Tag Archives: cartoon

Humor for November 7, 2016

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” – Paulo Coelho

TODAY – NOVEMBER 7th – MONDAY

312th day of 2016 with 54 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 47% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
~ Job Action Day (First Monday)
~ Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month
~ Lung Cancer Awareness Month
~ National Alzheimer’s Disease Month
~ National Entrepreneurship Month
~ World Sponge Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1728 Captain James Cook, British naval officer, explorer, and cartographer (detailed maps of Newfoundland; 1st European contact eastern Australia and Hawaiian Islands)
  • 1867 Maria Sklodowska-Curie, Polish chemist and physicist (pioneering research on radioactivity)
  • 1897 Armstrong Sperry, New Haven, Connecticut, author (Call it Courage, All Sail Set, Wagons Westward)
  • 1914 Archie Campbell, Bulls Gap, Tennessee, comedian, singer, author (Hee Haw, Yesteryear)
  • 1918 Billy Graham, Charlotte, North Carolina, evangelist (spiritual adviser to several U.S. Presidents, Crusades with estimated 2.2 billion lifetime audience)
  • 1922 Al Hirt, New Orleans, Louisiana, trumpeter and bandleader (Java, theme song of The Green Hornet)
  • 1929 Eric R. Kandel, Austrian neuroscientist (Nobel / memory storage in neurons)
  • 1940 Dakin Matthews, Oakland, California, actor (Down Home, Soul Man, The Jeff Foxworthy Show)
  • 1942 Tom Peters, Baltimore, Maryland, author (In Search of Excellence, Thriving on Chaos, Talent, The Little Big Things)
  • 1969 Michelle Clunie, Portland, Oregon, actress (Queer as Folk, Solar Flare, Make It or Break It, Teen Wolf)
  • 1972 Christopher Daniel Barnes, Portland, Maine, actor (Starman, Day by Day, Brady Bunch Movie, Spider-Man, Malcolm & Eddie, Ultimate Spider-Man)
  • 1985 Lucas Neff, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Raising Hope, Glitch, I Love You Both, Fear Inc.)

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The happiness that is genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live. – Bertrand Russell
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1872 The ship Mary Celeste sailed from New York, eventually to be found deserted.
  • 1874 A cartoon by Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly is considered the first important use of an elephant as a symbol for the United States Republican Party.
  • 1910 The first air freight shipment (from Dayton, Ohio, to Columbus, Ohio) is undertaken by the Wright Brothers and department store owner Max Moorehouse.
  • 1916 Jeannette Rankin is the first woman elected to the United States Congress.
  • 1919 The first Palmer Raid is conducted on the second anniversary of the Russian Revolution. Over 10,000 suspected communists and anarchists are arrested in twenty-three different U.S. cities.
  • 1940 In Tacoma, Washington, the original Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapses in a windstorm, a mere four months after the bridge’s completion.
  • 1944 Franklin D. Roosevelt elected for a record fourth term as President of the United States of America.
  • 1967 US President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Public Broadcasting Act of 1967, establishing the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
  • 1973 The U.S. Congress overrides President Richard M. Nixon’s veto of the War Powers Resolution, which limits presidential power to wage war without congressional approval.
  • 1983 A bomb explodes inside the United States Capitol. No people are harmed, but an estimated $250,000 in damage is caused.
  • 1989 David Dinkins becomes the first African American mayor of New York City.
  • 1991 Magic Johnson announces that he is infected with HIV and retires from the NBA.

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Anxious about some medical tests I was to have, I expressed my fears to my loving and understanding wife.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “They’ll give you a sedative through an IV in your arm.”

That didn’t help. I said, “That’s what they do to dogs when they want to kill them!”

After a pause, she replied “Then don’t bark!”

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Two good ole boys from Alabama loved to fish, but it was winter. So they decided to go to Canada for some ice fishing. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.”

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the ole boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “How are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all. We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet.”

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ONE-LINERS:Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you’ll never go anywhere again.
~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
~ Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
~ Stock up and save. Limit: one.
~ Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
~ 3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
~ Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
~ Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
~ For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
~ We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
~ For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
~ Great Dames for sale.
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A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word!”

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cartoon of the day:

cartoon
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.

—–

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a hat made out of a paper towel. After the bartender serves him some dirty rum he asks the pirate, “I just have to ask why you’re wearing a paper towel.”

“Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

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I was a computer-savvy student, so the high school librarian called me to her office complaining of a computer crash. While booting up the computer, I asked her what she had done immediately prior to the crash.

“I just erased some files that were taking up memory space,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“There was one big one that the Spanish teacher must have put on there. I think it was called DOS.” (oooops!)

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One night a burglar, needing money to pay his taxes, decided to burgle a safe in a mom and pop grocery store.

On the safe door was a note that read “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the handle.” He was quite pleased with this turn of events so he followed the instructions.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire store was floodlighted, and alarms started sounding. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: “My confidence in human nature has been terribly shaken.”
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LATE NIGHT QUIP. . .
~ A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. – Jimmy Fallon
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My doctor’s receptionist called me to the desk to update my personal file.

Before I could tell her that all the information she had was still correct, she asked, “Has your birth date changed?”

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ Mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ Father’s name was?”

Another child said, “The Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The little one said, “Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge ‘n’ Mary.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ~Do prairie dog couples kiss? Yes, but not for the reasons we do. Expressing recognition rather than love, Utah prairie dogs exchange “kisses.” By the touching of incisor teeth, they quickly confirm the identity of group members.

~What makes an adhesive a ‘super-glue’? The secret ingredient in all the super glues on the market is Cyanoacrylate, an acrylic resin that bonds instantly. When the glue comes into contact with hydroxy 1 ions with water, it bonds. Cyanocrylate is the main ingredient in dozens of glues that are advertised as super glues or instant bonding glues.

~How much dust does space give to us annually? About 27 tons of dust rains down on the earth each day from space, making a total of almost 10,000 tons each year.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If your car’s engine develops a knock, chances are it’s opportunity knocking for some mechanic.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure which is: Try to please everybody. – Herbert Baynard Swope