Jokes and Trivia for April 11, 2013

The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goals to reach. – Benjamin Mays

TODAY – APRIL 11th – THURSDAY

101st day of 2013 with 264 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Eight Track Tape Day

*Barbershop Quartet Day

*National Submarine Day

*National Cheese Fondue Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1899 Percy Lavon Julian,  Montgomery, Alabama, chemist (pioneer in the chemical synthesis of medicinal drugs from plants)
  • 1901 Adriano Olivetti, Italian engineer/manufacturer (typewriters, calculators & computers)
  • 1906 Dale Messick, South Bend, Indiana, cartoonist (creator of Brenda Starr)
  • 1913 Oleg Cassini, Paris, France, fashion designer (for Jackie Kennedy)
  • 1928 Ethel [Skakel] Kennedy, Chicago, Illinois (widow of Robert Kennedy)
  • 1930 Nicholas F Brady, New York City, New York, 68th US Secretary of Treasury (1988-93)
  • 1931 John[ny] Sheffield, Pasadena, California, actor (boy in many Tarzan movies; Bomba the Jungle Boy, Bantu the Zebra Boy)
  • 1941 Frederick “Rick” Hauck, Long Beach, California, astronaut (STS-7, STS 51-A, STS-26)
  • 1944 John Milius, St. Louis, Missouri, screenwriter & director (Red Dawn, 1941, Big Wednesday, Rough Riders, Conan the Barbarian)
  • 1947 Peter Riegert, The Bronx, New York, actor (The Sopranos )
  • 1951 James Patrick Kelly, Mineola, New York,   author (Think Like a Dinosaur )
  • 1970 Johnny Messner, Syracuse, New York, actor (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation )
  • 1971 Oliver Riedel, Schwerin, East Germany,  musician (Rammstein)
  • 1971 Vicellous Reon Shannon, Memphis, Tennessee, actor (The Hurricane)
  • 1973 Jennifer Esposito, Brooklyn, New York,actress (I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Summer of Sam, CrashSpin City, Samantha Who?)
  • 1979 Josh Server, Highland Park, Illinois, actor (All That )
  • 1984 Kelli Garner, Kern County, California, actress (Man of the House, The Aviator, Bully, Thumbsucker)
  • 2000 Morgan Lily, Santa Monica, California, actress (He’s Just Not That Into You, 2012, Flipped, Love’s Resounding Courage)
  • 2002 Alexa Gerasimovich, Long Island, New York,  actress (All My Children)

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Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help you create the fact. – William James

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1814 The Treaty of Fontainebleau ends the War of the Sixth Coalition against Napoleon Bonaparte, and forces him to abdicate unconditionally for the first time.
  • 1888 The Concertgebouw in Amsterdam is inaugurated.
  • 1899 Spain cedes Puerto Rico to the United States.
  • 1905 Albert Einstein reveals his Theory of Relativity (special relativity).
  • 1919 The International Labour Organization is founded.
  • 1921 The Emirate of Transjordan is created.
  • 1945 Allies liberate 1st Nazi concentration camp, Buchenwald, Germany.
  • 1957 Ryan X-13 Vertijet becomes 1st jet to take-off & land vertically.
  • 1968 President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1968, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing.
  • 1970 Apollo 13 is launched.
  • 1976 The Apple I is created.
  • 1984 Challenger astronauts complete first in space satellite repair.
  • 1993 450 prisoners rioted at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility in Lucasville, Ohio, and continued to do so for ten days, citing grievances related to prison conditions, as well as the forced vaccination of Nation of Islam prisoners (for tuberculosis) against their religious beliefs.
  • 2001  Australia beats American Samoa in a 31-0 win, the biggest ever in an international match of football.

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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, “You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?”

“Yes,” I replied, “That is a good analogy.”

“I don’t know how to make egg rolls,” another mother said anxiously. “Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?”

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My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”

My wife smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

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ONE-LINERS: Haiku Error Messages, Part III

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can’t bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the darned file, Hal
Open the file, please Hal

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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pic of the day: Squirrel in the Springtime

squirrel in spring

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!”

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Perhaps you’ve heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.

“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.

“Yes, I do,” the patient replied.

“Very well, then,” the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”

“Oh my goodness!” the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: SUBMARINES

~The first workable submarine was a rowing boat covered with waterproofed skins, built by Dutch scientist Cornelius Van Drebbel in 1620.

~In 1776 David Bushnell’s one-man submarine, the Turtle, attacked British ships in America’s War of Independence.

~The tower on top of a submarine is called the sail or conning tower.

~Most subs are designed for war and have long missiles called torpedoes. This is to fire at enemy ships.

~Attack subs have torpedoes and guided missiles for attacking ships.

~Ballistic subs have missiles with nuclear warheads for firing at land targets.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If one has not given everything, one has given nothing. – Georges Guynemer

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The greatest men sometimes overshoot themselves, but then their very mistakes are so many lessons of instruction. – Tom Browne