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Humor for July 20, 2017

Don’t reserve your best behavior for special occasions. You can’t have two sets of manners, two social codes – one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant. You must be the same to all people. – Lillian Eichler Watson


201st day of 2017 with 164 days to follow. Moon is waning with 13% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Chess Day
~ National Lollipop Day
~ National Moon Day (First Man on the Moon Day: commemorates the day man first walked on the moon
~ Ugly Truck Day


  • 1804 Sir Richard Owen, London, England, biologist (coined the word Dinosauria, meaning Terrible Reptile)
  • 1933 Cormac McCarthy, Providence, Rhode Island, Southern Gothic, western & post-apocalyptic author (Blood Meridian, Border Trilogy, No Country for Old Men)
  • 1938 Diana Rigg, England, actress (Emma Peel in Avengers, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Evil Under the Sun, Snow White, Parting Shots, The Painted Veil, Game of Thrones)
  • 1938 Natalie Wood [Natasha Gurdin], San Francisco, California, actress (Gypsy, Rebel Without a Cause)
  • 1947 Carlos Santana, Mexico, musician (Santana-Black Magic Woman)
  • 1964 Dean Winters, New York City, New York, actor (Oz, John Wick, Law & Order: SVU, Battle Creek, “Mayhem” in Allstate Insurance commercials)
  • 1964 Terri Irwin, Eugene, Oregon, naturalist (widow of Steve Irwin, Animal Planet television personality)
  • 1975 Judy Greer, Detroit, Michigan, actress (Arrested Development, Two and a Half Men, Archer, Mad Love, Married, Ant-Man)
  • 1978 Charlie Korsmo, Fargo, North Dakota, actor and lawyer (Dick Tracy, What About Bob, Hook)
  • 1985 John Francis Daley, Wheeling, Illinois, actor (Freaks and Geeks, The Geena Davis Show, Kitchen Confidential, Bones)
  • 1988 Julianne Hough, Provo Utah, ballroom dancer (won 4th and 5th season of Dancing With the Stars/judge) / country singer / actress (Footloose, Rock of Ages, Dirty Grandpa)

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. Henry Ford


  • 1872 Mahlon Loomis receives patent for wireless … the radio is born.
  • 1903 Ford Motor Company shipped its first car.
  • 1940 Billboard magazine publishes its first “Music Popularity Chart”; the first number one song is Frank Sinatra’s “I’ll Never Smile Again”.
  • 1948 First peacetime military draft started by President Harry S. Truman in the US amid increasing tensions with the Soviet Union.
  • 1969 1st men on Moon, Neil Armstrong & Edwin Aldrin, Apollo 11 lands on the moon.
  • 1976 US Viking 1 lands on Mars at Chryse Planitia, 1st Martian landing.
  • 1977 Flash flood hits Johnstown, Pennsylvania, kills 80 & causing $350 million damage.
  • 1997 The fully restored USS Constitution (a.k.a. Old Ironsides) celebrates its 200th birthday by setting sail for the first time in 116 years.
  • 2003 Rookie Ben Curtis, ranked 396th in the world, wins British Open, the first golfer to win a major golf tournament on his first try in more than ninety years.
  • 2012 A gunman opens fire at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, as it is showing The Dark Knight Rises, killing 12 and injuring 70 others.


A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ‘Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?’

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, ‘It’s my dog. Why?’

‘Well,’ squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, ‘I believe my dog just killed it, sir.’

‘What?’ roared the big man in disbelief. ‘What kind of dog do you have that could manage that?’

‘Sir,’ answered the little man, ‘It’s a four week old puppy.’

‘Bull!’ roared the biker, ‘How could your puppy kill my Doberman?’

‘It appears that he choked on it, sir.’


Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is “Your Passionate.”

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, “Your Passionate.” The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live.”

She replied I keep trying to tell you: “Your Passin’ It!”


~ Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
~ Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
~ Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
~ Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
~ Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
~ Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
~ Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
~ Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
~ Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
~ Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
~ Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
~ Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
~ Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
~ Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
~ Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
~ Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
~ Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. ”What seems to be the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, ”Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, ”I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”


pic of the day: Daylily Stella D’Oro



A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”


Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick nose into other people’s business.

Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town’s only bar all afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home ….and left it there all night.


Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said “keep tightly closed.”


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”


TODAY IN TRIVIA: When did Ed’s pads first appear? As World War I raged through Europe in 1917, Ed Cox of San Francisco invented a pre-soaped pad with which to clean pots. His wife named it S.O.S., which, as the story goes, stood for “Save Our Saucepans.”

~Does BO influence mating? A Swiss study found that a majority of women unconsciously choose mates with a body odor that differs from their own natural scents, which, as a result, ensures better immune protection for their children. “Longevity” magazine reported that the genes that battle disease-provoking substances also influence body odor.

~Where can you see the chandelier of bones? In a Czechoslovakian church there is a chandelier made of human bones. The ceiling is festooned with the remains of former worshipers. This most unusual chandelier is in the ossuary in Sedlec, in what used to be Czechoslovakia, now the Czech Republic.

QUIP OF THE DAY: Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.


Thought for the day. . . “Our beliefs about what we are and what we can be precisely determine what we will be.” – Anthony Robbins