Tag Archives: bumper sticker

Humor for April 5, 2017

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death – James F. Bymes

TODAY –

TODAY – APRIL 5th – WEDNESDAY

95th day of 2017 with 270 days to follow. Moon waxing with 69% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Go for Broke Day
~ National Caramel Day
~ National Raisin & Spice Bar Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1856 Booker Taliaferro Washington, Hale’s Ford, Virginia, pioneer educator (1st black on US stamp)
  • 1908 Bette Davis, Lowell, Massachusetts, actress (Of Human Bondage, Jezebel)
  • 1916 Gregory Peck, La Jolla, California, actor (To Kill a Mockingbird, MacArthur)
  • 1917 Robert [Albert] Bloch, Chicago, Illinois, sci-fi author (Hugo/Psycho; The Amazing Captain Nemo, Night World, American Gothic)
  • 1920 Arthur Hailey, British-Canadian author (Runway Zero-Eight, The Final Diagnosis, Hotel, Airport, The Moneychangers)
  • 1941 Michael Moriarty, Detroit, Michigan, actor (Ben Stone-Law & Order, Bang the Drum Slowly, Q, Stuff)
  • 1943 Max Gail, Detroit, Michigan, actor (Detective Wojchiehowicz on Barney Miller, D.C. Cab, Tillamook Treasure)
  • 1949 Dr Judith Arlene Resnik, Akron, Ohio, astronaut (STS 41D, 51L-Challenger disaster)
  • 1951 Dean Kamen, Rockville Centre, New York, inventor (Segway PT, human transporter w/computer-controlled gyroscopic stabilization and control system)
  • 1952 Mitch Pileggi, Portland, Oregon, actor (Walter Skinner on The X-Files, Stargate Atlantis, Flash of Genius)
  • 1971 Krista Allen, Ventura, California, actress (Days of Our Lives, What About Brian, Liar Liar, Confessions of A Dangerous Mind, Anger Management, The Final Destination)
  • 1981 Michael A. Monsoor, Long Beach, California, Navy Seal (5 awards inc. Medal of Honor/2006 smothered grenade with his body, to save comrades from injury or death)
  • 1982 Hayley Atwell, English actress (A View From the Bridge, The Duchess, Captain America: The First Avenger)

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When written in Chinese the word “crisis” is composed of two characters one represents danger and the other represents opportunity. – John F. Kennedy
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1614 Indian princess Pocahontas marries English colonist John Rolfe.
  • 1621 Mayflower sails from Plymouth on a return trip to England.
  • 1792 George Washington casts first presidential veto.
  • 1923 Firestone Tire & Rubber Company puts their inflatable tires into production.
  • 1933 President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs Executive Order 6102 “forbidding the Hoarding of Gold Coin, Gold Bullion, and Gold Certificates” by U.S. citizens.
  • 1955 Winston Churchill resigns as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom amid indications of failing health.
  • 1958 Ripple Rock, an underwater threat to navigation in the Seymour Narrows in Canada is destroyed in one of the largest non-nuclear controlled explosions of the time.
  • 1987 Wayne Gretzky wins 7th straight NHL scoring title.
  • 2010 Twenty-nine coal miners are killed in an explosion at the Upper Big Branch Mine in West Virginia.

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In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, “Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!”

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Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends’ and relatives’ birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

“Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” I asked.

“Have you tried a wife?” he replied.

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ONE-LINERS: Understanding Men
~ A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
~ Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
~ Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
~ Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
~ Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women’s sports use something called an “instant replay?”
~ Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
~ No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
~ Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say, “Oh no, I’m so embarrassed; I’ve got to get out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
~ Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
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A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

The guy replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home.”

“That’s a bunch of baloney! Fish can’t do that!”

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

The game warden was curious now. “Ok. I’ve GOT to see this!”

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the guy and said, “Well?”…

“Well, What?” the guy responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted…

“Call who back?” The guy asked.

“The FISH!!”…

“What fish?” The guy asked.

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pic of the day: Bumper Sticker


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q. Why did the judge send the turtle to jail?
A. Because he was known as a hard case.

Q. What do you comb a rabbit with?
A. A hare brush.

Q. Which rodent won the basketball game?
A. The porcupine because he had the most points.

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut.

Q. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A. You can’t tuna fish.

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An old farmer in Georgia had owned a farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their shopping trolleys collide. The first one says to the other, “Sorry about that, I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

The second guy says, “What a coincidence, I’m looking for my wife too, and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first guy says “Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

The second guy answers, “She’s tall, with red hair, wide blue eyes, long legs, a big bosom, and nice rear. What does your wife look like?”

To which the first guy replies, “Never mind, let’s look for yours.”

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Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”

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A Quaker farmer was milking his cow when she switched him in the face with her tail.

He patiently said, “Cow, thou shalt not do that.”

He kept milking until she kicked and sent the half-filled milk pail tumbling across the barn, spilling and ruining the milk.

The farmer went around to face the cow and took her horns in his big, calloused hands. He looked at her and said, “Cow, thou knowest that I am a Quaker and that I cannot strike thee. But cow, thou also must know that I can sell thee to a Baptist.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What’s on the top of Washington’s monument? The very peak of the Washington Monument is not stone, but a 100-ounce solid aluminum pyramid, constructed as part of the monument’s lightning protection system. In the 1880s, aluminum was a rare metal, selling for $1.10 per ounce and used primarily for jewelry. The pyramid at the top of the monument was the largest piece of aluminum of its day and was such a novelty that it was displayed at Tiffany’s jewelry store before it was placed at the top.

~What would you describe as ‘Mary Jane?’ The name “Mary Jane” is not only used for little girls; it’s also a kind of sugar candy and a style of shoe, as well as a nickname for marijuana.

~Where is the world’s first roller coaster? The Leap-The-Dips roller coaster is the oldest roller coaster in the world. It is located within Lakemont Park in Pennsylvania. It was built in 1902, and replaced the Gravity Railroad which burned down in 1901. The Leap-The-Dips is the last known example in the United States of a side friction figure eight roller coaster. The roller coaster’s configurations are 1,452 feet in length, 41 feet at the highest point, the largest dip is 9 feet, and the steepest dip descent is 25 degrees. The average ride time of Leap-The-Dips is 1 minute and the average speed is 10 miles per hour.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: On a church sign: Church parking only. Violators will be baptized.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . To accept ourselves as we are means to value our imperfections as much as our perfections.