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Humor for May 22, 2017

Let your life mean something. Become an inspiration to others so that they may try to do more and to become more than they are today. – Thomas D. Willhite

TODAY – MAY 22nd – MONDAY

142nd day of 2017 with 223 days to follow. Moon waning with 16% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Buy a Musical Instrument Day
~ International Day for Biological Diversity
~ National Maritime Day
~ National Vanilla Pudding Day
~ Victoria Day (Canada: last Monday before May 25)
~ World Goth Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1813 Richard Wagner, German composer (The Flying Dutchman, Ride of the Valkyries, Wedding March from opera Lohengnn)
  • 1859 Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Scottish physician and writer (Sherlock Holmes stories: The Hounds of the Baskervilles, The Speckled Band, The Sign of the Four)
  • 1907 Sir Laurence Olivier, English stage and screen actor (Spartacus, Sleuth, Marathon Man, Khartoum, Clash of the Titans, narrated The World at War)
  • 1938 Richard Benjamin, New York City, New York, actor (Goodbye, Columbus, Catch-22, Portnoy’s Complaint, Westworld, Quark, Love at First Bite)
  • 1938 Frank Converse, St. Louis, Missouri, actor (Coronet Blue, N.Y.P.D.; Movin’ On, Anne of Green Gables)
  • 1947 Andreas Gerasimos Michalitsianos, Greek-American astronomer and a NASA astrophysicist (worked with Hubble Space Telescope, International Ultraviolet Explorer, symbiotic stars)
  • 1964 Mark Christopher Lawrence, Los Angeles, California, actor (Terminator 2 Judgment Day, Planet of the Apes, Lost Treasure, The Pursuit of Happyness, Chuck)
  • 1967 Brooke Smith, New York, New York, actress (The Silence of the Lambs, Crossing Jordan, Grey’s Anatomy, Bosch, Bates Motel)
  • 1970 Naomi Campbell, British super model and actress (New York Undercover, Unzipped, Empire, Zoolander 2, Star)
  • 1972 Anna Belknap, Damariscotta, Maine, actress (CSI: NY, The Handler, Medical Investigation, Alchemy, No Way Jose)
  • 1974 Sean Gunn, St. Louis, Missouri, actor (Gilmore Girls, Pearl Harbor, Guardians of the Galaxy)
  • 1978 Ginnifer Goodwin, Memphis, Tennessee, actress (Big Love, Mona Lisa Smile , Something Borrowed, He’s Just Not That into You, Once Upon a Time, Electric City, Zootopia)
  • 1982 Apolo Anton Ohno, Seattle, Washington, short track speed skater (2 gold, 2 silver, 4 bronze medals; Dancing with the Stars 4th season champion w/Julianne Hough)

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Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time. – Leo Buscaglia
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1843 Thousands of people and their cattle head west via wagon train from Independence, Missouri to what would later become the Oregon Territory. It is part of the Great Migration. They follow what is now known as the Oregon Trail.
  • 1906 The Wright brothers are granted U.S. patent number 821,393 for their Flying-Machine.
  • 1915 Lassen Peak, located in the Shasta Cascade region of Northern California, erupts with a powerful force and spreads volcanic ash 200 miles away. It is the only mountain other than Mount St. Helens to erupt in the continental U.S. during the 20th century.
  • 1960 An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the moment magnitude scale, now known as the Great Chilean Earthquake, hits southern Chile. It is the most powerful earthquake ever recorded.
  • 1990 Microsoft releases the Windows 3.0 operating system.
  • 2002 In Washington, D.C., the remains of the missing Chandra Levy are found in Rock Creek Park.
  • 2002 American civil rights movement: a jury in Birmingham, Alabama, convicts former Ku Klux Klan member Bobby Frank Cherry of the 1963 murders of four girls in the bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church.
  • 2003 In Fort Worth, Texas, Annika Sörenstam becomes the first woman to play the PGA Tour in 58 years.
  • 2004 The U.S. town of Hallam, Nebraska, is wiped out by a powerful F4 tornado (part of the May 2004 tornado outbreak sequence) that broke a width record at an astounding 2.5 miles (4.0 km) wide, which kills one resident.
  • 2008 The Late-May 2008 tornado outbreak sequence unleashes 235 tornadoes, including an EF4 and an EF5 tornado, between May 22 and May 31, 2008. The tornadoes strike 19 states and one Canadian province.
  • 2011 An EF5 tornado strikes Joplin, Missouri, killing 162 people and wreaking $2.8 billion worth in damage—the costliest and seventh-deadliest single tornado in U.S. history.

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TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW
~ Text on webpages display as Morse Code
~ Graphics arrive via FedEx
~ You believe a heavier string might improve your connection
~ You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later
~ Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon
~ ESPN website exhibits “Heisman Trophy Winner”…for 1989
~ You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “PacMan”
~ Everyone you talk to on the Skype sounds like Forrest Gump
~ You receive emails with stamps on them
~ When you click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
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He was excited and nervous about the birth of his first child. When the anticipated day arrived, the father-to-be drove his wife quickly to the hospital, speeding past the admitting entrance.

