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Humor for January 13, 2017

Children don’t need much advice but they really do need to be listened to and not just with half an ear. – Emma Thompson

TODAY – JANUARY 13th – FRIDAY

13th day of 2016 with 352 days to follow. Moon is full with 99% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Skeptics Day
~ Korean American Day (some U.S. states)
~ Make Your Dream Come True Day
~ National Peach Melba Day
~ Public Radio Broadcasting Day
~ Rubber Duckie Day
~ Stephen Foster Day
~ National Train Your Dog Month
~ Thyroid Awareness Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1628 Charles Perrault, France, lawyer/author (Mother Goose)
  • 1832 Horatio Alger Jr, Chelsea, Massachusetts, minister/ author (Lost at Sea, Work & Win)
  • 1885 Alfred Fuller, Canadian businessman, CEO (Fuller Brush Man)
  • 1893 Clarke Ashton Smith, Long Valley, California, author (Lost Worlds, Genius Loci)
  • 1919 Robert Stack, Los Angeles, California, actor (The Untouchables, Unsolved Mysteries, Airplane!, Transformers: The Movie, Caddyshack II, Joe Vs. The Volcano)
  • 1931 Charles Nelson Reilly, New York City, New York, actor (Match Game, Ghost & Mrs Muir)
  • 1933 Ron[ald Joseph] Goulart, Berkeley, California, sci-fi author (Deadwalk, Plunder, Cheap Thrills, After Things Fell Apart, ghostwriter for William Shatner’s TekWar novels)
  • 1943 Richard Moll, Pasadena, California, actor (Bull Shannon, bailiff on Night Court, House, Super Password, 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd, Batman: Animated Series, Ghost Shark, Razor)
  • 1945 Joy Chant [ Eileen Joyce Rutter], UK, sci-fi author (High Kings, House of Kendreth)
  • 1951 Frank E. Peretti, Canadian-born American author (This Present Darkness, The Oath, The Cooper Kids Adventure Series)
  • 1955 Jay McInerney, Hartford, Connecticut, author (Bright Lights Big City, The Last of the Savages, A Hedonist in the Cellar: Adventures in Wine, The Last Bachelor)
  • 1961 Julia Louis-Dreyfus, New York City, New York, actress (Seinfeld, Watching Ellie, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Veep)
  • 1962 Trace Adkins, Sarepta, Louisiana, singer-songwriter & actor (King of the Hill, Celebrity Apprentice, The Lincoln Lawyer, Moms Night Out, Palominas, To Appomattox)
  • 1966 Patrick Dempsey, Lewiston, Maine, actor (Grey’s Anatomy, Sweet Home Alabama, The Emperor’s Club, Freedom Writers, Enchanted, Made of Honor, Valentine’s Day), race car driver
  • 1977 Orlando Bloom, English actor (Legolas/ Lord of The Rings & Hobbit Trilogy; Will Turner/ Pirates of the Caribbean, The Three Musketeers, Zula, Unlocked, Digging for Fire)

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Imperfection is not our personal problem, it is a natural part of existing. – Tara Brach

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1610 Galileo Galilei discovers Ganymede, 4th moon of Jupiter.
  • 1733 James Oglethorpe and 130 colonists arrive in Charleston, South Carolina.
  • 1785 John Walter publishes the first issue of the Daily Universal Register (later renamed The Times).
  • 1842 Dr. William Brydon, a surgeon in the British Army during the First Anglo-Afghan War, becomes famous for being the sole survivor of an army of 16,500 when he reaches the safety of a garrison in Jalalabad.
  • 1854 First U.S. patent for an accordion was issued to Anthony Faas of Philadephia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1942 Henry Ford patents a method of constructing plastic auto bodies, which are 30% lighter than regular cars.
  • 1957 Wham-O Company developed the first frisbee.
  • 1968 Johnny Cash performs live at Folsom Prison.
  • 1982 Shortly after takeoff, Air Florida Flight 90, a Boeing 737 jet crashes into Washington, DC’s 14th Street Bridge and falls into the Potomac River, killing 78 including four motorists. Coincidentally, 30 minutes later, a Washington Metrorail train derails at the Federal Triangle station, on the orange and blue lines, killing three and injuring many more. Flight 90 also destroyed part of a Blue line track that ran next to the 14th street bridge. This gridlocked the city.
  • 1993 Space Shuttle program: Endeavour heads for space for the third time as STS-54 launches from the Kennedy Space Center.
  • 2001 An earthquake hits El Salvador, killing more than 800.

