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Humor for December 7, 2016

Don’t think you are going to conceal thoughts by concealing evidence that they ever existed. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

TODAY – DECEMBER 7th – WEDNESDAY

342nd day of 2016 with 24 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 52% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Civil Aviation Day
~ Letter Writing Day
~ National Cotton Candy Day (Would you like some fairy floss?)
~ National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
~ Special Kids Day (First Wednesday)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1863 Richard Sears, Stewartville, Minnesota, department store founder
  • 1873 Willa Cather, Winchester, Virginia, author (My Antonia, O Pioneers!)
  • 1910 Eleanor Gibson, Peoria, Illinois, psychologist (studied learning processes in children)
  • 1923 Ted Knight, Terryville, Connecticut, (Mary Tyler Moore, Too Close for Comfort, Caddyshack)
  • 1932 Ellen Burstyn, Detroit, Michigan, actress (Exorcist, Alice Doesn’t Live Here, The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, Louie, The Age of Adaline, House of Cards)
  • 1942 Harry Chapin, New York, New York, folk/rock singer/songwriter (Taxi, Cat’s in the Cradle)
  • 1965 Jeffrey Wright, Washington, D.C.,  actor (Quantum of Solace, Cadillac Records, Syriana, The Hunger Games, The Good Dinosaur, Westworld)
  • 1966 C. Thomas Howell, Van Nuys, California,  actor (The Outsiders, The Hitcher, Soul Man, The Poseidon Adventure, War of the Worlds, Grimm, Lazarus Rising, Beast Mode)
  • 1978 Shiri Appleby, Los Angeles, California, actress (Roswell, ER, The Killing Floor, Charlie Wilson’s War, Code Black, UnREAL)
  • 1979 Jennifer Carpenter, Louisville, Kentucky,  actress (The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Quarantine, Dexter, Limitless)
  • 1988 Emily Browning, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia,  actress (Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Uninvited, Sucker Punch, Pompeii)

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If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors. There is no other. – Carl Schurz
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1787 Delaware becomes the first state to ratify the United States Constitution.
  • 1869 In Gallatin, Missouri, first confirmed bank robbery committed by outlaw Jesse James.
  • 1909 Leo Hendrick Baekeland, Yonkers NY, received patent #942,699 for the first synthetic plastic, known as Bakelite.
  • 1930 W1XAV in Boston, Massachusetts broadcasts video from the CBS radio orchestra program, The Fox Trappers. The broadcast also includes the first television commercial in the United States, an advertisement for I.J. Fox Furriers, who sponsored the radio show.
  • 1941 Imperial Japanese Navy attacks the US Pacific Fleet and its defending Army Air Forces and Marine air forces at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.
  • 1963 Instant replay makes its debut during an Army–Navy game.
  • 1972 Apollo 17, the last Apollo moon mission, is launched. The crew takes the photograph known as The Blue Marble as they leave the Earth.
  • 1995 The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter, a little more than six years after it was launched by Space Shuttle Atlantis during Mission STS-34.
  • 1999 The Recording Industry Association of America files a lawsuit against the Napster file-sharing client alleging copyright infringement.
  • 2009 United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen (COP15) is held.

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The story went something like this:

Sergeant: When you are scared, what do you do?

Recruit: Keep on fightin’

Sergeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear…what then?

Recruit: Keep on fightn’!

Sergeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then?

Recruit: Then I can’t see.

Sergeant: Can’t see? what school did you come from?

Recruit: Well sergeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down…over my eyes.

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ANNOUNCEMENT: The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

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Country song titles – Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:

– Ain’t No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

– You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

– Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

– I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

– She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn’t Choose Me

– The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn’t Cling To Me For Long

– Don’t Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

– I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

– Now That We’re Miserable, I Hope You’re Happy

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Professors of physics, chemistry and statistics are in the Dean’s office. The Dean is called out shortly after they arrive, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, “I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out.”

The chemist says, “No! No! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants.”

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they are both alarmed to see the statistician running around the room setting more fires. They both scream, “What are you doing?!?”

The statistician calmly replies, “Trying to get an adequate sample size.”

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pic of the day: Maremma Sheepdog and English Shepherd

maremma-sheepdog_english-shepherd
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WARNING! Punny Daffynitions:
~ Amiss: A woman who is not married.
~ Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
~ City Life: Thousands of people being lonesome together.
~ Dandruff: Chips off the old block.
~ Filing Cabinet: A metal box where you can systematically lose things.
~ Grandparents: Grandchild’s press secretary.
~ Honeymoon: Thrill of a wifetime.
~ Igloo: An icicle built for two.
~ Juvenile Delinquents: Somebody else’s kids.
~ Life Insurance: The thing that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.
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A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn’t believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

“Cartwheels,” Gregory answered.

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied, “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”

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How Government Works . . .

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

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In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang. “Reverse charges call from Jackie,” said the operator. “Will you accept the charges?”

I couldn’t think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the ‘phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. “Hi, Margaret, it’s Jackie,” said a familiar voice, “your mother-in-law.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What does starch do in paper? Starch is used as a binder in the production of paper. It is the use of a starch coating that controls ink penetration when printing. Cheaper papers do not use as much starch, and this is why your elbows get black when you are leaning over your morning paper.

~Who was last to the English alphabet party? The English-language alphabet originally had only 24 letters. One missing letter was “J,” which was the last letter to be added to the alphabet. The other latecomer to the alphabet was “U.”

~How did questions initially arise? While initial tests used a humanoid crash test dummy, subsequent tests were performed by John Paul Stapp, at that time a Captain. He raised questions about the accuracy of the electronic strain gauges attached to his harness’s restraining clamps. Murphy’s assistant wired the harness, and a trial was run using a chimpanzee. When the sensors provided a zero reading, it became apparent that they had been installed incorrectly, with each sensor wired backwards

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . You must be the change you wish to see in the world. – Mohandas K. Gandh