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Humor for August 2, 2017

The man least dependent upon the morrow goes to meet the morrow most cheerfully. – Epicurus, 300 B.C.

TODAY – JULY 10th – MONDAY

214th day of 2017 with 151 days to follow. Moon waxing with 77% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Coloring Book Day
~ National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
~ Our Lady of the Angels of the Portiuncula (Franciscan Order)
~ National Catfish Month
~ National Eye Exam Month
~ National Golf Month
~ National Peach Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1754 Pierre Charles L’Enfant, French-American architect and engineer, designed Washington, D.C. (d. 1825)
  • 1892 Jack L. Warner, Canadian-born American production manager and producer, co-founded Warner Bros. (d. 1978)
  • 1924 Carroll O’Connor, Manhattan, New York, actor (All in the Family, Archie Bunker’s Place, In the Heat of the Night)
  • 1932 Lamar Hunt, El Dorado, Arkansas, businessman, co-founded the American Football League and World Championship Tennis
  • 1932 Peter O’Toole, British-Irish actor and producer (Lawrence of Arabia, The Lion in Winter, The Last Emperor)
  • 1945 Joanna Cassidy, Camden, New Jersey, actress (Blade Runner, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Diagnosis Murder, Six Feet Under, Body of Proof, Call Me Fitz, Odd Mom Out)
  • 1946 James Howe, Oneida, New York, journalist and author (Series: Misfits, Bunnicula, Pinky and Rex, Houndslety and Catina)
  • 1964 Mary-Louise Parker, Fort Jackson, SC, actress (Angels in America, The West Wing, Weeds, When We Rise)
  • 1977 Edward Furlong, Glendale, CA, actor (Terminator 2: Judgment Day, The Visitation, Warriors of Terra, Paranormal Abduction, A Winter Rose)

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Nothing is easy to the unwilling. – Nikki Giovanni
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1610 – During Henry Hudson’s search for the Northwest Passage, he sails into what is now known as Hudson Bay.
  • 1776 – The signing of the United States Declaration of Independence took place.
  • 1790 – The first United States Census is conducted.
  • 1873 – The Clay Street Hill Railroad begins operating the first cable car in San Francisco’s famous cable car system.
  • 1923 – Vice President Calvin Coolidge becomes U.S. President upon the death of President Warren G. Harding.
  • 1932 – The positron (antiparticle of the electron) is discovered by Carl D. Anderson.
  • 1934 – Gleichschaltung: Adolf Hitler becomes Führer of Germany following the death of President Paul von Hindenburg.
  • 1937 – The Marihuana Tax Act of 1937 is passed in America, the effect of which is to render marijuana and all its by-products illegal.
  • 1943 – World War II: The Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 is rammed by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri and sinks. Lt. John F. Kennedy, future U.S. President, saves all but two of his crew.
  • 1985 – Delta Air Lines Flight 191, a Lockheed L-1011 TriStar, crashes at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport killing 137.

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Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready.

Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.

He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn’t open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, “So you wanna race, huh?!”

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A client recently brought her two cats in to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.

“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”

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ONE-LINERS: Laws of Life…

~ When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
~ A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
~ When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
~ Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
~ When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
~ If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it’s probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
~ Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein’s law of persistence)
~ You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
~ Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
~ If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
~ The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
~ The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
~ Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)”
~ Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one’s hairdo.(The donking principle)
~ After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
~ Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)
~ Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won’t come out alive anyway.” (Theory of absolute certainty)

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When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.

“We have a serious beaver problem,” our friend said. “They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them.”

As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge.

It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0

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pic of the day: 3 Guineas & Sunshine

Guineas on hillside
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A Texas woman who couldn’t afford new curtains decided to dye her old ones. She got out a vat, mixed some brilliant blue dye, and set to work. While the woman was hanging her curtains on the line, her little white lamb fell into the vat. He was fished out, unhurt, and went scurrying off to dry in the sun.

A passing motorist observed the bright blue lamb, thought he’d discovered a new species, and offered the woman several times the market price. The next day the woman dyed a second lamb and it, too, sold almost immediately at a fancy price.

From this start she developed quite a business — buying, dyeing and selling lambs. She turned out to be the biggest lamb dyer in Texas.

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Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St. Peter.

The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels–I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.”

St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!”

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, “I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.”

“Wonderful!” says Saint Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?”

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, “Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.”

“Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?”

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “I’m very angry with the way things are going on earth — this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all the evil is destroyed; if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But rather than start from scratch, I’m still considering saving a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. So I’m ordering you to build an Ark for this purpose.” And with a flash of lightning, He delivered the specs for an Ark.

“Yes Lord!” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Don’t forget!” thundered God’s voice, “In 6 months it starts to rain! You’d better have that Ark built or learn to tread water, indefinitely!”.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was just sitting out in his yard in the rain, weeping. There was no sign of an Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord through the thunder and lightning, “Where is my Ark?!”

A sobbing Noah answered, “Lord, please forgive me! I did my best, but there were BIG problems. First I had to get a Building Permit for the Ark, and your plans didn’t meet the code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. You know how that goes.

“Then there was a huge upset about whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building an Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city council!

“Then, I couldn’t get enough wood for the Ark because some earth-sanctifying organizations have instigated a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted numbat. I had to convince the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood so I could save the numbats; it was the only way out. But then they wouldn’t let me catch any numbats! So, no numbats.

“Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Industrial Relations Commission before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but how am I to pay them? And still no numbats!

“When I realized the building of the Ark was stalled, I thought I could at least start gathering up pairs of animals, but I promptly got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted if the threat was real, I had to save ALL the animals, not just one pair of each. I just got that suit dismissed when the EPA notified me I couldn’t use the Ark, without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being that none of them personally knows to exist.

“Then the Royal Australian Army wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. They returned it with a note that read, ‘As any fool can see, water will NOT adhere to a round globe; it will fall off.’

“Right now, I’m trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. Most of them are involved in some kind of uprising. In the meantime, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just received a nasty notice from some state agency about owing them some kind of ‘use’ tax.

“I really don’t see any way I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!” Noah wailed. “Dear God, do you have a solution?”

Suddenly, the sky cleared! The sun came out! A rainbow arched across the heavens! Noah looked up and sighed with relief. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth after all?”

“No,” replied the Lord, “the government is doing it just fine, without any help from Me.”

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . . (LEAVE BLANK)

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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”
Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”
The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How long does it take for a lobster to grow? It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.

When was helium discovered? During an eclipse of the sun in 1868, spectral lines were located that were attributed to an unknown element that was called “helium,” from the Greek word for “sun.” Thirty years later, helium was discovered on Earth.

How many stars are there in the Campbell’s constellation? The Campbell Soup Company uses more than 44 billion stars each year in its canned Chicken & Stars Soup. In three years, Campbell’s produces more tiny pasta stars than there are in the Milky Way.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: He who laughs last laughs best. – Heywood

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Better be despised for too anxious apprehensions, than ruined by too confident security. – Edmund Burke