Tag Archives: Canadian Geese

Humor for August 24, 2017

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

TODAY – AUGUST 24th – THURSDAY

236th day of 2017 with 129 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 9% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Peach Pie Day
~ National Waffle Day
~ Vesuvius Day
~ International Strange Music Day
~ International Day Against Intolerance, Discrimination and Violence Based on Musical Preferences, Lifestyle and Dress Code
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1884 Earl Derr Biggers, Warren, Ohio, author (Charlie Chan books)
  • 1886 William Francis Gibbs, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, naval architect (designed over 6,000 ships from a fireboat, to freighters, ocean liners and warships)
  • 1915 Alice Bradley Sheldon aka James Tiptree, Jr. , Chicago, Illinois, sci-fi author (Her Smoke Rose up Forever, A Momentary Taste of Being)
  • 1916 Harold John “Hal” Smith, Petosky, Michigan, actor and voice actor (Otis on Andy Griffith, voice of Goofy, Owl in Pooh movies)
  • 1934 Kenny Baker, English actor (R2D2 in Star Wars; d. 8/13/16)
  • 1944 Gregory Jarvis, Detroit, Michigan, astronaut (payload specialist 2 on STS-51-L; died 1986 in Challenger explosion)
  • 1947 Paulo Coelho, Brazilian author (The Alchemist, one of the best-selling books in history)
  • 1951 Orson Scott Card, Richland, Washington, author (Ender’s Game, Speaker for the Dead, Lost Boys)
  • 1958 Steve Guttenberg, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Police Academy, Cocoon, Short Circuit, Three Men and a Baby, Veronica Mars, Affluenza, Sharknado 4, Ballers)
  • 1965 Marlee Matlin, Morton Grove, Illinois, deaf actress (6th season Dancing w/the Stars, Children of a Lesser God, Reasonable Doubts, Picket Fences, The West Wing, The L Word, Switched at Birth)
  • 1974 Jennifer Lien, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Vitani/Lion King II, Kes/ST Voyager series, voice Agent L/Men in Black: The Series)
  • 1977 John Green, Indianapolis, Indiana, author (Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, The Fault in Our Stars, Turtles All the Way Down) and YouTube vlogger
  • 1981 Chad Michael Murray, Buffalo, New York, actor (Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek, Freaky Friday, One Tree Hill, Chosen, Texas Rising, Agent Carter, Sun Records )
  • 1988 Rupert Grint, England, actor (Ron Weasley/ Harry Potter films; Moonwalkers, Snatch, Sick Note)

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Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like – Will Rogers
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 79 A.D. Mount Vesuvius erupts, buries Pompeii, Herculaneum & Stabiae in volcanic ash.
  • 1814 British troops invade Washington, D.C. and burn down the White House and several other buildings.
  • 1891 Thomas Edison patents motion picture camera.
  • 1912 Alaska becomes a United States territory.
  • 1932 Amelia Earhart is the first woman to fly across the United States non-stop (from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey).
  • 1949 North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) goes into effect.
  • 1950 Edith Sampson becomes the first black U.S. delegate to the UN.
  • 1963 The 200-metre freestyle is swum in less than 2 minutes for the first time by Don Schollander (1:58).
  • 1998 First radio-frequency identification (RFID) human implantation tested in the United Kingdom.
  • 1995 Windows 95, a computer operating system by Microsoft, is released with much fanfare.
  • 2006 The International Astronomical Union (IAU) redefines the term “planet” such that Pluto is considered a Dwarf Planet.

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It is said that physicist Niels Bohr had a horseshoe hung above his desk. It was correctly oriented, ends up, so that the “luck wouldn’t run out.”

One day a friend saw it, and asked, “Why do you have that up there? Surely you don’t think it will bring good luck!”

Niels replied, “Of course I don’t. That’s the most ridiculous and absurd claptrap I’ve ever heard. Of course I don’t believe it would bring good luck. However, I’ve been told that a horseshoe brings good luck whether your believe in it or not…”

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Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your “X”.

She’s never coming back.

And don’t ask “Y”.

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ONE-LINERS: Only in America
~ Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
~ Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
~ Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
~ Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
~ Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
~ Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
~ Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
~ Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
~ Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

“Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”

“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

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pic of the day: Wild Geese by Pond


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

On the banks of a river sat three Indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense Indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native American mathematician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. “Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution. “I’ll put down newspapers.”

“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

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Tech Support to caller: “I need you to right-click on the Desktop.”
“Ok.”

“Did you get a pop-up menu?”
“No …”

“Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
“No.”

“Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
“Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’. I used an erasable marker so I can wipe it off later. Is that all right?”
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“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.

“Terrible!” the room-mate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner!”

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A group of tourists were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real moaner, always complaining. The bus seats were uncomfortable or the food was terrible; it was either too hot, or it’s too cold; the accommodations was awful. Will and Guy are sure you know the score.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone in County Cork.

‘Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,’ the guide said. ‘Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.’

‘We can’t be here tomorrow,’ the nasty curmudgeonly woman shouted. ‘We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’ t kiss the stupid stone.’

‘Well now,’ the guide said patiently, ‘it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.’

‘And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?’ the woman scoffed rudely.

‘No, ma’am,’ the frustrated guide said, ‘but I have sat on it.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: And you think it’s hot in your neighborhood? The highest temperature ever recorded on Earth was 136 degrees Fahrenheit on September 13, 1992, in Azizia, Libya.

~Who was St. Swithin? St. Swithin’s Day, July 15: During the 900s, a man named Swithin (spelling also recorded as “Swithun”) was the Bishop of Winchester in England. Some years after his death, and for reasons not documented, Bishop Swithin’s remains were transferred to Winchester Cathedral on July 15, 971. That same day, there was a tremendous rainstorm. Legend has it that Bishop Swithin was so angry about the move from his final resting place that he caused the storm. According to old English folklore, if it should now rain on July 15th, St. Swithin will make it rain for 40 days thereafter.

~Which country has the most post offices? The country with the most post offices is India with over 152,792, compared with just over 38,000 in the United States.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He had delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive – Howard Thurman