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Humor for March 13, 2017

The trouble with life isn’t that there is no answer, it’s that there are so many answers. – Ruth Fulton Benedict

TODAY – MARCH 13th – MONDAY

72nd day of 2017 with 293 days to follow. Moon is full with 100% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Coconut Torte Day
~ Ear Muff Day
~ Jewel Day
~ National Chicken Noodle Soup Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1733 Joseph Priestley, English scientist and minister (credited with the discovery of oxygen)
  • 1855 Percival Lowell, Boston, Massachusetts, astronomer (speculated about canals on Mars, founded Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona, started effort that led to discovery of Pluto 14 years after his death)
  • 1914 Edward “Butch” O’Hare, St. Louis, Missouri, Navy pilot and Medal of Honor recipient (Navy’s first flying ace in WWII)
  • 1939 Neil Sedaka, Brooklyn, New York, singer and songwriter
  • 1941 Donella Meadows, Elgin, Illinois, scientist (lead author of the influential book The Limits to Growth )
  • 1950 William H. Macy, Miami, Florida, actor (Fargo, Wild Hogs, Air Force One, Jurassic Park III, Panic, Seabiscuit, Sahara, The Lincoln Lawyer, Shameless)
  • 1953 Ridley Pearson, Glen Cove, New York, author (The Angel Maker, In Harm’s Way, Probable Cause, Chain of Evidence; Kingdom Keepers, Peter Pan series for children)
  • 1955 Glenne Headly, New London, Connecticut, actress (Dick Tracy, Mortal Thoughts, Lonesome Dove, On Golden Pond, ER, Monk)
  • 1956 Dana Delany, New York, New York, actress (China Beach, Tombstone, Fly Away Home, Desperate Housewives, Body of Proof, Dial a Prayer, Hand of God)
  • 1971 Annabeth Gish, Albuquerque, New Mexico, actress (Scarlett, Wyatt Earp, True Women, The X-Files, Brotherhood, The Bridge, Texas Killing Fields, Somnia, Sons of Anarchy, Grass Stains)
  • 1975 Chris Ashworth, Farmville, Virginia, actor (The Wire, Hitch, Terminator Salvation)
  • 1985 Emile Hirsch, Topanga, California, actor (The Emperor’s Club, Lords of Dogtown, Into the Wild, Milk, Bonnie & Clyde, Lone Survivor, All NIghter)

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The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances. – Martha Washington
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1781 William Herschel discovers Uranus.
  • 1930 The news of the discovery of Pluto is telegraphed to the Harvard College Observatory.
  • 1991 The United States Department of Justice announces that Exxon has agreed to pay $1 billion for the clean-up of the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska.
  • 1997 India’s Missionaries of Charity chooses Sister Nirmala to succeed Mother Teresa as its leader.
  • 1997 The Phoenix lights are seen over Phoenix, Arizona by hundreds of people, and by millions on television.
  • 2008 Gold prices on the New York Mercantile Exchange hit $1,000 per ounce for the first time.
  • 2013 Pope Francis is elected in the papal conclave to succeed Pope Benedict XVI.

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The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you must be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, “That was fantastic, but I’m sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, “Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you’re a dog — no way could I hire you.”

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, “Equal Opportunity Employer.”

The exasperated manager said, “Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, “Meow!!!”

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ONE-LINERS: Why are men…

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

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pic of the day:


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ I’ve decided to start calling my bathroom the “Jim” instead of the “John”. It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the “Jim” every morning.

~ If the corn farmer fires his workers, will they stalk him? Oh shucks, I hope not, they’d give him an earful!

~ If the workers at the cucumber farm go on strike, does that put the owner in a pickle?

~ Ever since my mineral extraction facility was converted to parking, I’ve had a lot on my mine.

~ “Do you ever wonder what eternity means?”
“All the time.”

~ A cannibal chief was feeling very sick so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination the medicine man asked, “What you have for dinner last night?”
“White man.”
“What he look like?”
“Brown robe, white rope belt, clerical collar, bald on top.”
“How you cook him?”
“Broiled.”
“You idiot! No wonder you sick! That was no broiler — that was a Friar!”

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

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My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren’t flying first class, where we’d have more room for our infant.

“They probably don’t allow babies in first class,” I said.

“On the contrary,” a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us. “ALL our first-class passengers are babies.”

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.

It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.

“AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer.

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An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many seawater reptiles are there? Marine iguanas, saltwater crocodiles, sea snakes, and sea turtles are the only surviving seawater-adapted reptiles.

~Why won’t a camel move? Camels instinctively know their own endurance and will refuse to move beyond it. If their masters try to drive them farther, they will lie down and refuse to budge.

~Does a bug need its head? Not necessarily — Some insects, after their head is severed, may live for as much as a year. They react automatically to light, temperature, humidity, chemicals, and other stimuli.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell – Aldous Huxley

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all. – Leo Buscaglia