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Humor for May 17, 2017

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha

TODAY – MAY 17th – WEDNESDAY

137th day of 2017 with 228 days to follow. Moon in last quarter with 66% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (aka IDAHO)
~ National Cherry Cobbler Day
~ Pack Rat Day
~ St. Paschal Baylon’s Day (patron of shepherds)
~ World Hypertension Day
~ World Information Society Day (UN: commemorates the founding of the International Telecommunication Union)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1936 Dennis Hopper, Dodge City, Kansas, actor (Swiss Family Robinson, Cool Hand Luke, Easy Rider, True Grit, Super Mario Bros., Speed, Waterworld, Flatland, 24, E-Ring, Crash)
  • 1940 Alan Kay, Springfield, Massachusetts, computer scientist (pioneer object-oriented programming / windowing graphical user interface design)
  • 1946 F. Paul Wilson, Jersey City, New Jersey, author (Adversary Cycle, Repairman Jack, Sims, Healer)
  • 1956 “Sugar” Ray [Charles] Leonard, Wilmington, North Carolina, welter/middle/light-heavyweight boxing champion (Olympics-gold-76)
  • 1956 Bob Saget, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comedian/actor (Full House, America’s Funniest Home Videos, Surviving Suburbia, Madagascar, Fuller House)
  • 1965 Paige Turco, Springfield, Massachusetts, actress (TMNT, Invincible, Person of Interest, The 100)
  • 1966 Hill Harper, Iowa City, Iowa, actor (City on Angels, CSI NY, Covert Affairs, Limitless, Homeland)
  • 1973 Sasha Alexander, Los Angeles, California, actress (Kate/NCIS, Wasteland, Dawson’s Creek, Yes Man, He’s Just Not That Into You, Rizzoli and Isles, Shameless)
  • 1974 Sendhil Ramamurthy, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Heroes, Covert Affairs, Beauty and the Beast, Stan Lee’s Lucky Man)
  • 1985 Derek Hough, Salt Lake City, Utah, dancer and singer (Dancing w/the Stars, World Latin American Dance Champion)
  • 1988 Nikki Reed, Los Angeles, California, actress (Thirteen, Twilight Saga, Sleepy Hollow)

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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1792 The New York Stock Exchange is formed.
  • 1839 Water wheel patented by Lorenzo Adkins.
  • 1927 U.S. Army aviation pioneer, Major Harold Geiger, dies in the crash of his Airco DH.4 de Havilland plane at Olmstead Field, Pennsylvania.
  • 1943 The United States Army contracts with the University of Pennsylvania’s Moore School to develop the ENIAC.
  • 1955 An atomic reactor patented by Fermi and Szilard.
  • 1973 Watergate scandal: Televised hearings begin in the United States Senate.
  • 1983 The U.S. Department of Energy declassifies documents showing world’s largest mercury pollution event in Oak Ridge, Tennessee (ultimately found to be 4.2 million pounds), in response to the Appalachian Observer’s Freedom of Information Act request.
  • 2004 Massachusetts becomes the first U.S. state to legalize same-sex marriage.
  • 2006 The aircraft carrier USS Oriskany is sunk in the Gulf of Mexico as an artificial reef.

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While hiking in the countryside, my friend, Eva, and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband, Dick, refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eva and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Dick joined us.

“How is it that you’re eating the mushrooms tonight,” I asked, “when you wouldn’t touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago?”

“I thought about it,” Dick explained, seriously, “and I figured it would better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in our home.”

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Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?”

“Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

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ONE-LINERS: You Might Be a Lawyer if…

  • you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
  • you believe that a forty words’ sentence is a short one.
  • you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
  • you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it’s verbal or written.
  • your other car is a BMW.
  • when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
  • when your wife says “I love you,” you cross-examine her.

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TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. “You know you’re the only one for me!”
9. “Do you come here often?”
8. “Trust me, this was meant to be!”
7. “Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!”
6. “I already feel like you’re a part of me!”
5. “Honey, you were made for me!”
4. “Why don’t you come over to my place and we can name some animals?”
3. “You’re the girl of my dreams!” (Gen. 2:21)
2. “I like a girl who doesn’t mind being ribbed!”

And the number one pick up line from Adam is:
“You’re the apple of my eye!” *

* I realize the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the “fruit,” not “apple,” but gee guys, apple is funnier!

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pic of the day: Gulf Fritillary Butterfly

Gulf-Fritillary butterfly
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

STRANGE BOOK TITLES:
~ Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
~ Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
~ Bring to the Grocer’s: R. List
~ Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
~ The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
~ Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
~ How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock
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I went to a movie recently. The two women sitting in front of me were talking so loudly that I couldn’t hear the sound track.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” I said. “I can’t hear.”

“I should hope not!” she replied sharply. “This is a *private* conversation!”

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The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.

She said, ‘Can I stay here for a few days?’

I said, ‘Sure you can.’ And shut the door.

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

He was surprised by the question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Her father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”

The little girl replied, “Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

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A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.

The man calls an usher over and whispers, “I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up.

Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, “Follow me.” The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

“Thanks so much,” says the theatergoer, “This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why shouldn’t you fly close to a neutron star? A neutron star is the strongest magnet in the universe. The magnetic field of a neutron star is a million million times stronger than Earth’s magnetism.

~What “Ma” was the head of an infamous criminal gang? Ma Barker (born Arizona Donnie Clark) was head of the ultimate dysfunctional family – a 1920’s criminal gang. Her gang, which included her sons, was responsible for numerous kidnappings and robberies of post offices and banks. Ma herself was never arrested, but three of her four sons served time in Alcatraz, Leavenworth, and Kansas State Penitentiary. Ma, along with her son Freddie, was killed in 1935 at the age of 63 in a shootout with FBI agents. Later, two of her other sons also met with violent deaths–one shot himself instead of giving himself up to police and the other was killed in an attempt to escape from Alcatraz. Where was “Pa” Barker in all this? Mr. George Barker never joined the gang and Ma left him in 1927.

~Was Paul Revere a failure? Paul Revere, the greatest silversmith of colonial America, was a failure at his second trade, copperplate engraving. His artistry on copper was poor, and he worked at engraving only when he was financially hard-put.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Today I went into a bookstore and asked where the self-help section was. The clerk replied, “If I told you, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. – Sholom Aleichem