Tag Archives: Alcatraz

Humor for May 2, 2017

Sometimes questions are more important than answers. – Nancy Willard

TODAY – MAY 2nd – TUESDAY

122nd day of 2017 with 243 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 44% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Baby Day
~ Brothers and Sisters Day
~ National Truffles Day
~ Date Your Mate Month
~ National Barbecue Month
~ National Hamburger Month
~ National Salad Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1837 General Henry M. Robert, Robertville, South Carolina, army engineer, author (Pocket Manual of Rules of Order for Deliberative Assemblies)
  • 1844 Elijah McCoy, Ontario, Canada, Inventor (held over 50 patents including a lubricator for steam engines (“the Real McCoy”))
  • 1890 E[dward] E[lmer] “Doc” Smith, Shevovoan, Wisconsin, sci-fi author (Triplanetary)
  • 1925 Roscoe Lee Browne, Woodbury, New Jersey, actor (Black Like Me, Logan’s Run, Legal Eagles, Treasure Planet)
  • 1936 Engelbert Humperdinck, Indian-English singer (Release Me) and pianist.
  • 1946 David Suchet, English actor (Oppenheimer, The Way we Live Now, Thirteen at Dinner, Agatha Christie’s Poirot, Decline and Fall)
  • 1952 Christine Baranski, Buffalo, New York, actress (Cybill, The Big Bang Theory (Leonard’s mother), The Good Wife, Legal Eagles, Addams Family Values, Chicago, The Good Fight)
  • 1972 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Hayward, California, professional wrestler, actor (The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King, Get Smart, Race to Witch Mountain, Tooth Fairy, Hercules, San Andreas, Moana)
  • 1980 Ellie Kemper, Kansas City, Missouri, actress (The Office, Bridesmaids, 21 Jump Street, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)
  • 1985 Kyle Thomas Busch, Las Vegas, Nevada, race car driver and team owner

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Life seems nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings. – From the movie Mansfield Park
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 The first scientific study of the Gulf Stream is completed by Benjamin Franklin.
  • 1863 During the Civil War Stonewall Jackson is wounded by friendly fire while returning to camp after reconnoitering during the Battle of Chancellorsville. He succumbs to pneumonia eight days later.
  • 1885 “Good Housekeeping” magazine is first published.
  • 1932 Comedian Jack Benny’s radio show airs for the first time.
  • 1945 World War II: The US 82nd Airborne Division liberates Wöbbelin concentration camp finding 1000 dead inmates, most starved to death.
  • 1946 The “Battle of Alcatraz” takes place, killing two guards and three inmates. (see pictures below)
  • 1955 Tennessee Williams wins the Pulitzer Prize for Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
  • 2000 President Bill Clinton announces that accurate GPS access would no longer be restricted to the United States military.
  • 2012 Selling for $120 million in a New York City auction, a pastel version of The Scream, by Norwegian painter Edvard Munch set a new world record for a work of art at auction.

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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”

The student takes the pill, swallows it and finds he now knows all about Shakespeare and Marlowe!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“I have pills for art history, biology, and world history.”

“Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?!?”

“Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

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In my state, personalized license plates are very common, since the state only charges $10 for them. Many married couples will have both of their initials put on their license plates.

Today I saw the plate:

DIA – REA.

If I were them, I probably would have reversed the order.

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ONE-LINERS: 25 Phrases Of Wisdom . . .

  1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  3. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  4. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  6. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  7. Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of checks.
  8. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  9. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  10. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  11. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  12. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  13. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  14. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  15. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  16. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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A young woman brought her fiance to visit her parents. After a nice dinner, the father invited the fiance to the library for a talk.

“So what are your plans?” he asked the young man.

“I am a seminary student,” he replied.

“A seminary student. Hmmm,” said the father. “Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter?”

“I will study,” the young man said, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her an engagement ring, such as she deserves?”

“I will focus on my studies and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you support your children?”

“Don’t worry, sir. God will provide.”

The conversation continued like this; each time the father questioned, the young man insisted that God would provide.

Later, when the mother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, “Well, he has no job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I’m God!”

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pic of the day: Battle of Alcatraz

picture of sign at AlcatrazPicture of sign at Alcatraz
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“Doctor, doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I’m addicted to Twitter!”
“Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

—–

“Doctor, doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I keep thinking I’m an elevator!”
“You may be coming going down with something.”

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The college professor was pleased when her toddler became eligible to attend the university’s day care center. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities.

To assure herself of the center’s high standards, the mother asked about the curriculum.

“Today we are studying the children’s favorite philosopher: Pla-Doh.”

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I went on a cruise recently. As we passed a small island I saw a bearded man shouting and desperately waving his hands.

I immediately reported it to the captain. “Who is it?” I asked.

“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes crazy.”

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A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff’s story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: “Were you gambling, Father?” The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and then said aloud: “No, your honor, I was not gambling.”

“Were you gambling, Reverend?” the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest’s actions and said, “No, your honor, I was not.”

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: “Were you gambling, Rabbi?”

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied “With whom?”

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Woman Should Have … Every Woman Should Know
1) Aspire to be Barbie ­ That girl has everything.
2) If the shoe fits – Buy them in every colour.
3) Take life with a pinch of salt – A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4) In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls.
5) Go on the 30 day diet.- I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days.
6) When life gets you down – Just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7)Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8)I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s OK. – They know me here.
9)Lead me not into temptation. – I can find it myself.
10)Don’t get your knickers in a knot. – It solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11) When life gives you lemons in 2010 – Turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12) Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man – There is probably some woman tired of his behaviour.
13) Keep your chin up: Only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14) If it has Tyres or Testicles ­ it’s going to give you trouble.
15) By the time a women realizes her mother was right: She has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What sort of golf did Kipling invent? English writer, Rudyard Kipling, invented snow golf while living in Vermont. He painted his golf balls red so he could find them.

~What are Sedimentary rocks used for? Sedimentary rocks are used to make cement, glass, fertilizer, baking soda, laundry bleach, and aspirin.

~How long is a rataan palm stem? Rattan palms found in the jungles of Southeast Asia have vine-like stems that trail along the jungle floor up to 250 feet in all directions.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way – Henny Youngman

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. – Marie Curie