Tag Archives: daisy picture

Humor for March 6, 2017

A friend is a second self. – Aristotle

TODAY – MARCH 6TH – MONDAY

65th day of 2017 with 300 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 62% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Dentist’s Day
~ National Frozen Food Day
~ National Frozen Food Month
~ National Oreo Day
~ National White Chocolate Cheesecake Day
~ National Nutrition Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1475 Michelangelo, Italian artist and sculptor (David, Sistene Chapel ceiling)
  • 1619 Cyrano de Bergerac, French soldier, poet (The Other Word: The State and Empires of the Moon)
  • 1806 Elizabeth Barrett Browning, British poet (The Cry of the Children, Sonnets from the Portuguese, Aurora Leigh)
  • 1906 Lou Costello, Paterson, New Jersey, actor and comedian (Abbott and Costello)
  • 1923 Ed McMahon, Detroit, Michigan, television personality (The Tonight Show w/Johnny Carson, Star Search, TVs Bloopers & Practical Jokes)
  • 1927 Gordon Cooper, Shawnee, Oklahoma, astronaut (Project Mercury-Atlas 9, Gemini 5)
  • 1939 Adam Osborne, British author and computer designer (1st commercially available portable computer, the Osborne 1, pioneer in computer book field)
  • 1946 Martin Kove, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Cagney & Lacey, The Karate Kid, Hard Time on Planet Earth, Assassin X)
  • 1959 Tom Arnold, Ottumwa, Iowa, actor and comedian (True Lies, My Big Redneck Wedding, Easy to Assemble)
  • 1972 Shaquille O’Neal, Newark, New Jersey, basketball player (Orlando Magic)

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Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life. – Bertolt Brecht, The Mother, 1932
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1836 Battle of the Alamo: After a thirteen-day siege by an army of 3,000 Mexican troops, the 187 Texas volunteers, including frontiersman Davy Crockett and colonel Jim Bowie, defending the Alamo are killed and the fort is captured.
  • 1899 Bayer registers aspirin as a trademark.
  • 1981 After presenting the CBS Evening News for 19 years, Walter Cronkite signs off for the last time.
  • 1983 The first United States Football League game is played.
  • 1992 Michelangelo computer virus begins to affect computers.

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Two guys were playing golf. One pulls out a cigar and discovers he doesn’t have a light. The other guy reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a foot-long Bic lighter. “Wow,” says the friend, “Where did you get that big lighter?”

“My genie gave it to me,” replied his partner.

“You have a genie?” asked the friend.

“Sure do. He’s right here in this bag,” replied the partner.

“Do you think he’d grant me a wish?” asked the friend.

“Sure he would!” said the partner. Then he proceeded to take the genie out of the bag.

“Your wish is my command,” boomed the genie.

“I want a million bucks,” commanded the friend. Nothing happened for a while then all of a sudden the sky turned black as a million ducks flew over.

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GOLDEN OLDIE… Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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ONE-LINERS: You Might Be a Computer Geek If…
You may have heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s humorous dialogue about rednecks, well, this is a twist on his style of humor.
You might be a computer geek, by Jeff Foxqwerty.
You might be a computer geek:
~ If you have 20/20 vision, and still can’t C…
~ If You buy a car and ask what version it is instead of model…
~ If the biggest purchase of your life happens at least once a month…
~ If you spent more on your computer than your wife’s engagement ring…
~ If you can pronounce several Japanese words and they aren’t forms of martial arts…
~ If your idea of a date is dinner and an AVI…
~ If your pet rock is faster than a speeding bullet…
~ If you install windows, but you’re not a carpenter…
~ If your doctor says you have a slipped disk, and you call a data recovery company…
~ If a computer you bought for 2000 dollars is now being used as a doorstop…
~ If you want a faster car, you ask the dealer for an upgrade…
~ If you have an unpronounceable computer handle, and it actually means something…
~ If you have an SVGA monitor, and a Black and White TV…
~ If you have one in every port, and you aren’t a sailor…
~ If you one day realize you did your budget in Hex…
~ If you number your reports in powers of 2…
~ If you can recognize the speed of a modem by the tones…
~ If you’ve ever met someone for the first time that you’ve known for years…
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The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his ‘house in order’ , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. ‘What will you do for the last six months?’ asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, ‘I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law’.

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, ‘Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?’

‘Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!’

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pic of the day: Bug and Daisy

picture of daisy and bug
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: “I’m the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!”

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: “I’m the toughest piece of bitumen you’ll ever see this side of the border!”

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: “I’m the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I’ll take you both on!”

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of colored bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. “Shhhh!”, says the dual carriageway, “Watch what you say, that guy’s a real cycle path.”

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Country Song Titles : Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries . . .

– Ain’t No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

– You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

– Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

– I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

– She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn’t Choose Me

– The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn’t Cling To Me For Long

– Don’t Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

– I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

– Now That We’re Miserable, I Hope You’re Happy

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One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, “Don’t forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty.”

Predictably he didn’t remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, “And where was it we were moving to?”

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, “Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Can you tell me which way it went?”

She looked up at him and said, “Yes, Daddy, I’ll show you.”
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very punny…

It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.

Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.

He said, “don’t worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!”

Sheila looks to her husband and says, “Mortey…you think it’ll work?” and Mortey says,

“of course! Everybody knows…………………….

Rudolph, the Rab, knows grain dear!”

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Two non-Texans are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.” The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that guy would’ve tried that stuff with me!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How snowy is Japan? In the southern part of Japan, it rarely snows to any great amount except for the mountains, but the northern part usually has plenty of snow in the winter. Autumn is by far the best time to visit Japan, as far as the weather goes.

~What would you do with a pibroch? Listen to it — A “pibroch” is a piece of music for the bagpipe, consisting of a theme with variations, usually martial but sometimes dirgelike.

~Which president was the first to fly himself?
Dwight David Eisenhower was the first American president to hold an airplane pilot’s license.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way – Henny Youngman

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice. – Martin Luther King, Jr.