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Humor for September 12, 2017

Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds. – Marian Evans

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 12th – TUESDAY

255th day of 2017 with 110 days to follow. Moon in last quarter with 59% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Defenders Day (Maryland)
~ International Mindfulness Day
~ National Chocolate Milkshake Day
~ National Day of Encouragement
~ National Video Games Day
~ Programmers’ Day
~ International Day for South-South Cooperation
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1880 Henry Louis “H.L.” Mencken, Baltimore, Maryland, journalist (Sage of Baltimore), author (The American Language)
  • 1897 Irene Joliot-Curie, French physicist (discovered artificial radioactivity)
  • 1913 Jesse Owens, Oakville, Alabama, track and field athlete (won 4 gold medals in 1936 Summer Olympics)
  • 1914 Desmond Llewelyn, Welsh actor (Q in 17 of the James Bond movies)
  • 1931 Ian Holm, British actor (Chariots of Fire, Alien, The Fifth Element, Bilbo / The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit)
  • 1931 George Jones, Saratoga, Texas, country music singer
  • 1940 Linda Gray, Santa Monica, California, actress (Sue Ellen Ewing / Dallas; Models, Hollyoaks)
  • 1978 Benjamin McKenzie, Austin, Texas, actor (The O.C., Southland, Gotham)
  • 1981 Jennifer Hudson, Chicago, Illinois, actress and singer (American Idol, Dreamgirls, Sing)
  • 1986 Emmy Rossum, New York City, New York, actress and singer (Mystic River, The Day After Tomorrow, The Phantom of the Opera, Shameless, You’re Not You)
  • 1996 Colin Ford, Nashville, Tennessee, actor (Push, We Bought a Zoo, Jake and the Never Land Pirates, Under the Dome)

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No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. – Barbara de Angelis
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1609 Henry Hudson begins his exploration of the Hudson River while aboard the Halve Maen.
  • 1857 The SS Central America sinks about 160 miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, drowning a total of 426 passengers and crew, including Captain William Lewis Herndon. The ship was carrying 13–15 tons of gold from the San Francisco Gold Rush.
  • 1952 Strange occurrences, including a purported monster sighting, take place in Flatwoods, West Virginia.
  • 1966 Gemini 11, the penultimate mission of NASA’s Gemini program, and the current human altitude record holder (except for the Apollo lunar missions)
  • 1992 NASA launches Space Shuttle Endeavour on STS-47 which marked the 50th shuttle mission. On board are Mae Carol Jemison, the first African-American woman in space, Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly in a US spaceship, and Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space.
  • 2008 The 2008 Chatsworth train collision in Los Angeles between a Metrolink commuter train and a Union Pacific freight train kills 25 people.
  • 2011 The 9/11 Memorial Museum opens to the public.

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The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

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My boss was very upset with me because I was always late for work. I just couldn’t get myself out of bed on time. Finally he threatened to fire me.

I went to see my doctor. He gave me a prescription and said to take one pill at bedtime.

It worked! I slept well and even woke up before the alarm in the morning! For the first time in years I had a leisurely breakfast and even the drive to work was pleasant because I wasn’t in a huge hurry.

I went to my boss and said, “Look at this! My doctor gave me a pill that actually works! I’m here on time today!!”

My boss barely looked up. “I’m really happy for you. But where were you yesterday?”

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ONE-LINERS: BEST T-SHIRTS SLOGANS . . .
~ (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
~ So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
~ I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
~ God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
~ If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
~ My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
~ I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
~ If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
~ Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
~ I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
~ Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
~ What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About?
~ I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
~ At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All
…I Just Can’t Remember It All
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Hi Susie,

Thought I’d send a short email to apologize about our lunch date yesterday … I don’t know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there … guess I’ve learned my lesson — you just can’t have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9s(wwb3*kkjnn xbbp $mmk???zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 —// … — with kids around.

Love,
Jane

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pic of the day: Feral Cat

Photographer: Joie Adkins
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulled up on the right. The man leaned down, pulled open the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the door on the other side and jumped onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, “What was that about?”

He replied, “It’s just a stage I’m going through.”

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A man was on a long walk in the country. He became hungry and thirsty so he stopped at a little cottage and ask for something to eat and drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

The visitor quickly noticed a wee pig running around the kitchen, racing up to him and giving him a great deal of attention. The man commented to his hostess, “I’ve never seen such a friendly pig!”

“Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”

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I was teasing my son when we took him on a vacation flight.
“You got the Hamlet seat.”

“Why is it the Hamlet seat?”

“It’s seat 2-B, so it’s the Hamlet seat.”

“But ALL the seats on an airplane are Hamlet seats.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Every seat is either 2-B or not 2-B.”

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Lawyer Jokes. . .
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 90?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80?
A: Congressman.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many people were in the Enterprise crew? Captain Kirk’s Enterprise crew numbered 430. His successor, Captain Picard, had 1,012 under his command.

~Do you have a gore or a counter? The heel of a sock is called the “gore.” The back panel of a shoe is called the “counter.”

~What makes thunder? Essentially, lightning causes thunder. The air around a lightning bolt is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun. This sudden heating causes the air to expand faster than the speed of sound, which compresses the air and forms a shock wave; we hear it as thunder.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “As you journey through life, take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.” – (“Hagar the Horrible,” Chris Browne)

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. – Norman Thomas