Tag Archives: cat picture

Humor for May 23, 2017

Life: It is about the gift not the package it comes in. – Dennis P. Costea, Jr.

TODAY – MAY 23rd – TUESDAY

143rd day of 2017 with 222 days to follow. Moon waning with 9% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Lucky Penny Day
~ National Taffy Day
~ World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
~ World Turtle Day
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1707 Carolus Linnæus, Swedish botanist/”Father of Taxonomy” (naming plants & animals)
  • 1898 Scott O’Dell, Mount Kisco, New York, author (Island of the Blue Dolphin, Black Pearl)
  • 1908 John Bardeen, Madison, Wisconsin, physicist (transistor, Nobel 1956, 1972)
  • 1910 Margaret Wise Brown, Brooklyn, New York, author (Goodnight Moon, The Runaway Bunny)
  • 1921 James Benjamin Blish, East Orange, New Jersey, author, winner of several Hugo and Nebula awards (Cities in Flight, After Such Knowledge, The Haertel Scholium, several Star Trek novels)
  • 1931 Barbara Barrie, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Suddenly Susan, Barney Miller, Dead Like Me, Breaking Away) and author of children’s books (Lone Star, Adam Zigzag)
  • 1933 Joan Collins, England, actress (Star Trek: The City on the Edge of Forever, Empire of the Ants, Dynasty, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, The Royals)
  • 1934 Robert Moog, New York City, New York, inventor (the Moog Synthesizer)
  • 1958 Drew Carey, Cleveland, Ohio, actor /comedian / game show host (Drew Carey Show, Who’s Line is it Anyway?, The Price is Right)
  • 1974 Ken Jennings, Edmonds, Washington, game show contestant (won 74 games of Jeopardy)
  • 1984 Adam Wylie, San Dimas, California, actor (Picket Fences, Gilmore Girls, guest star: Monk, Sliders, Touched by an Angel, Ben 10: Alien Force, Jake and the Never Land Pirates)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one. – John Keats
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1701 After being convicted of piracy and of murdering William Moore, Captain William Kidd is hanged in London.
  • 1846 Mexican-American War: Mexico declares war on the United States.
  • 1911 The New York Public Library is dedicated.
  • 1929 The first talking cartoon of Mickey Mouse, The Karnival Kid, was released (with Walt Disney as the voice of Mickey Mouse).
  • 1934 American bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde are ambushed by police and killed in Black Lake, Louisiana.
  • 1934 The Auto-Lite Strike culminates in the “Battle of Toledo”, a five-day melée between 1,300 troops of the Ohio National Guard and 6,000 picketers.
  • 1939 The U.S. Navy submarine USS Squalus sinks off the coast of New Hampshire during a test dive, causing the death of 24 sailors and two civilian technicians. The remaining 32 sailors and one civilian naval architect are rescued the following day.
  • 1995 Oklahoma City bombing: In Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, the remains of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building are imploded.
  • 1995 The first version of the Java programming language is released.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

When my grandson and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he’s wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff’s desk and says to the sheriff,”I’m hear to be a deputy.”

The sheriff laughs and says, “Well lets see if you’re qualified, son.” The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, “Close enough.”

The sheriff then asks him, “What are two days of the week that begin with ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow,” says the hillbilly.

“Not what I was looking for but I’ll give it to ya,” says the sheriff.

“Who shot Abraham Lincoln?” the sheriff asks.

The hillbilly justs stands there with a blank look on his face.

“Why don’t you go home, think about it and come back tomorrow,” the sheriff says to the hillbilly.

So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, “So sweetpea, did you get the job?”

“I think so, they’ve already put me on a murder case.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS:

~I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it’s going to be up all night.

~I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says “1 inch = 1 inch”. I hardly ever unroll it.

~I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Golden Oldie… The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

“I don’t know how to thank you, doctor,” his mother started.

“I’m not a doctor,” the man replied. “I’m from the IRS.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Mmmm… bird-flavored water, yum!


~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The animals ate in an expensive restaurant. When the bill came …

… the skunk said, “I only have one scent.”

… the gopher said, “I’m in the hole right now.”

… the duck said, “Just put it on my bill.”

… the pelican complained, “The bill is much too large.”

… the sardine said, “I can’t pay. I’ve been canned.”

… the crow said, “I was warned there would be a murder if I pay this bill.”

… the squid stated he couldn’t sign the bill because he was out of ink.

