. – Oprah Winfrey