“Honey, that’s where we’re supposed to go,”

“No, dear, I saw a sign that said DELIVERIES IN THE REAR.”

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ONE-LINERS: There are many perks to getting older. Such as closer parking, discounts, and the fact that you’re least likely to get kidnapped. Here are some signs that maybe, just maybe, you might be getting a little older:
~ You walk into a room and forget why you’re there. Repeat four times before realizing you just wanted a drink of water.
~ You’re asleep, but others worry you’re dead.
~ Your friend is dating someone less than half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.
~ People call you at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you?” They did.
~ Happy hour is a nap.
~ You have a party and your neighbors don’t even realize it.
~ You have more hair in your ears than on your head. And you don’t care.
~ It takes three tries to get up from the couch.
~ It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
~ You sink your teeth into a grilled cheese. They stay there.
~ The twinkle in your eye is just the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
~ You can’t remember where you put your glasses. An hour later you remember you’re wearing your glasses.
~ You sit in a rocking chair, but you can’t get it going.
~ Your secrets are always safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
~ You don’t have any trouble tying shoelaces. All your shoes are slip-ons.
~ Adult diapers? Actually, they’re kind of convenient.
~ You look both ways before crossing a room.
~ Your worst enemy? Gravity.
~ You see toys from your childhood. In a museum.
~ Your knees buckle. Your belt won’t.
~ You start every sentence with “Nowadays …” or, “When I was your age …”
~ Someone says it’s windy today, and you reply, “No, it’s Thursday.”
~ You pet your cat on the bathroom counter.
~ You get winded on the stairs. Going down.
~ You wonder when they started letting elementary school kids become doctors.
~ You have ever used the word “whippersnapper”.
~ You realize you can’t find some of your favorite magazines on the racks any more: Colliers, Coronet, Life, Look, Galaxy …
~ People start letting you go through doors first.
~ You no longer have to worry about strange men offering you candy. Or wine.
~ You know the difference between “your” and “you’re”; “its” and “it’s”; “there”, “they’re” and “their”; and you’re annoyed when you notice them misused.
~ You have ever referred to yourself using a ‘C’ word: Crotchety, Curmudgeon, Codger, Coot.
~ Other people have begun referring to you as “eccentric”.
~ Your drivers license goes from “black” to “salt & pepper” to “grey” to “flesh-toned”.
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pic of the day:  Hen and Chicks in Field of Clover

hen and chicks
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

There were three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon, mirages came and went and came again – visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But no avail, the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them froze, “Psssst” said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing. “Le voila”, said he, “Regardez, mes amis, isn’t that a bacon tree on the horizon?”

And sure enough, there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object afar off. Inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, until they were within a stone’s throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice: “That was no bacon tree,” he gasped, “that was an ‘ham bush”.

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I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

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Washer, the tomcat, was heard running up and down the alley for hours. Ian, his neighbor ‘phoned Alan [the cat’s owner] and asked what was happening.

Alan replied, “Well, I had Washer neutered today, and he’s going around cancelling all his engagements.”

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water.”

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”

“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” said the dietitian.

The man lowered his head and responded, “Wedding cake?”

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Michael really hated his wife, Patricia’s cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good. Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it’s way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it’s way home.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later, he ‘phoned Patricia, ‘Darling, is the cat there?’.

‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘Why?’

Michael replied bitterly, ‘Put that crazy animal on the ‘phone. I’m lost and need directions.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many drops in a bottle of Tabasco Sauce? Each 2-ounce bottle of Tabasco Sauce contains at least 720 drops of sauce. The fiery pepper sauce is produced by the McIlhenny family, and the McIlhenny Company was founded back in 1868 at Avery Island, Louisiana.

~ What were the requirements to become a Mercury astronaut? In order to become an astronaut, applicants to NASA’s Mercury Space program in 1959 were required to be in a branch of the military; be under 40 years old and shorter than 5 feet, 11 inches; demonstrate perfect eyesight and excellent physical condition; hold a bachelor’s degree or equivalent in engineering; be a qualified jet pilot and have logged at least 1,500 hours of flying time.

~ Why is the Andrea Doria disaster so well known? The incident and the aftermath were heavily covered by the news media. While the rescue efforts were both successful and commendable, the cause of the collision and the capsizing and sinking of the Andrea Doria afterward generated much interest in the media, and many lawsuits. The Andrea Doria was the last major transatlantic passenger vessel to sink before airplanes became the preferred method of travel.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. – Tartakower

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more important than something else. If what already is, is more important than what isn’t, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what isn’t, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. – Werner Erhard