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Humor for July 6, 2017

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. – Kahlil Gibran

TODAY – JULY 6th – THURSDAY

187th day of 2017 with 178 days to follow. Moon waxing with 94% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Kissing Day
~ National Fried Chicken Day
~ Old Albums Are Frisbees Day
~ National Culinary Arts Month
~ National Ice Cream Month
~ National Picnic Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1747 John Paul Jones, Scotland, U.S. naval fighter in American Revolution (“I have not yet begun to fight!”)
  • 1923 Nancy Davis Reagan, NYC, New York, 1st Lady (1981-89)
  • 1925 Merv Griffin, San Mateo. California, TV host (Merv Griffin Show)
  • 1927 Janet Leigh, Merced, California, actress (Little Women, in the shower in Psycho, Harper, The Manchurian Candidate)
  • 1931 Della Reese, Detroit, Michigan, singer/actress (Della Reese Show, Touched by an Angel, That’s So Raven)
  • 1935 Tenzin Gyatso, fourteenth Dalai Lama (Nobel Peace Prize 1989)
  • 1946 George W. Bush, New Haven, Connecticut, 43rd President of the United States (2001-2009)
  • 1946 Fred Dryer, Hawthorne, California, football player (NY Giants, LA Rams) and actor (Hunter, Death before Dishonor, Crisis)
  • 1946 Sylvester Stallone, NYC, New York, actor/scriptwriter (Rocky movies, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, The Specialist, The Expendables, Creed, Rachet & Clank, The Expendables)
  • 1966 Brian Posehn, Sacramento, California, actor/comedian (Just Shoot Me!, Uncle Nick, Bert on The Big Bang Theory)
  • 1979 Kevin Hart, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, comedian, actor (Ride Along, The Wedding Ringer, Get Hard, Central Intelligence, The Secret Life of Pets, Captain Underpants)

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You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. – Christopher Columbus
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1189 Richard I “the Lionheart” is crowned King of England.
  • 1854 In Jackson, Michigan, the first convention of the U.S. Republican Party is held.
  • 1885 Louis Pasteur successfully tests his vaccine against rabies. The patient is Joseph Meister, a boy who was bitten by a rabid dog.
  • 1917 During WWI, Arabian troops led by Lawrence of Arabia and Auda ibu Tayi capture Aqaba from the Turks during the Arab Revolt.
  • 1928 Worlds largest hailstone, a seven-inch (17.8-centimeter) wide chunk of ice almost as large as a soccer ballfalls in Potter Nebraska.
  • 1944 The Hartford Circus Fire, one of America’s worst fire disasters, kills approximately 168 people and injures over 700 in Hartford, Connecticut.
  • 1945 President Truman signs executive order establishing Medal of Freedom.
  • 1974 The radio program A Prairie Home Companion makes its first live broadcast.
  • 1988 Piper Alpha drilling platform in the North Sea destroyed by explosions and fires. 167 oil workers killed, making it the world’s worst offshore oil disaster.

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** Dentist Jokes **
Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?
Dentist: $300
Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work, that expensive.
Dentist: O.K. I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

—–
When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the ‘Painless’ dentist. However a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

‘He’s a fake!’ Gemima told her friends. ‘He’s not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him – and he screamed like anyone else.’
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An airhead taking her driver’s test handles most of the maneuvers well, but she has a little trouble parallel parking. She winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

The examiner asked, “Could you get a little closer?”

The airhead then unbuckled her seat belt, sidled over toward the examiner and asked, “Now what?”

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ONE-LINERS: OOPS ADS PLACED IN NEWSPAPERS. . .

~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

~ 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

~ Alzheimers center prepares for an affair to remember.

~ And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

~ Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

~ Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

~ For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

~ For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~ Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward!

~ Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

~ Georgia Peaches, California grown. 89cents/lb.

~ German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

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AT THE AIR BASE in Japan where I was operations officer, newly assigned fighter pilots were amused to learn that our flight surgeon was a gynecologist. At the end of his tour, the doctor, who had been the butt of their jokes, announced that his replacement had the ideal medical background for working with pilots. Our new flight surgeon was a pediatrician. –Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Lt. Col. Paul P. Nixon (Ret.)

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pic of the day: In the shade on a hot summer day…


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What do you get when you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
A: Shock absorbers
—–

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
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Directory Enquiries

1) Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please”.
Operator: “I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?”
Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off”.

2) Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: “Woven? Are you sure?”
Caller: “Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland”.

3) On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
“I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on”.

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An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners.” Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a “clunk.” He then made a left turn and again heard a “clunk.”

Back at the shop he soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, “Removed bowling ball from trunk”.

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“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.

“H I J K L M N 0,” answered Sally promptly.

Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”

“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”

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Coffee was always served at a our church after the service. One day, during children’s time, our pastor asked a young one if he knew why we had Coffee Hour.

Without hesitating, the young man replied, “Oh, yes. To wake people up after the sermon!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Which poisonous snake is the largest? A King Cobra is the biggest of all poisonous snakes and can grow to over 13 feet long. A bite from a King Cobra can kill an elephant in 4 hours.

~ What qualifies an onion as ‘sweet?‘ Sweet onions, which include Vidalias and Maui varieties, must be at least 6 percent sugar to be called “sweet.”

~ Which the first American series in the U.S.S.R? The first American television series acquired for screening in the Soviet Union was Fraggle Rock.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. – Louis Nizer

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Everyone has talent.  What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” – Erica Jong