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Humor for July 22, 2016

If you wish me to weep, you must mourn first yourself. – Horace

TODAY – JULY 22nd – FRIDAY

204th day of 2016 with 162 days to follow. Moon is waning with 93% visible.

Holidays for Today:
*Hammock Day
*Ratcatcher’s Day
*Spoonerism Day
*National Penuche Fudge Day
*Pi Approximation Day (22/7 in the day/month date format), since the fraction 22⁄7 is a common approximation of π, which is accurate to two decimal places and dates from Archimedes)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1844 Rev William Archibald Spooner, England, priest and scholar (invented “spoonerisms”)
  • 1849 Emma Lazarus, New York City, New York, poet (“The New Colossus” on base of Statue of Liberty)
  • 1882 Edward Hopper, Nyack, New York, painter (House by the Railroad)
  • 1887 Gustav Hertz, German quantum physicist (Nobel 1925/inelastic electron collisions in gases)
  • 1890 Rose Kennedy, Boston, Maine, Kennedy family matriarch
  • 1893 Karl Menninger, Topeka, Kansas, psychiatrist (Dean of American Psychiatry)
  • 1898 Alexander Calder, Lawnton, Pennsylvania, sculptor (Invented the mobile, a kinetic sculpture with balanced or suspended parts)
  • 1898 Stephen Vincent Benet, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, writer/poet (John Brown’s Body, The Devil & Daniel Webster)
  • 1908 Amy Vanderbilt, NYC, New York, authority on etiquette (Complete Book of Etiquette)
  • 1914 Edward (Rolke) Farber, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, pioneer in electronic lighting (inventor of flash for cameras)
  • 1923 Robert Dole, Russell, Kansas, attorney and politician (Kansas Senator, Gerald Ford’s running mate in 1976 presidential election, Republican nominee in presidential election 1996)
  • 1928 Orson Bean, Burlington, Vermont, actor/comedian (I’ve Got a Secret, To Tell the Truth)
  • 1934 Louise Fletcher, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Picket Fences, Kai Winn Adami in Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
  • 1936 Tom Robbins, Blowing Rock, North Carolina, author (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Another Roadside Attraction)
  • 1940 Alex Trebek, Ontario, Canada, TV game host (High Rollers, Jeopardy)
  • 1946 Danny Glover, San Francisco, California, actor (The Color Purple, Lethal Weapon, Mandela, Lonesome Dove, Predator 2, The Prince of Egypt, Freedom Song, Just a Dream, 2012, Touch)
  • 1955 William Dafoe, Appleton, Wisconsin, actor (Roadhouse 66, Platoon, The Last Temptation of Christ, Wild at Heart, The English Patient, Shadow of the Vampire, Spider-Man, Auto Focus, John Carter, The Fault in Our Stars, John Wick, Finding Dory)
  • 1965 Patrick Laborteaux, Los Angeles, California, actor (Little House on Prairie, JAG, 3 Ninjas, 2012: Ice Age)
  • 1967 Irene Bedard, Anchorage, Alaska, actress (Lakota Woman: Siege at Wounded Knee, Pocahontas, Greasewood Flat, Into the West, Love’s Long Journey, The Tree of Life, Longmire)
  • 1972 Colin Ferguson, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, actor (Eureka, Lake Placid 3, Then Came You, Haven, Cedar Cove)
  • 1996 Skyler Gisondo, Palm Beach County, Florida, actor (The Bill Engvall Show, Halloween, B-Dawg voice on Air Buddies series, Psych, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb, Vacation)