… the deer said, “I’m expecting a little doe in the spring.”

… the ram said, “I was expecting ewe to pay.”

… the cuckoo said, “I lost my nest egg.”

… the frog said, “I’ve only got one green back.”

… the porcupine was thinking, “Which one can I stick for the check?”

… the snake said, “It’s hiss turn to pay.”

… the pig said, “I didn’t bring home the bacon this month.”

… the rhinocerous said: “I’ll just charge it.”

… the amoeba said, “I’ve got to split now.”

… the paramecium said, “I’ll split it with him.”

… the sponge said, “I can’t absorb the cost.”

… the groundhog said, “If you pay I shadow you a favor.”

… the grizzly said, “I’m barely getting along.”

… the koala said, “I’m just a little bear right now.”

… the turtle said, “I shell pay next time.”

… the snail said, “I can’t shell out either.”

… the goose said, “I’m down on my luck.”

… the owl asked, “Whooo? Me?”

… the elephant said, “I never trunk I’d have to pay.”

… the flounder said, “Sorry. I’m flat.”

… the manx cat said, “I know you’ve probably heard this tail before …”

… the dachshund said, “I’m very short, and I’ve got be to getting a long.”

… the pigeon said, “I can only make a deposit.”

… the dolphin said, “I left my wallet at home, but not on porpoise.”

… the cow said, “You’ll have to ask one of the udders. I got no mooo-lah.”

… the electric eel was asked if he could charge it. He answered, “Don’t be shocked, but my account is not current.”

… the bumblebee said “Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzz off.”

… the zebra said, “It’s all black and white. I can’t change my stripes.”

… the mule asked for a kick-back.

… the kangaroo said, “I left home with an empty pouch.”

… the giraffe said, “It just is too high for me.”

… the starfish insisted that he should be comped because he’s a celebrity.

… the mussel said, “Ah, balon-e.”

… the other mollusks just clammed up.

… the chameleon was nowhere to be seen.

… the beaver got up to leave and said, “I’ll be dammed if I’ll pay. You’ll have to ask one of the otters. But it’s been nice gnawing you.”

… the chicken, in a fowl mood, laid it on the line: “I think you’re all so cheep.”

Finally the lion said, “I’m not a cheetah. I’ll pay it. I’ve still got my pride.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”

When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”

Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

7 Definitions Of A Cat

1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. A four footed allergen.

3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. A treat-seeking missile.

5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.

6. A hair relocation expert.

7. An un-programmable animal.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at a university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams and the students filed up and handed them in–all except the late student, who continued writing.

Half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“Oh, no you don’t! I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry, “Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” the student asked again.

“No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and briskly walked out of the room.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Interesting Facts About Gambling

~ Did you know all of the Kings in a standard deck of player cards actually represent real people? That’s right; the Kings are more than Kings in a deck of cards. Due to the fact that a standard deck of cards was created in France during the 15th century, the designer of the cards used historical figures to represent the Kings the deck that they designed. For example, Charlemagne is depicted as the King of Hearts, while Julius Caesar is represented by the King of Diamonds. Likewise, Alexander the Great is represented by the King of Clubs, while King David of the Bible is represented by the King of Spades.

~ On a similar note, the designer of the first deck of playing cards also decided to represent specific cultures with a deck of cards. Thus, the various suits of the cards represent different cultures that had major influences on the world before and during the 15th century. Therefore, the suits of spades, clubs, diamonds, and hearts represent the Middle East, Greece, the Roman Empire and the Holy Roman Empire respectively. Alternatively, let’s take a look at the game of slots for a moment.

~ Did you know that in certain states of America it is still illegal to use slot machines? That’s right; various states throughout the United States do not permit any form of gambling in the state. Therefore, the only way an individual can even possess a slot machine without getting in trouble for possessing it is that the machine meets certain criteria established by the law of the state. What are the criteria? The machine must be considered an antique: it must be at least 25 years old and used for display purposes only. Finally, anyone found in states that do not permit ownership of gaming devices runs the risk of getting fined and the equipment is immediately confiscated.

~ Finally, did you know that the act of gambling may actually predate documented history? In fact, examples of gambling appear in all civilizations as long as people have been able to write things down. Whether it existed prior to the act of writing however, is anyone’s guess.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: Blood is thicker than water. – Sir Walter Scott

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined. – Henry David Thoreau