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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

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So this guy took his wife on a fishing trip, and she did everything wrong.

First, she kept talking out loud; everybody know that scares the fish away!

Then she used the wrong bait.

And then she was reeling in the line too soon.

But worst of all, she caught a lot more fish than he did!

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ONE-LINERS: 10 Advantages of a Rental Car

— Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

— Has a much shorter braking distance than your car.

— Can take speed humps at twice the speed of your car.

— The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

— It can be driven with the oil warning light flashing.

— Never needs cleaning.

— The suspension is strong enough to allow for loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

— Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

— It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

— It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

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A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”

The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then you’ll see that I was right.”

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pic of the day:

picture of white birds
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“How’s your new job at the library?”

“Not all that great. I may quit.”

“Why? What don’t you like?”

“I’m in the periodicals department. I can’t stand working with the people there, they’re dealing with so many issues.”

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A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor.”

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A guy bursts into a flower shop.

Guy (urgently): “I need two potted geraniums!”

Clerk: “Sorry, we don’t have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”

Guy (sadly): “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

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WORD OF THE DAY: triskaidekaphobia
DEFINITION
1: extreme superstition regarding the number thirteen.
DID YOU KNOW?
From Greek tris (‘three’), kai (‘and’), and deka (‘ten’), which was coined in the early twentieth century to refer to fear of the number thirteen generally, but is often also associated with fear of Friday the 13th. Related word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia, which is an extension of Triskaidekaphobia. It originates from Paraskevi, (Greek for Friday).
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Where’s Grandpa?

The computer swallowed Grandpa
Yes honestly, its true.
He pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.

It’s devoured him completely
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe he’s caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I’ve even used the internet
But nothing could I find.

I asked Jeeves in desperation
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found online.

So, if someday in your ‘In Box’
My Grandpa you should see.
Please ‘Scan’, ‘Copy’ and ‘Paste’ him
In an e-mail back to me.

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I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on dis- play. Next to them there was a sign that read: “All models in stock now!”

So I paused next to the display and said, “Do you know what these are?”

“What?” she asked.

I said, “Stool samples.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What dragon was the Norse God of Thunder’s arch-enemy? Thor’s only worthy adversary was a serpent dragon known as Jormungand, or the Midgard Serpent. Jormungand was the son of Loki and Angerboda and was expelled by Odin, forcing it to encircle the earth and hold its tail in its mouth under the depths of the sea. Many ages passed before the “Day of the Last Battle,” a war pitting gods against giants, deities against demons, and men against monsters. Jormungand returned to the surface to confront Thor and they battled it out on the beach, Thor volleying lightning bolts and the dragon snapping at him with its massive jaws. Thor eventually prevailed by slamming his War Hammer fatally on the dragon’s skull. In the end, however, Thor met his end immediately after by being suffocated by the dragon’s last venomous breath.

~Is coffee dangerous to you? According to Dr. Bruce Ames, University of California at Berkeley, there are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.

~How many sick kids go to school anyway? Pediatricians estimate that 58 percent of their young patients go to child care or school even when ill, according to a Gallup survey. This despite the fact that 81 percent of mothers working full-time have stayed home at times to care for a sick child.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front – Leonard Louis Levinson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . To explore what it would mean to live fully, sensually alive and passionately on purpose, I have to drop my preconceived ideas of who and what I am. – – Dawna Markova