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Humor for July 3, 2017

Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared. – Eddie Rickenbacker

TODAY – JULY 3rd – MONDAY

184th day of 2017 with 181 days to follow. Moon waxing with 74% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Compliment Your Mirror Day
~ Disobedience Day
~ Eat Beans Day
~ National Chocolate Wafer Day
~ Stay out of the Sun Day
~ Dog Days of Summer Begin (July 3 through August 11)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1935 Harrison ‘Jack’ Schmitt, Santa Rita, New Mexico, geologist / retired NASA astronaut / senator (last of astronauts to set foot on the moon – Apollo 17)
  • 1947 Dave Barry, Armonk, New York, author / humor column
  • 1954 Franny Billingsley, American children’s book author (Well Wished, The Folk Keeper, Big Bad Bunny, Chime)
  • 1956 Montel Williams, Baltimore, Maryland, talk show host (The Montel Williams Show )
  • 1962 Tom Cruise, Syracuse, New York, actor (Born on the Fourth of July, Jerry Maguire, Magnolia, Top Gun, Mission: Impossible, Jack Reacher)
  • 1962 Thomas Gibson, Charleston, South Carolina, actor (Chicago Hope, Dharma & Greg, Aaron Hotchner on Criminal Minds)
  • 1970 Audra McDonald, Berlin, Germany, actress and singer (Ragtime, A Raisin in the Sun, Private Practice, Beauty & the Beast)
  • 1970 Shawnee Smith, Orangeburg, South Carolina, actress (Becker, Anger Management)
  • 1973 Patrick Wilson, Norfolk, Virginia, actor (Angels in America, A Gifted Man, Bone Tomahawk, Fargo, The Hollow Point)

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People don’t have to like or support you, so you always have to say thank you. – Ruben Studdard, Seventeen Magazine, September 2003
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 George Washington takes command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts during the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1819 The Bank of Savings in New York City, the first savings bank in the United States, opens.
  • 1844 The last pair of Great Auks is killed.
  • 1852 Congress establishes the United States’ 2nd mint in San Francisco, California.
  • 1884 First stock average published by Dow Jones and Company.
  • 1886 The New York Tribune becomes the first newspaper to use a linotype machine, eliminating typesetting by hand.
  • 1890 Idaho is admitted as the 43rd U.S. state.
  • 1938 World speed record for a steam railway locomotive is set in England, by the Mallard, which reaches a speed of 126 miles per hour (203 km/h).
  • 1938 Eternal Light Peace Memorial dedicated by President Franklin D. Roosevelt as he lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg Battlefield.

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Golden Oldie… One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.

Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

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The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here are some current candidates:

Poacher Maino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock–and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300mph into the side of a desert cliff.

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ONE-LINERS: Laws of Life…
~ When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
~ A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
~ When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
~ Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
~ When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
~ If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it’s probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
~ Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein’s law of persistence)
~ You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
~ Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
~ If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
~ The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
~ The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
~ Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)”
~ Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one’s hairdo.(The donking principle)
~ After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
~ Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)
~ Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won’t come out alive anyway.” (Theory of absolute certainty)

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A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” on the back of a deposit slip.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note, because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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pic of the day: A bygone era….

old wooden barn
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.

The teller said, “Yes, providing he doesn’t make a deposit.”

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Another golden oldie… A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work as a business manager.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “I’m very angry with the way things are going on earth — this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all the evil is destroyed; if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But rather than start from scratch, I’m still considering saving a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. So I’m ordering you to build an Ark for this purpose.” And with a flash of lightning, He delivered the specs for an Ark.

“Yes Lord!” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Don’t forget!” thundered God’s voice, “In 6 months it starts to rain! You’d better have that Ark built or learn to tread water, indefinitely!”.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was just sitting out in his yard in the rain, weeping. There was no sign of an Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord through the thunder and lightning, “Where is my Ark?!”

A sobbing Noah answered, “Lord, please forgive me! I did my best, but there were BIG problems. First I had to get a Building Permit for the Ark, and your plans didn’t meet the code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. You know how that goes.

“Then there was a huge upset about whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building an Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city council!

“Then, I couldn’t get enough wood for the Ark because some earth-sanctifying organizations have instigated a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted numbat. I had to convince the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood so I could save the numbats; it was the only way out. But then they wouldn’t let me catch any numbats! So, no numbats.

“Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Industrial Relations Commission before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but how am I to pay them? And still no numbats!

“When I realized the building of the Ark was stalled, I thought I could at least start gathering up pairs of animals, but I promptly got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted if the threat was real, I had to save ALL the animals, not just one pair of each. I just got that suit dismissed when the EPA notified me I couldn’t use the Ark, without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being that none of them personally knows to exist.

“Then the Royal Australian Army wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. They returned it with a note that read, ‘As any fool can see, water will NOT adhere to a round globe; it will fall off.’

“Right now, I’m trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. Most of them are involved in some kind of uprising. In the meantime, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just received a nasty notice from some state agency about owing them some kind of ‘use’ tax.

“I really don’t see any way I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!” Noah wailed. “Dear God, do you have a solution?”

Suddenly, the sky cleared! The sun came out! A rainbow arched across the heavens! Noah looked up and sighed with relief. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth after all?”

“No,” replied the Lord, “the government is doing it just fine, without any help from Me.”

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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”
Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”
The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How popular was Aura Lee? Elvis Presley’s hit recording of “Love Me Tender” entered Billboard’s pop charts in October 1956. It stayed on the charts for 19 weeks, and was in the Number 1 spot for five of those weeks. The song, from Presley’s debut film with the same title, was adapted from the tune “Aura Lee,” which had been written back in 1861.

~Who is the crossword champ? Roger Squires of Ironbridge, Shropshire is the holder of the record for the World’s Most Prolific Crossword Compiler, currently, April 2006, having had over 65,000 published crosswords appearing in over 470 outlets including over 70 abroad. He also holds the record for the longest word to have appeared in a published crossword, the place in Wales Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (58 letters) clued as an anagram. His millionth clue appeared in the Daily Telegraph in September 1989. He is one of only four compilers to have appeared regularly in all the UK quality newspapers.

~How long does it take for a lobster to grow? It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound

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QUIP OF THE DAY: One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . People are always trying to [mess] up other people’s live’s by telling lies about ’em. You wanna really [mess] somebody’s life up? Tell the truth about ’em. They ain’t never gonna be the same. – Brian Buckner, True Blood, Bad Blood, 2010