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Humor for June 14, 2017

A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.

TODAY – JUNE 14th – WEDNESDAY

165th day of 2017 with 200 days to follow. Moon is waning with 79% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Flag Day (US)
~ National Strawberry Shortcake Day
~ Pop Goes the Weasel Day
~ World Blood Donor Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1811 Harriet Beecher Stowe, Litchfield, Connecticut, author (Uncle Tom’s Cabin)
  •  1820 John Bartlett, Plymouth, Maine, editor (compiled Familiar Quotations)
  •  1864 Alois Alzheimer, Germany, psychiatrist/pathologist (Alzheimer Disease)
  •  1906 Margaret Bourke-White, Bronx, New York, photojournalist (1st Western photographer allowed in Soviet Union, 1st female photojournalist for Life magazine, 1st female war correspondent allow to work in combat zones)
  •  1909 Burl Ives, Hunt, Illinois, folk singer/actor (Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; voice of snowman on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer classic)
  •  1931 Marla Gibbs, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Jeffersons, 227, Madea’s Witness Protection, Second Sight)
  • 1946 Donald Trump, Queens, New York, The Apprentice/ master builder (Trump Towers/Plaza/Castle); 45th President of the U.S.
  • 1948 Laurence Yep, San Francisco, California, author (Dragon’s Gate, Dragonwings, The Chinatown Mysteries, Child of the Owl, The Rainbow People, Monster Makers, Inc.)
  • 1949 Harry Turtledove, Los Angeles, California, author (SciFi/Alternate History series: World War, Colonization, Southern Victory; Darkness, Hellenic Traders)
  • 1954 Will Patton, Charleston, South Carolina, actor (A Mighty Heart, Remember the Titans, No Way Out, Ballzaire the Cajun, Falling Skies, Shots Fired)
  • 1969 Steffi Graf, West Germany, tennis player (Grand Slam 1988)
  • 1982 Lang Lang, Chinese pianist (1999, at age 17, played Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto No. 1 with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.  Played with many orchestras including Boston Symphony, Houston Symphony; in London, Berlin, Sweden Israel, Australia, etc.  Also a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.)

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To hear complaints with patience, even when complaints are vain, is one of the duties of friendship. – Dr Samuel Johnson
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 The United States Army was founded by the Continental Congress.
  • 1777 The Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the “Stars and Stripes” as the national flag of the United States.
  • 1893 Philadelphia observed the first Flag Day.
  • 1900 Hawaii became a U.S. territory.
  • 1922 Warren G. Harding became the first U.S. president to be heard on radio. The event was the dedication of the Francis Scott Key memorial at Fort McHenry.
  • 1938 Action Comics issues the first Superman comic.
  • 1951 “Univac I” was unveiled. It was a computer designed for the U.S. Census Bureau and billed as the world’s first commercial computer.
  • 1952 The Nautilus, the first nuclear powered submarine, was dedicated.
  • 1967 Mariner 5 was launched from Cape Kennedy, FL. The space probe’s flight took it past Venus.
  • 2002 Near-Earth asteroid 2002 MN misses the Earth by 75,000 miles (121,000 km), about one-third of the distance between the Earth and the Moon.

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Explain the difference ‘complete’ and ‘finished’:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one or the wrong one catches you with the right one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.

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Tourist: “What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?”

Native: “Alligator’s teeth.”

Tourist: “I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us.”

Native: “Oh no, no! Anybody can open an oyster.”

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ONE-LINERS: Things learned from TV . . .
~ All crimes are solved in 1 hour.
~ The Good guy always wins.
~ When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.
~ A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.
~ All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.
~ When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
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An American tourist in Ireland noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a assortment of Human
Skulls.

“What are you doing?” asked the American.

“Oh, sure an’ I’m sellin’ skulls.”

“What kind of skulls do you have?”

“Why, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!”

“Yeah? Who?”

“Well! This one is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright. That one there is St. Brendan the Navigator. That’s Michael Collins, the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one way over there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, bless his soul.”

“Did you say St. Patrick?”

“That’s correct!”

“I have to have that!” The American paid $21,650.00 in cash, flew back home and mounted his skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over to view this famous skull. Over five years the man made a fortune and retired a very rich man.

During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. He went to the same street in the same town and sure enough saw the same Irishman standing at the same table.

“What are you doing?”

“Sure an’ I’m sellin’ skulls.”

“And what skulls do you have today?”

“Why, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!”

“Yeah? Who?”

“Well! This one is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright. That one there is St. Brendan the Navigator. That’s Michael Collins, the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one way over there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, bless his soul.”

“Did you say St. Patrick?”

“That’s correct!”

“Hey, I was here five years ago and you sold me a skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick.”

“Oh yes! I remember you now! You see, *THIS* is St. Patrick when he was a wee lad!”

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pic of the day: Ah, the bouquet of bird! Like a fine wine!


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I opened a dry cleaning establishment. My first day didn’t go very well.

I rang the bell at the convent next door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

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Dear God,

My prayer for 2017 is for A fat bank account and a thin body.

Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN!

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Golden Oldie… When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the doctor enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

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The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

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The barber runs out of his shop and up to a policeman. “Officer, have you seen a man run by here in the last
few minutes?”

“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?”

“The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!”

“What does this fellow look like?”

“He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who was Grapelade popular with? In 1918, Welch’s developed its first jam product called “Grapelade.” The initial quantity of Grapelade was purchased in its entirety by the U.S. Army. It was an immediate hit in the military lower ranks, and became a demanded product by doughboys when they returned to civilian life.

~Why wouldn’t Victoria go to bed? Victoria Woodhall, the radical feminist who ran for the Presidency in 1872, feared that she would die if she went to bed in her old age. She spent the last four years of her life sitting in a chair. (She died at the age of 89 in 1927.)

~What make the penny unique? The Penny is the only coin currently minted in the United States with a profile that faces to the right. All other coins – the silver dollar, half dollar, quarter, dime, and nickel — all feature profiles that face to the left.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The first person to make a mountain out of a molehill was probably a real estate agent.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. – Benjamin Franklin