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Humor for February 16, 2017

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. – William James


47th day of 2016 with 318 days to follow. Moon is waning with 72% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Do a Grouch a Favor Day
~ National Almond Day


  • 1843 Henry Martyn Leland, Barton, Vermont, machinist, inventor, engineer & industrialist (founded Cadillac & Lincoln)
  • 1884 Robert Flaherty, Iron Mountain, Michigan, filmmaker (father of documentary film (Nanook of North))
  • 1903 Edgar Bergen, Chicago, Illinois, ventriloquist (Charlie McCarthy)
  • 1909 Richard McDonald, Manchester, New Hampshire, fast food entrepreneur (established the first McDonald’s restaurant at 14th and E street in San Bernardino, California in 1940)
  • 1935 Sonny Bono, Detroit, Michigan, singer (Sonny and Cher) and politician (Rep-R-Ca, 1995-98)
  • 1957 LeVar Burton, Landstuhl, Germany, actor (Roots, Geordi La Forge in Star Trek: The Next Generation tv series & movies; Reading Rainbow, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Transformers: Rescue Bots, Perception)
  • 1959 John P McEnroe, Wiesbaden, West Germany (US Military Base), tennis player (US Open 1979-81, 84 Wimbledon 1981, 83, 84)
  • 1964 Christopher Eccleston, Lancashire England, actor (9th incarnation of Dr. Who; Seeker in “The Dark is Rising“; G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Thor The Dark World, Legend, Safe House, The Leftovers)
  • 1972 Sarah Clarke, St. Louis, Missouri, actress (24, Twilight, Trust Me, The Tomorrow People, Bosch)
  • 1974 Mahershala Ali, Oakland, California, actor (The 4400, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Hunger Games Mockingjay, Alphas, House of Cards, Luke Cage)
  • 1989 Elizabeth Olsen, Sherman Oaks, California, actress (Martha Marcy May Marlene, Captain American The Winter Soldier, Godzilla, Avengers Age of Ultron, I Saw the Light, Captain America: Civil War, Wind River)

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. – Jim Rohn


  • 1868 In New York City the Jolly Corks organization is renamed the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks.
  • 1883 ”Ladies Home Journal” begins publishing.
  • 1923 Howard Carter unseals the burial chamber of Pharaoh Tutankhamen.
  • 1932 James Markham of Stark Brothers Nurseries and Orchards of Louisiana, Missouri was issued a patent for “a peach tree that ripens later than other varieties”.
  • 1937 Wallace H. Carothers receives a United States patent for nylon.
  • 1968 In Haleyville, Alabama, the first 9-1-1 emergency telephone system goes into service.
  • 1978 The first computer bulletin board system is created (CBBS in Chicago, Illinois).
  • 1996 Shaquille O’Neal, at the time playing for the Orlando Magic of the National Basketball Association, makes his only career 3-point shot against the Milwaukee Bucks.
  • 1997 At age 25, Jeff Gordon is youngest winner to that date in Daytona 500 history.
  • 2006 The last Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH) is decommissioned by the United States Army.
  • 2015 In Mount Carbon, West Virginia, A CSX train crashes which results in large fires.


I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “No.”

I told him, “She is Bill Gate’s daughter.”
He said, “Yes.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “No”.

I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “Okay”.

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “No”.

I told him, “My son is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.”
He said, “Okay.”

And this is how politics works!


Somewhere in the city there was a small apartment building. there were four floors and 1 person lived on each floor.

On the first floor there lived a police man. Everybody could tell it was him at the door because he knocked once.

On the second floor there lived a fire man. Everybody could tell it was him at the door because he knocked twice.

On the third floor there lived a blind man. Everybody could tell it was him at the door because he knocked three times.

On the Fourth floor there lived a woman. Everybody could tell it was her at the door because she knocked four times.

one day the woman was in the shower and she heard one knock at the door. She put on her robe and answered the door. It was the police man. He said “guess what! guess what! I just made my first arrest!” Then he left and the woman went back in the shower.

Then she heard two knocks at the door. so she put on her robe and answered the door. It was the fire man. He said “guess what! guess what! i just saved a person from a burning building!” then he left and she went back in the shower.

A while later she heard 3 knocks at the door. She knew it was the blind man, so she didn’t put on her robe and she answered the door. He said “guess what! guess what! I just got my sight back!”


ONE-LINERS: The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40

– Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

– People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

– People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

– There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

– You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

– You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

– You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

– You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

– You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

– You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

– You sing along with elevator music.

– Your eyes won’t get much worse.

– Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

– You can’t remember who sent you this list.


Judge: “You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?”

“Yep, sure is.”

“And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless about his appearance. Is that also correct?”

“That’s right, Yer Honor. He ain’t appeared home at night for five years now.”


pic of the day: Snow swept cardinal bird

Wild bird- Cardinal.


~A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

~No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

~A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

~Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.


A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, ”I want my $20 million.”

The man replied, ”No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, ”Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ”Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”


A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”

“No,” he replied. “A whole lot of them begin with ‘If elected, I promise…'”


Advertising: Lost In Translation . . .

– Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”

– The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”

– An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I Saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).

– Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.

– Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

– The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”

– When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.”The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”


TODAY IN TRIVIA: Which state has the highest life expectancy? Hawaii is the only state in the United States where male life expectancy exceeds 70 years. Hawaii also leads all states in life expectancy in general, with an average of 73.6 years for both males and females.

~What was Woodbury’s first?
Woodbury Soap was the first product to show a nude woman in its advertisements. The year was 1936. Edward Steichen’s photograph showed a rear, full-length view of a woman sunbathing – wearing only sandals.

~How dirty is money? A study of American coins and currency revealed the presence of bacteria, including staphylococcus, E. coli, and klebsiella, on 18 percent of the coins and 7 percent of the bills.

QUIP OF THE DAY: I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


Thought for the day. . . Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world. – Archbishop Desmond Tutu