Tag Archives: cartoon

Humor for August 22, 2017

“Everybody is worth your time.You never know. You may have been the last hope that person needed to renew their faith in people or God.” ― Shannon L. Alder

TODAY – AUGUST 22nd – TUESDAY

234th day of 2017 with 131 days follow. New moon with 1% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Be an Angel Day
~ National “Eat a Peach” Day
~ National Pecan Torte Day
~ National Tooth Fairy Day (and/or February 28)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1811 William Kelly, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, inventor (converting iron to steel, Kelly & Company)
  • 1834 Samuel Pierpont Langley, Roxbury, Maine, astronomer, physicist, inventor (bolometer), aviation pioneer
  • 1836 Archibald M Willard, Bedford, Ohio, artist (Spirit of ’76)
  • 1920 Dr Denton Cooley, Houston, Texas, heart surgeon (1st artificial heart transplant)
  • 1920 Ray Bradbury, Waukegan, Illinois, sci-fi author (Fahrenheit 451, Illustrated Man)
  • 1940 Valerie Harper, Suffern NY, actress (Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Valerie)
  • 1947 Cindy Williams, Van Nuys, California, actress (American Graffiti, Shirley in Laverne & Shirley )
  • 1965 Courtney Gains, Los Angeles, California, actor (Children of the Corn, Hardbodies, Lust in the Dust, Back to the Future, Can’t Buy Me Love, Colors, The ‘Burbs, Memphis Belle, Texas Rising)
  • 1967 Ty Burrell, Grants Pass, Oregon, actor (Modern Family )
  • 1979 Brandon Quintin Adams, Topeka, Kansas, actor (Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot )

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“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?” ― The Doctor
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1831 Nat Turner’s slave rebellion commences just after midnight in Southampton, Virginia, leading to the deaths of more than 50 whites and several hundred African Americans who are killed in retaliation for the uprising.
  • 1848 The United States annexes New Mexico.
  • 1851 The first America’s Cup is won by the yacht America.
  • 1864 12 nations sign the First Geneva Convention. The Red Cross is formed.
  • 1902 Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile.
  • 1963 American Joe Walker in an X-15 test plane reaches an altitude of 106 km (66 mi).
  • 1989 The first ring of Neptune is discovered.
  • 1996 Bill Clinton signs welfare reform into law, representing major shift in US welfare policy.

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In the dim and distant past,
When life’s tempo wasn’t so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she’s in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She checks the Web and surfs the Net,
Sends some e-mail, makes a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma’s off her rocker.

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My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t operate a cell phone?”
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ONE-LINERS: Excuses You Can Use

– The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

– I prefer to remain an enigma.

– My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

– I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

– I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

– I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

– I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
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A preacher is buying a parrot.

“Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.

“Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.

“Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

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pic of the day:


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

It turns out that the “Old King Cole” of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom’s crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole’s Law.
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A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”
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A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.”

The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

“I’m back!”

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”
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Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
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A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, ”Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, ”Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

”Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

”I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

”Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
”I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

”All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
”I can’t do that, officer.”
”Why not?”
”Because I’m drunk.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who hosted the first network kid’s program? Starring Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo was the first TV network kid’s show in the United States. CBS launched it in 1954.

~Is typing good for you? There are 110 calories per hour consumed during an hour of typing — only 30 more than those used while sleeping.

~How much can a pencil write? The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured in the U.S. annually. If these were laid end to end, they would circle the earth nine times.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Thought for the day. . .
“Sometimes you only get one chance to rewrite the qualities of the character you played in a person’s life story. Always take it. Never let the world read the wrong version of you.” ― Shannon L. Alder