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Humor for January 31, 2017

“I am so far from being a pessimist…on the contrary, in spite of my scars, I am tickled to death at life.” – Eugene O’Neill

TODAY – JANUARY 31st – TUESDAY

31st day of 2017 with 334 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 14% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
~ Backward Day
~ Brandy Alexander Day
~ Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
~ National Hot Chocolate Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1797 Franz Schubert, Austrian composer (Unfinished Symphony)
  • 1872 Zane Grey, Zanesville, Ohio, American West novelist (Riders of the Purple Sage, Spirit of the Border)
  • 1902 Tallulah Bankhead, Huntsville, Alabama, actress, talk-show host (Made Me a Star, Lifeboat, A Royal Scandal)
  • 1915 Garry Moore, Baltimore, Maryland, comedian and host (The Garry Moore Show, I’ve Got a Secret, To Tell the Truth )
  • 1919 Jackie Robinson, Cairo, Georgia, baseball player (first black player in Major League Baseball (Brooklyn Dodgers))
  • 1921 Carol Channing, Seattle, Washington, actress (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Hello Dolly)
  • 1923 Norman Mailer, Long Branch, New Jersey, writer and journalist (The Naked & The Dead, The Deer Park, The Executioner’s Song)
  • 1931 Ernie “Mr Cub” Banks, Dallas, Texas, Chicago Cubs, Hall-of-Famer (1st baseman / shortstop)
  • 1937 Suzanne Pleshette, New York City, New York, actress (The Birds, Emily-Bob Newhart Show, The Shaggy D.A., The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride)
  • 1941 Jessica Walter, Brooklyn, New York. actress (Just Shoot Me, Play Misty for Me, Arrested Development, Amy Prentiss, Archer)
  • 1947 Nolan Ryan, Refugio, Texas, pitcher (Mets, Angels, Astros) (7 no-hitters, 5,714 KS)
  • 1977 Kerry Washington, The Bronx, New York, actress (Ray , The Last King of Scotland, Fantastic Four, Scandal)
  • 1981 Justin Timberlake, Memphis, Tennessee, singer (“Cry Me a River”, “My Love”, “What Goes Around…/…Comes Around”)

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Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. – Amelia Earhart
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1865 The United States Congress passes the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, abolishing slavery, submitting it to the states for ratification.
  • 1865 American Civil War: General Robert E. Lee becomes Confederate general-in-chief.
  • 1876 The United States orders all Native Americans to move into reservations.
  • 1930 3M begins marketing Scotch Tape.
  • 1958 Explorer 1 – The first successful launch of an American satellite into orbit.
  • 1958 James Van Allen discovers the Van Allen radiation belt.
  • 1961 Ham the Chimp travels into outer space as part of Project Mercury.
  • 1971 Apollo 14 Mission – Astronauts Alan Shepard, Stuart Roosa, and Edgar Mitchell, aboard a Saturn V, lift off for a mission to the Fra Mauro Highlands on the Moon.
  • 1995 President Bill Clinton authorizes a $20 billion loan to Mexico to stabilize its economy.
  • 2010 Avatar becomes the first film to gross over $2 billion worldwide.

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There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

1) Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

2) Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.

3) Baptists don’t recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

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OUR COLUMBIA, S.C., Army Reserve Civil Affairs Brigade was holding a joint exercise with troops from Fort Bragg, N.C. One soldier was assigned the task of finding civilian facilities in the area that could repair an armored division’s vehicles. He located three shops that were so equipped and then phoned a fourth one. Was it in fact a heavy-duty repair shop? “Yes.” Could they repair diesel engines? “Sure.” Did they work on tracked vehicles? “Yep, work on those big tractors all the time.”

Did they have a crane that could lift an M-60 main battle tank? There was silence for a moment, and then the soldier heard a shout on the other end of the line: “Hey, Joe, come listen to this nut on the telephone!”
–Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Col. Ronald T. Hillhouse

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ONE-LINERS: LAWS of Life
~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
~ Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
~ Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
~ Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
~ Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
~ Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
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Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

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pic of the day: 3 Goats On a Spool

pic of 3 goats
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The summer band class I taught was just getting underway when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect and then for good measure stomped on it to ensure its fate.

“Is it a bee?” another student asked.

“Nope! Bee flat.”

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Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.

“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.

“No,” I replied.

“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”

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Phrases of Wisdom

– Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

– Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

– No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

– A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

– Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

– Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

– Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

– There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

– Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

– By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

– Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

– Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

– Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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It’s so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

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Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

… Then the fight started…

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What evidence do skeptics use the debunk the Shroud of Turin? Skeptics contend the shroud is a medieval hoax or forgery – or even a devotional work of artistic verisimilitude. Arguments and evidence cited against a miraculous origin of the shroud images include a letter from a medieval bishop to the Avignon pope claiming personal knowledge that the image was cleverly painted to gain money from pilgrims; radiocarbon tests in 1988 that yielded a medieval timeframe for the cloth’s fabrication; and analysis of the image by microscopist Walter McCrone, who concluded ordinary pigments were used.

~How cranky was the cattledrive’s cooks? Apparently, cattledrive cooks were just as cranky in real life as they were portrayed in Hollywood westerns. Cowpokes knew better than to tease or mess with “Cookie.” They might wake up with biscuit dough in their hair or find rocks mixed with their beans. Cattledrive cooks had to serve three meals a day, seven days a week. They kept alert to find and pick up wood for the fire as they traveled in the chuck wagon. They had to constantly go ahead of the cattle drives and prepare food in all types of weather, holding a tarp over the fire, if necessary. Cooks were also “jacks of all trades,” often playing the roles of doctor, barber, and even dentist for the drive hands.

~What is Frankincense? Frankincense is a sweet smelling gum resin derived from certain Boswellia trees which, at the time of Christ, grew in Arabia, India, and Ethiopia. Tradition says that it was presented to the Christ Child by Balthasar, the black king from Ethiopia or Saba. The frankincense trade was at its height during the days of the Roman Empire. At that time this resin was considered as valuable as gems or precious metals. The Romans burned frankincense on their altars and at cremations.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense. — Gertrude Stein

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you. – Lao-Tzu