Tag Archives: butterfly picture

Humor for August 29, 2017

The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving – Oliver W Holmes.

TODAY – AUGUST 29th – TUESDAY

241st day of 2017 with 124 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 52% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ More Herbs, Less Salt Day
~ National Chop Suey Day
~ National Lemon Juice Day
~ International Day against Nuclear Tests
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1923 Richard Attenborough, English actor & director (The Great Escape, Miracle on 34th Street, Jurassic Park, The Lost World)
  • 1936 John McCain, Panama Canal Zone, American politician (Senator AZ, Republican presidential nominee in 2008)
  • 1938 Elliott Gould, Brooklyn, New York, actor (M*A*S*H , Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen, Mulaney, Ray Donovan, Doubt)
  • 1941 Robin Leach, English TV host (Life Styles of Rich & Famous)
  • 1952 Karen Hesse, Baltimore, Maryland, children’s author (Phoenix Rising, Out of the Dust)
  • 1958 Michael Jackson, Gary, Indiana, pop singer (recognized as the most successful entertainer of all time by Guinness World Records)
  • 1959 Rebecca De Mornay, California, actress (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Risky Business, Wedding Crashers, I am Wrath)
  • 1975 Dante Basco, Pittsburg, California, Filipino/American actor (Zuko in the Nickelodeon series Avatar: The Last Airbender, American Dragon30 Something… else, Jarhead 3: The Siege)
  • 1990 Nicole Anderson, Rochester, Indiana, actress (JONAS L.A., Make It or Break It, Beauty and the Beast, Ravenswood)

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We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand – Randy Pausch.
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1758 The first American Indian Reservation is established, at Indian Mills, New Jersey.
  • 1786 Shays’ Rebellion, an armed uprising of Massachusetts farmers, begins in response to high debt and tax burdens.
  • 1831 Michael Faraday discovers electromagnetic induction.
  • 1898 The Goodyear tire company is founded.
  • 1915 US Navy salvage divers raise F-4, the first U.S. submarine sunk in accident.
  • 1958 United States Air Force Academy opens in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
  • 1965 Astronauts Cooper & Conrad complete 120 Earth orbits in Gemini 5 and land back on earth.
  • 1966 The Beatles perform their last concert before paying fans at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
  • 2005 Hurricane Katrina devastates much of the U.S. Gulf Coast from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle, killing more than 1,836 and causing over $80 billion in damage.

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Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, “Question Everything!”

A couple of days later someone added, “Why?”

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My wife left a note on the refrigerator. It said, “It’s not working!! I can’t take it any more, I’ve gone to stay at my Mother’s!”

I opened the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold … I don’t have the slightest idea what she was talking about.

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ONE-LINERS: Tee Shirt Slogans . . .
~ My Long Term Goal is to Get Rich Quick.
~ I speak Sarcasm as a Second Language.
~ Dyslexics of the World – Untie!
~ I Have Attention Deficit… Hey, Look at That!
~ 333 – I’m only Half Evil.
~ I Can’t See the Forest For the Gump.
~ Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms. Check. Who’s Bringing the Punch and Chips?
~ I don’t have Baggage, I have Freight.
~ I Have the Body of a god – Buddah.
~ Nobody is Perfect. I am Nobody. Therefore, I am Perfect.
~ Money Talks. Mine says, “Goodbye.”
~ I can’t believe I Bought a Shirt that says Only This!
~ When Life Hands You High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumarate, Ester of Wood Rosin, Brominated Vegetable Oil, Tocopherol, Yellow Number 5 and 1% Natural Flavors … Make Lemonade!
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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pic of the day: Butterfly on Joe Pye Weed


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn’t concentrate.
~ Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
~ After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
~ Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
~ Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.
~ I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
~ My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
~ I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
~ Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.
~ I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
~ I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
~ So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
~ After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
~ My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
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“What did you do this weekend?”

“I dropped some hooks into the water.”

“How was the fishing?”

“I wasn’t fishing; I was golfing.”

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During a difficult physics lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives,” the professor responded firmly, and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: “So, how exactly does physics save lives?”

The prof replied, “It keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

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Judge to prospective juror: “And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?”

“Your honor, it’s because I don’t believe in capital punishment and I don’t want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.”

“Madam, this is not a murder trial. It’s a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”

“Well, okay. I’ll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How far out does the sun flame? Giant flames called prominences shoot out from the Sun’s surfaces for 310,000 miles, more than the distance from Earth to the moon. The entire Earth could fit into one of these flames nearly 40 times.

~The cat the human brain? When comparing a cat and dog brain, a cat brain is biologically more similar to a human brain. This is because cats have the same regions in their brains that are responsible for emotions.

~How fast are ostriches? Ostriches are such fast runners, they can outrun a horse. Male ostriches can roar like a lion.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An Optimist only wears a belt. A Pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . You are who you are and what you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change who you are and what you are by changing what goes into your mind – Zig Ziglar