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Humor for June 20, 2017

If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep. – Dale Carnegie

TODAY – JUNE 20th – TUESDAY

171st day of 2017 with 194 days to follow. Moon is waning with 19% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Ice Cream Soda Day
~ National Vanilla Milkshake Day
~ West Virginia Day
~ World Refugee Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1909 Errol Flynn, Australian actor (Captain Blood, Robin Hood, Against All Flags)
  • 1924 Audie Murphy, Kingston, Texas, WWII hero/actor (Destry, Joe Butterfly)
  • 1924 Chet Atkins, Luttrell, Tennessee, guitarist (Me & My Guitar) / producer
  • 1928 Martin Landau, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Tucker: The Man and His Dream, Crimes and Misdemeanors, Remember)
  • 1942 Brian Wilson, Inglewood, California, musician (The Beach Boys)
  • 1945 Anne Murray, Nova Scotia, Canada, singer (Snow Bird)
  • 1946 Bob Vila, home improvement television show host (This Old House, Bob Vila’s Home Again, Bob Vila)
  • 1950 Lionel Richie, Tuskegee, Alabama, singer (Commodores)
  • 1952 John Goodman, Affton, Missouri, actor (The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Monsters, Inc., Alpha House, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Kong: Skull Island)
  • 1967 Nicole Kidman, Honolulu, Hawaii, American-born Australian actress (Moulin Rouge!, Batman Forever, Happy Feet, Rabbit Hole, Genius, Big Little Lies)
  • 1971 Josh Lucas, Little Rock, Arkansas, actor (Poseidon, Sweet Home Alabama, A Beautiful Mind, Glory Road, The Mysteries of Laura)
  • 1986 Dreama Walker, Tampa, Florida, actress (Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Don’t Trust The B—- in Apartment 23, Paperback, Doubt)

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The words ‘I am…’ are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you’re claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you. – A. L. Kitselman
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1782 The U.S. Congress adopts the Great Seal of the United States.
  • 1840 Samuel Morse receives the patent for the telegraph.
  • 1863 West Virginia admitted as 35th US state.
  • 1877 World’s first commercial telephone service in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada by Alexander Graham Bell.
  • 1893 Lizzie Borden is acquitted for the murders of her father and stepmother.
  • 1944 World War II: The Battle of the Philippine Sea concludes with a decisive U.S. naval victory. The lopsided naval air battle is also known as the “Great Marianas Turkey Shoot”.
  • 1948 Toast of the Town, later The Ed Sullivan Show, makes its television debut.
  • 1963 “Red telephone” established between Soviet Union and United States following the Cuban Missile Crisis.
  • 1990 Asteroid Eureka is discovered.
  • 2003 The WikiMedia Foundation is founded in St. Petersburg, Florida.

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How a man’s language evolves after The Big Day

The “L” Word:
6 weeks: “I love you, I love you, I love you!”
6 months: Of course, I love you.”
6 years: “ARGH! if I didn’t love you, then why do you think I proposed?”

Back from Work:
6 weeks: “Honey, I’m home!”
6 months: “BACK!!”
6 years: “What did your mom cook for us today?”

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: “Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.”
6 months: “Here. For you.”
6 years: “ANSWER THE @#$@# PHONE!”

Cooking:
6 weeks: “I never knew food could taste so good!”
6 months: “What are we having for dinner tonight?”
6 years: “AGAIN!?!”

New Dress:
6 weeks: “Wow, you look like an angel in that!”
6 months: “You bought ANOTHER new dress?”
6 years: “How much did THAT cost me?”

TV:
6 weeks: “Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?”
6 months: “I like this movie.”
6 years: “I’m going to watch the game. If you’re not interested, go to bed; I can stay up by myself.”

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When I was younger I had a saying tattooed on my stomach. It said, “EAT AT JOE’S.”

Now that I’m middle aged and my stomach has grown larger, it now reads, “EAT AT JOE’S, FULL MENU, HOURS 6AM -10PM 7 DAYS A WEEK. APPETIZERS …”

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ONE-LINERS: Knowing Your Terms
* TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
* DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.
* PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
* PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.
* SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.
* SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.
* SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.
* CANNIBAL — person who likes to see other people stewed.
* EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
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SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

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pic of the day: Chicken Row

chickens on fence
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
3. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
4. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
5. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
6. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
7. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
8. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
9. Mummies are bound to be uptight.
10. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

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GOLDEN OLDIE… A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.

“How’d you end up with a peg-leg?” asks the sailor.

“I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit off me whole leg.”

“Good heavens!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”

“We were boarding an enemy ship, fighting the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eyepatch?”

“A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? ” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well,” said the pirate, “It was me first day with me hook.”

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This is a familiar story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Stupidity Signs . . . Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

~ It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?”
“Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

~ A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “No – We talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”

~ I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it!”

~ Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here’s your sign.”

~ We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who invented the leotard? French aerialist, Jules Leotard, introduced the flying trapeze. He also invented the tights we call leotards.

~Will anything kill kudzu? There are some herbicides that will kill kudzu. Allowing animals to overgraze land with kudzu will also kill the vine. But kudzu is so aggressive that it comes back, so you have to be certain to totally eradicate it and monitor kudzu sites for years to prevent regrowth.

~Where did Washington bid farewell? While in Fraunces Tavern in New York City, George Washington bid farewell to his officers in 1783.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He is a self-made man & worships his creator. – John Bright

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Promise yourself to live your life as a revolution and not just a process of evolution. – Anthony J. D’Angel