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Wisdom lies in taking everything with good humor and a grain of salt. – George Santayana
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1587 An attempt to re-establish the deserted Roanoke colony on Roanoke Island (off North Carolina) is made as a second group of English settlers arrive.
  • 1686 Governor Thomas Dongan formally charters Albany, New York as a municipality.
  • 1796 Connecticut Land Company surveyors named an area in Ohio “Cleveland” after Gen. Moses Cleaveland, the superintendent of the surveying party.
  • 1894 In France the first ever motor race is held between the cities of Paris and Rouen. The fastest finisher was the Comte Jules-Albert de Dion, but The ‘official’ victory was awarded to Albert Lemaître driving his 3 hp petrol engined Peugeot.
  • 1916 A bomb exploded on Market Street in San Francisco, California, during a Preparedness Day parade killing 10 and injuring 40.
  • 1933 The first person to fly solo around the world was Wiley Post. He traveled 15,596 miles (25,099 km) in 7 days, 18 hours and 45 minutes.
  • 1934 “Public Enemy No. 1” John Dillinger is mortally wounded outside Chicago’s Biograph Theater by FBI agents.
  • 1937 President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s proposal to add more justices to the Supreme Court of the United States is voted down by the United States Senate.
  • 1942 Compulsory civilian gasoline rationing due to the wartime demands starts in the United States.
  • 1942 As part of the Holocaust, the systematic deportation of Jews from the Warsaw Ghetto begins.
  • 1952 Patent for “Self-propelled sprinkling irrigating apparatus” to water large circles of crops issued to Frank L. Zyback of Strasburg, Colorado.
  • 1983 First solo helicopter flight around the world completed by Dick Smith.
  • 1989 Tony Aliengena became youngest pilot to complete flight around the world at age 11 years.
  • 1991 After police discover human remains in Jeffrey Dahmer’s apartment in Milwaukee, he is arrested.
  • 2003 Members of 101st Airborne of the United States, aided by Special Forces, attack a compound in Iraq, killing Saddam Hussein’s sons Uday and Qusay, along with Mustapha Hussein, Qusay’s 14-year old son, and a bodyguard.
  • 2005 Jean Charles de Menezes is killed by police as the hunt begins for the London Bombers responsible for the 7 July 2005 London bombings and the 21 July 2005 London bombings.

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.”

The next day there was a hailstorm. “This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for a week.

Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “My radio is broken.”

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At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

‘It won’t work,’ Judi countered. ‘I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt.’

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ONE-LINERS:

~It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

~Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

~The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

~It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

~Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.

~You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

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A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

“Why are you pouring the water out, dear?” asked the mother.

“Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn’t work,” he replied.

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pic of the day: English Shepherd pup, 3 months old

pic of farm collie pup
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A little pig walks into a bar. He has a couple of beers, then asks the bartender, “Which way to the bathroom?”

“Down the hall, first door on your left.”

The pig visits the bathroom and leaves the bar.

Then another little pig comes into the bar. He also has a few beers, uses the bathroom leaves.

Later, another little pig follows the same ritual, and then another. The bartender thinks, “I’m beginning to see a pattern here.”

Finally, yet another little pig walks in. He has a few beers, gets up and starts to walk out. The says, “Aren’t you going to use the bathroom?”

“No, I’m going wee, wee, wee all the way home.”

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After I had grown up and become a man, my father and I were seated in front of the TV, during a football game’s halftime exercises.
Dad remarked, “Son, every time I gave you a whipping when you were bad, you’d go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that.”
Without taking my eyes off the TV, I replied, “I was ‘getting even’ with you, for whipping me.”
Dad, startled, replied, “How? By cleaning the toilet?”
“No,” I answered, “by scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.”

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A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* Of course, the convention’s going all week. And I saw that it actually has a different theme each night. That’s right, the themes are “Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.” – Jimmy Fallon
* After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this week’s Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind his mom’s leg. – Seth Meyers
* What I don’t understand is, yeah, we knew [Trump was going to be the nominee] but there was supposed to be a floor fight. Bikers chain-whipping the Rules Committee. Ted Cruz trying to cut out Reince Priebus’ eyeball with a broken bottle. We were promised excitement! But none of that happened. They voted. He got it. That’s it. – Stephen Colbert
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DOCTOR FUNNY #1

After the doctor gave the patient his diagnosis, the patient asked, “Can I have a second opinion?”

The doctor replied, “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

DOCTOR FUNNY #2

Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”

“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How successful was ‘The Squaw Man?’ When Cecil B. De Mille released his silent film ‘The Squaw Man’ in 1914, it became one of the movie industry’s first nationwide box-office successes. It cost only $15,000 to make and earned more than $225,000. It was also the first film that De Mille wrote and directed; prior to The Squaw Man, De Mille worked solely as a screenwriter.

~How heavy did Newton think the earth was? Newton estimated correctly that the Earth had a mass of 6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons and a density of about five-and-a-half times that of water. The fact wasn’t demonstrated until one century after his estimate.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few. – Shunryu Suzuki