Tag Archives: chicken picture

Humor for September 18, 2017

Every man dies. Not every man really lives – William Ross Wallace

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 18th – MONDAY

261st day of 2017 with 104 days to follow. Moon waning with 4% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Read an eBook Day
~ National Cheeseburger Day
~ National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day
~ World Water Monitoring Day
~ National Honey Month
~ National Potato Month
~ National Rice Month
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1709 Samuel Johnson, English author, biographer, poet (The Patriot, Messiah, The Plays of William Shakespeare, A Dictionary of the English Language)
  • 1819 Leon Foucault, French physicist (Foucault pendulum – demonstrates effect of Earth’s rotation)
  • 1905 Greta Garbo, Swedish actress (Anna Karenina, Mata Hari, Grand Hotel, Romance)
  • 1939 Frankie Avalon, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor, singer (Beach Party, Beach Blanket Bingo, The Alamo, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea)
  • 1944 Charles L. Veach, Chicago, Illinois, USAF pilot / astronaut (STS-39, STS-52)
  • 1948 Lynn Abbey, Peekskill, New York, computer programmer and author (Daughter of the Bright Moon, The Brazen Gambit, The Rise and Fall of a Dragon King)
  • 1951 Ben Carson, Detroit, Michigan, retired neurosurgeon (pioneer work on separating co-joined at the head twins), author (Gifted Hands, Think Big, The Big Picture, One Nation, One Vote)
  • 1961 James Gandolfini, Westwood, New Jersey, actor (The Sopranos, True Romance, Get Shorty, Where the Wild Things Are)
  • 1970 Aisha Tyler, San Francisco, California, actress, television host, and author (Talk Soup, The Santa Clause 2, Ghost Whisperer, Archer, The Talk, Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
  • 1971 Jada Pinkett Smith, Baltimore, Maryland, model and actress (Princess Mononoke, The Matrix Reloaded, The Nutty Professor, Madagascar, Gotham)
  • 1972 Michael Landes, The Bronx, New York, actor (Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Special Unit 2, Final Destination 2, The Wedding Bells, Material Girl, Save Me)
  • 1973 James Marsden, Stillwater, Oklahoma, actor (Cyclops in X-Men movies, Superman Returns, Enchanted, The Notebook, The Butler, 30 Rock, Westworld)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle – Albert Einstein.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1793 The first cornerstone of the Capitol building is laid by George Washington.
  • 1837 Tiffany and Co. (first named Tiffany & Young) is founded by Charles Lewis Tiffany and Teddy Young in New York City. The store is called a “stationery and fancy goods emporium”.
  • 1851 First publication of The New-York Daily Times, which later becomes The New York Times.
  • 1870 Henry D. Washburn names Old Faithful Geyser during the Washburn-Langford-Doane Expedition to Yellowstone.
  • 1947 The United States Air Force becomes an independent branch of the United States armed forces.
  • 1959 Vanguard 3 is launched into Earth orbit.
  • 1977 Voyager I takes first photograph of the Earth and the Moon together.
  • 1998 ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) is formed.
  • 2001 First mailing of anthrax letters from Trenton, New Jersey in the 2001 anthrax attacks.
  • 2009 The 72 year run of the soap opera The Guiding Light ends as its final episode is broadcast.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A sales rep, a manager, a repair technician and a programmer were driving in a car when they had a flat tire. They all got out to survey the damage.

The sales Rep declared, “Well, we obviously need a new car.”

The manager said, “Naaah, let’s just ignore the problem and maybe it’ll go away.”

The repair tech says, “Wait! Let’s just swap the wheels around until we find the bad one.”

The programmer offers, “Let’s get the flat fixed, then drive the car on the same road to see if it happens again!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Just Wondering….
~ Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
~ Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
~ Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
~ Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
~ What’s another word for thesaurus?
~ Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
~ It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
~ Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

It’s thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

“Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life,” says the tech.

Next morning, the phone rings. It’s a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.

The Administrator’s response? “Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: White Chickens on Fence


~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ When our fraternity voted on whether or not to permit alcohol, there wasn’t a dry “aye” in the house.
~ My church hired a new seminary graduate. We were looking for greener pastors.
~ A woodchuck escaped from the pet store in our shopping center. The manager said, “The chuck is in the mall.”
~ Q: What do politicians do after they die? A: They lie still.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A wife’s answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.
The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“How are you getting along with trying to date that new co-worker?”

“Not so bad. I’m getting some encouragement now.”

“Really? Is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?”

“Not exactly, but yesterday she told me she’s said no for the last time.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn’t help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant.

“I’ll take care of it,” she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she’d solved the problem by turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, “Whatever you do, please don’t ask about the engines.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I sat down with a new client at the gym where I work to review her application. For the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had written, “Horrendous eating habits.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

The woman replied, “I don’t know how to spell atrocious’.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: How did Hannibal take elephants across the Alps? According to an account of his crossing, Hannibal’s soldiers (on their way to invade Europe) used hot vinegar to dissolve rock (presumably limestone) in order to make footholds for the elephants.

~What did Romans use to treat skin ulcers? In ancient Rome, gold salves were used for the treatment of skin ulcers. Today, gold leaf plays an important role in the treatment of chronic ulcers.

~What unique ingredient can you get on a pizza in Iceland? In Iceland, Domino’s Pizza has a reindeer sausage pie on its menu.

~How long does a carp live? The common carp lives up to 25 years in the wild, and up to 40 years in captivity. The durable fish can survive in waters up to 90 degrees F, and can even withstand freezing for short period.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. – Ambrose Bierce