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Humor for June 22, 2017

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. – Anthony J. D’Angelo, The College Blue Book

TODAY – JUNE 22nd – THURSDAY

173rd day of 2017 with 192 days to follow. Moon is waning with 4% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Chocolate Eclair Day
~ National Onion Rings Day
~ National Papaya Month
~ National Steakhouse Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1856 H Rider Haggard, England, author (King Solomon’s Mine, Allan Quatermain Series, Ayesha Series)
  • 1898 Erich Maria Remarque, Germany, author (All Quiet on the Western Front)
  • 1903 John Dillinger, Brightwood, Indiana, bank robber (one of America’s Most Wanted)
  • 1906 Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Englewood, New Jersey, aviator/author (Gift from the Sea)
  • 1928 Ralph Waite, White Plains, New York, actor (John Walton Sr. / The Waltons, Last Summer, Cool Hand Luke)
  • 1936 Kris Kristofferson, Brownsville, Texas, singer/actor (Blade triology, A Star is Born, Amerika, Convoy, Millennium)
  • 1941 Michael Lerner, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Postman Always Rings Twice, Elf, Harlem Nights, Glee, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ashby)
  • 1947 Octavia Butler, Pasadena, California, author (Blood Child, Parable of the Sower, Patternist series)
  • 1949 Lindsay Wagner, Los Angeles, California, actress (Bionic Woman, Paper Chase, Nighthawks, Warehouse 13, Alphas, Change of Heart)
  • 1949 Meryl Streep, Summit, New Jersey, actress (French Lieutenant’s Woman, Sophie’s Choice, The Iron Lady, The Homesman, The Giver, Into the Woods, Suffragette)
  • 1953 Cyndi Lauper, Queens, New York, singer (Sisters of Avalon, The Body Acoustic)
  • 1954 Freddie Prinze, NYC, New York, comedian/actor (Chico & the Man)
  • 1956 Tim Russ, Washington DC, actor (Tuvok, ST: VOY, Live Free or Die Hard, Hannah Montana, iCarly, Samantha Who?, Six Gun Savior)
  • 1960 Tracy Pollan, Long Island, New York, actress (Family Ties, Stranger Among Us, Fine Things)
  • 1964 Amy Brenneman, New London, Connecticut, actress (Judging Amy, Private Practice, NYPD Blue, The Leftovers, Reign)
  • 1964 Dan Brown, Exeter, New Hampshire, author (The Da Vinci Code, The Lost Symbol, Inferno)
  • 1974 Donald Faison, NYC, New York, actor (Scrubs, Clueless, Remember the Titans, Who Gets the Last Laugh, Wonderland)

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If we cannot live so as to be happy, let us at least live so as to deserve it. – Immanuel Hermass von Fichte
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1633 The Holy Office in Rome forces Galileo to recant his scientific view that the Sun, not the Earth, is the center of the Universe.
  • 1874 Dr Andrew T Sill, of Macon, Missouri, founds science of osteopathy .
  • 1940 France falls to Nazi Germany; armistice signed, France disarmed.
  • 1941 Nazi Germany invades the Soviet Union in Operation Barbarossa, one of the most dramatic turning points of World War II.
  • 1969 The Cuyahoga River in northeast Ohio catches fire, triggering a crack-down on pollution in the river.
  • 1978 Pluto’s moon Charon discovered by James Christy .
  • 2003 The largest hailstone ever recorded falls from a thunderstorm in Aurora, Nebraska (7″ diameter, circumference of 18.75:)
  • 2009 Eastman Kodak Company announces discontinuing sales of Kodachrome Color Film, concluding its 74-year run as a photography icon.

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After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area.

So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

“Now,” she asked Will, “has your plane arrived yet?”

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When the jury came back a verdict favoring the defendant, who was out of town, the defendant’s lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client. The telegram read, “Justice has triumphed!”

The client wired back, “Appeal at once!”

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ONE-LINERS: For College Students, Start Worrying When…
~ You consider McDonalds ‘real food’.
~ 4.00AM is still early on weekends.
~ You’d rather clean than study.
~ Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
~ Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime.
~ You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps.
~ There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time.
~ The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit.
~ Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life.
~ You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.
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Computer GeekSpeak Finds Its Way Into Common Language:

404: Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their cell phones go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming: A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move) – Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously passing gas while walking thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

Cube Farm: A cluster of cubicles in an office. From the top they look like an art farm or bees’ nest, hiving productive little workers into their cells. “I’m glad I have my own office now, escaping the dreaded cube farm.”

Cube Horizon: In a vast cubicle office environment, when one stands up in one’s own cube and looks along the tops of the many cube walls stretching out to the horizon. The cube horizon can be interrupted by the heads of people walking around. And by many heads at once if there is a loud, unexplained noise in the area. This can result in prairie-dogging.

Egosurfing: Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Mouse Potato: The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the stuffings out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: A phenomenon where, in a landscape of office cubicles, a number of people stand up to look around over the tops of the cube walls. Usually an unexpected/loud noise or verbal exchange will cause the curious to rise like prairie dogs out of their holes. The people will scan the cube horizon and soon sit back down.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW.

Yuppie Food Coupons: Twenty dollar bills from an ATM

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pic of the day: 3 Guinea Fowl


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to the emergency room at the hospital, and rushed away.

After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through.”

“The bad news is that he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”.

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Golden Oldie… Bartender to customer: “What’ll you have?”

“A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender is not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

“What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”

“I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

“Thank you! Make it a scotch!”

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When the bride reached the altar, she found her husband-to-be standing with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She whispered angrily, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

“This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

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“What’s that thing you’re using to put on your shoes?”

“That’s a shoehorn.”

“How do you play it?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: When did spaghetti westerns come about? The term “spaghetti western” originated during the 1960’s. Moviemakers made low-budget films in Italy because it was cheaper to do so there than in the United States. Upon completion of a movie, English was dubbed in for the Italian actors. Struggling actor Clint Eastwood had left Hollywood for a few years and made his early Westerns in Italy with director Sergio Leone, to whom the term “spaghetti Western” is attributed. The collaboration of Eastwood and Leone included the hit film The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1966).

~Are there specific hymns for Advent? The most famous hymn of Advent is “O Come Emmanuel,” according to the Huffington Post. The song’s lyrics are about the hope that the season brings and are based on the words of the Prophet Isaiah. The word advent — which comes from the Latin adventus — means “the coming.”

~Why do prairie dogs kiss? Expressing recognition rather than love, Utah prairie dogs exchange “kisses.” By the touching of incisor teeth, they quickly confirm the identity of group members.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it – E. B. White

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow