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Humor for May 3, 2017

Just living is not enough.  One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~ Hans Christian Anderson

TODAY – MAY 3rd – WEDNESDAY

1243rd day of 2017 with 242 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 55% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Lumpy Rug Day
~ National Chocolate Custard Day
~ National Raspberry Popover Day
~ International Sun Day (advocating solar power)
~ World Press Freedom Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1903 Bing Crosby, Tacoma, Washington, singer / actor / golfer (White Christmas)
  • 1919 John Cullen Murphy, NYC, New, York, comic strip artist (Prince Valiant)
  • 1921 Sugar Ray Robinson, Detroit, Michigan, boxer (world welterweight & middleweight titles)
  • 1933 Alex Cord, Floral Park, New York, actor (Archangel/Airwolf; Mission Impossible; Genesis II)
  • 1934 Frankie Valli, Newark, New Jersey, singer (The Four Seasons)
  • 1946 Greg Gumbel, New Orleans, Louisana, sports broadcaster (CBS/ NFL & NCAA)
  • 1948 Chris Mulkey, Viroqua, Wisconsin, actor (Cloverfield, Knight Rider, Wing Commander, Captain Phillips, Mad Families)
  • 1970 Bobby Cannavale, Union City, New Jersey, actor (The Bone Collector, Third Watch, Will & Grace, Boardwalk Empire, Nurse jackie, Ant-Man, Vinyl, Mr. Robot)
  • 1975 Christina Hendricks, Knoxville, Tennessee, actress (Firefly, Kevin Hill, Mad Men, Hap and Leonard)
  • 1984 Cheryl Burke, San Francisco, California, dancer (Dancing w/the Stars first champion 2-times consecutively, participated 18 seasons; Dance Moms)

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Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. – Erich Fromm
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1802 Washington, D.C. is incorporated as a city.
  • 1921 West Virginia imposes the first state sales tax.
  • 1933 Nellie Tayloe Ross becomes the first woman to head the United States Mint.
  • 1937 Gone with the Wind, a novel by Margaret Mitchell, wins the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.
  • 1951 The Kentucky Derby is televised for the first time.
  • 1952 Lieutenant Colonels Joseph O. Fletcher and William P. Benedict of the United States land a plane at the North Pole.
  • 1978 The first unsolicited bulk commercial e-mail (which would later become known as “spam”) is sent by a Digital Equipment Corporation marketing representative to every ARPANET address on the west coast of the United States.
  • 1987 A crash by Bobby Allison at the Talladega Superspeedway, Alabama fencing at the start-finish line would lead NASCAR to develop restrictor plate racing the following season both at Daytona International Speedway and Talladega.
  • 2000 The sport of geocaching begins, with the first cache placed and the coordinates from a GPS posted on Usenet.
  • 2003 New Hampshire’s famous Old Man of the Mountain collapses.

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The new shampoo I’d just bought was disappearing much faster than could be explained by our family of four. I eliminated my husband and the baby as suspects and confronted my eight-year-old son. “Are you using my shampoo to wash your whole body?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Why are you doing that?”

“The bottle says ‘Full Body’!”

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A man comes running into the doctor’s office screaming in pain. “Please, doctor, you’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!”

“Don’t worry,” says the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand. I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house.”

“No, no, no! I mean on the part of your body where the bee stung you.”

“On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!”

“Which one?”

“How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me …”

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ONE-LINERS:

~I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars but I had to give it back.

~I took a course in speed reading. Then I got reader’s digest on microfilm. by the time I got the machine set up I was done.

~Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

~I took lessons in bicycle riding but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

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ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?
A brief battery of tests for prospective parents

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the customer service counter and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.

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pic of the day: Siloam Double Classic Daylily Twice As Nice


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A small lizard recently paroled from prison walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that salamander criminal?”

The lizard replies, “I’m a freed newt.”

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My wife and I were celebrating our 50th anniversary. I said to her over dinner, “Fifty years is a long time.”

“A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something just occurred to me.”

“What’s that?”

“If I had killed you the first time I felt like it, I’d be out of jail by now.”

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Doctors are used to getting calls at all hours. One night a man phoned, waking me up. “I’m sorry to bother you so late,” he said, “but I think my wife has appendicitis.”

Still half asleep, I reminded him, “I took your wife’s appendix out a couple of years ago. Whoever heard of a second appendix?”

“You may not have heard of a second appendix,” he replied, “but surely you’ve heard of a second wife.”

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This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock.”

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Golden Oldie… DISORDER IN THE COURT

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How long have we been “one nation, under God?” The original American Pledge of Allegiance was published in the September 8, 1892, issue of “The Youth’s Companion” in Boston. For years, the authorship was in dispute between James B. Upham and Francis Bellamy of the magazine’s staff. In 1939, after studying the controversy, the United States Flag Association decided that authorship be credited to Bellamy. The phrase “under God” was added to the pledge on June 14, 1954.

~Did a monster train Flipper? He certainly did — Ricou Browning, a former lifeguard who earned limited fame after playing the monster in 1954’s horror film Creature From the Black Lagoon, personally trained TV’s first Flipper, a female dolphin named Mitzi. Browning is the one responsible for developing the show’s premise, and got his inspiration from his own kids’ favorite TV show at the time, Lassie.

~Can an insect live without a head? Some insects, after their head is severed, may live for as much as a year. They react automatically to light, temperature, humidity, chemicals, and other stimuli.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: May you live all the days of your life.  – Jonathan Swift

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Life is a promise; fulfill it. – Mother Teresa