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Humor for November 28, 2016

Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights. – Peace Pilgrim

TODAY – NOVEMBER 28th – MONDAY

333rd day of 2016 with 33 to follow. New moon with 1% visible.

Holidays for Today:

*National French Toast Day

*Make Your Own Head Day

*Red Planet Day (Mars)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1927 Chuck Mitchell, Connecticut, actor (Porky’s Revenge!, Better Off Dead, General Hospital, Bret Maverick, The Winds of War)
  • 1933 Hope Lange, Redding, Connecticut, actress (Bus Stop, Wild in the Country, A Pocketful of Miracles, Peyton Place, The Fugitive, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir)
  • 1944 Rita Mae Brown, Hanover, Pennsylvania, author (Rubyfruit Jungle, Southern Discomfort, The Sand Castle, Sneaky Pie Brown mystery series)
  • 1950 Ed Harris, Englewood, New Jersey, actor (Appaloosa, Radio, The Rock, The Abyss, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind, A History of Violence, The Truman Show )
  • 1950 Russell Alan Hulse, New York City, New York, physicist (Nobel “for the discovery of a new type of pulsar, a discovery that has opened up new possibilities for the study of gravitation“)
  • 1951 Barbara Morgan, Fresno, California, teacher and astronaut (Teacher in Space program, STS-118)
  • 1962 Jon Stewart, New York City, New York, comedian (host of The Daily Show)
  • 1967 Anna Nicole Smith, Houston, Texas, television personality
  • 1984 Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rocky Mount, North Carolina, actress (Final Destination 3, Black Christmas, Death Proof )
  • 1988 Scarlett Pomers, Riverside, California, actress (Naomi Wildman on Star Trek: Voyager)
  • 1992 Adam Hicks, Las Vegas, Nevada, actor (Zeke and Luther, Lemonade Mouth )

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That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. – Henry David Thoreau
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1729 Natchez Indians massacre 138 Frenchmen, 35 French women, and 56 children at Fort Rosalie, near the site of modern-day Natchez, Mississippi.
  • 1811 Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op. 73, was premiered at the Gewandhaus in Leipzig.
  • 1814 The Times in London is for the first time printed by automatic, steam powered presses built by the German inventors Friedrich Koenig and Andreas Friedrich Bauer, signaling the beginning of the availability of newspapers to a mass audience.
  • 1895 The first American automobile race takes place over the 54 miles from Chicago’s Jackson Park to Evanston, Illinois. Frank Duryea wins in approximately 10 hours.
  • 1907 In Haverhill, Massachusetts, scrap-metal dealer Louis B. Mayer opens his first movie theater.
  • 1943 World War II: Tehran Conference – U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Joseph Stalin meet in Tehran, Iran to discuss war strategy.
  • 1975 As the World Turns and The Edge of Night, the final two American soap operas that had resisted going to pre-taped broadcasts, air their last live episodes.
  • 1994 In Portage, Wisconsin, convicted serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is clubbed to death by an inmate in the Columbia Correctional Institution gymnasium.

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I was sitting at home when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and saw a snail on the porch. I picked it up and throws it as far as I could.

Three years later, there was another knock on the door. I opened it and sees the same snail.

The snail said, “What the heck was that all about?”

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THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS – THE INVENTORS OF THE AUTOMOBILE AIR CONDITIONER

The four Goldberg brothers – Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max – invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label – The Goldberg Air-Conditioner – on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

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ONE-LINERS: RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

~ A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

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I was up at a tourist site here in Oregon –the Vista House– the other day, just enjoying the view of our beautiful Columbia River Gorge.

I was just watching the trains go by when a maintenance truck pulled up and parked right next to me. The guy got out and started “checking me out” really closely. He was looking at the back of my car. Suddenly, I saw a big smile on his face and he waved at me. I thought this guy was a REAL wacko or something.

As I drove off, I realized that I had my business supplies in the back of my Outback Wagon, and I had some spray bottles stashed inside of an ammunition crate. I had bought this ammunition crate years ago at an army/navy surplus store… it fits perfect in the back of my Outback.

Oops, false alarm.

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pic of the day:

picture of barn, field & Sky

Old Barn & Stormy Sky in Smoky Mountains of Tennessee


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.

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A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

—-

What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
A hobby horse.

—-

What kind of bar do fish go to?
A sand bar.

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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket – went in to try out for the job. ‘Okay,’ the sheriff drawled, ‘Gomer, what is 1 and 1?’

’11’ he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, ‘That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.’ ‘What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?’

‘Today and tomorrow.’ He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

‘Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?’

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, ‘I don’t know.’

‘Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?’

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. ‘It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!’

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Viruses – Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:

— AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting.

— MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for AT&T virus.

— Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack–once if by LAN, twice if by C:\>.

— Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus.” Instead, it’s an “electronic microorganism.”

— Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnos- tic software says everything is fine,

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An airhead was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on ‘Science & Nature’.

Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’

She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA:  How did the duffel bag get its name? The duffel bag got its name from the Belgian town of Duffel, where the coarse, thicknapped woolen fabric used for the bags was manufactured.

~Which were the first adhesive stamps? The earliest adhesive postage stamps in the world were the “Penny Blacks” of the United Kingdom, bearing the head of Queen Victoria, placed on sale on May 1 for use on May 6, 1840.

~How did a grave alarm work? In the mid 1880s, until approximately 1910, American undertakers sold “Grave Alarm” Devices. These were elaborate rope and bell/pulley arrangements allowing those buried alive to summon help. The rope was placed into the hand of the (supposed) deceased, and it wound through a series of tubes to the bell outside the grave.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. – John F. Kennedy