Tag Archives: butterfly picture

Humor for July 19, 2017

Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it. – Salma Hayek

TODAY – JULY 19th – WEDNESDAY

200th day of 2017 with 165 days to follow. Moon is waning with 21% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Daiquiri Day
~ National Raspberry Cake Day
~ Stick Out Your Tongue Day
~ National Flitch Day (day for awarding a flitch of bacon (the side cut of the pig) to any married couple who could prove they lived in harmony and fidelity for the past year; very few took home the bacon)
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1865 Charles Horace Mayo, Rochester, Minnesota, surgeon (co-founded Mayo Clinic)
  • 1896 A.J. Cronin, England, author (Citadel, Shining Victory)
  • 1937 George Hamilton IV, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, country singer (International Ambassador of Country Music)
  • 1946 Stephen Coonts, Buckhannon, West Virginia, author (Flight of the Intruder, The Red Horseman, Pirate Alley, Deep Black, Arctic Gold)
  • 1947 Bernie Leadon, Minneapolis, Minnesota, guitarist/vocalist (Eagles-Take it Easy)
  • 1961 Campbell Scott, New York City, New York, actor (Eye of the Hurricane,  God in America, Royal Pains, The Amazing Spider-Man, House of Cards)
  • 1962 Anthony Edwards, Santa Barbara, California, actor (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Top Gun, Zodiac, Revenge of the Nerds, Northern Exposure, Drew)
  • 1976 Vinessa Shaw, Los Angeles, California, actress (Hocus Pocus, Ladybugs, The Hills Have Eyes, Bereave, Clinical)
  • 1980 Mark Webber, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actor (Snow Day, Weapons, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Green Room, Inheritance)
  • 1982 Jared Padalecki, San Antonio, Texas, actor (Gilmore Girls, Ring of Endless Light, Cry Wolf, Supernatural, Phantom Boy)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
You can’t be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time. – Sara B. Cooper
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1848 Women’s Rights Convention opens in Seneca Falls, New York; there the “Bloomers” are introduced.
  • 1912 A meteorite with an estimated mass of 190 kg explodes over the town of Holbrook in Navajo County, Arizona causing approximately 16,000 pieces of debris to rain down on the town.
  • 1941  First US Army flying school for black cadets started in Tuskegee, Alabama.
  • 1963 Joe Walker flies a North American X-15 to a record altitude of 106,010 metres (347,800 feet) on X-15 Flight 90. Exceeding an altitude of 100 km, this flight qualifies as a human spaceflight under international convention.
  • 1983 The first three-dimensional reconstruction of a human head in a CT is published.
  • 1989 United Airlines flight 232 crashes in Sioux City, Iowa killing 112 of the 296 passengers.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: ** Rules of Life **

~I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

~Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

~Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

~You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

~I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The Five Toughest Questions for Men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
This is the all-time, no-win question. There is no good answer. No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not? Don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.

Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: Yes, I would.

Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed. (uh-oh….)

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”)
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Butterfly in grass

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.”

The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

‘Jane’s’ job includes opening mail for her employer. Junk mail too.

Last week there was a catalogue from a company that sells promotional material related specifically to anniversaries. With it was a covering letter congratulating them on their tenth year in business, coming up this spring.

Yeah, right.

The institution ‘Jane’ works for was founded in 1889.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

More Punniness. . .

In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke:

“Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you’re getting for Christmas!”

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously:

“How could you possibly know what I’m getting for Christmas?”

Darth Vader…. “Because I’ve felt your presents….”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too.”

Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”

Fellow 1 : “A judge told him.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: ~How fast does glass crack? When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second.

~How fast does an elephant charge? The massive skeleton of the African elephant accounts for about 15 percent of the body weight, just as in a man of slender build; however, the elephant’s skeleton supports as much as four tons per leg, and is thus stressed close to the physical limit for bone. To keep from damaging its skeleton, an African elephant has to move sedately, never jumping or running. The “charge” of these animals is a fast walk on long legs, at about 15 miles per hour.

~What was Woodbury Soap’s ‘first?’ Woodbury Soap was the first product to show a nude woman in its advertisements. The year was 1936. Edward Steichen’s photograph showed a rear, full-length view of a woman sunbathing – wearing only sandals.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it. – Margaret Cho