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Humor for March 27, 2017

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. – Charles Dickens

TODAY – MARCH 27th – MONDAY

86th day of 2017 with 279 days to follow. Moon is new with 1% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Whiskey Day
~ National “Joe” Day
~ National Spanish Paella Day
~ World Theatre Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1813 Nathaniel Currier, Roxbury, Massachusetts, illustrator / lithographer (Currier & Ives)
  • 1845 Wilhelm Röntgen, German physicist (Nobel / produced & detected X-rays)
  • 1863 Sir Henry Royce, English automobile pioneer (co-founded Rolls-Royce company)
  • 1868 Patty Smith Hill, Anchorage, Kentucky, educator (co-wrote “Happy Birthday to You)
  • 1916 Jack M. Warner, American film producer (co-founder of Warner Bros.)
  • 1931 David Janssen, Naponee, Nebraska, actor (The Fugitive, Richard Diamond Private Detective, Harry O)
  • 1939 Cale Yarborough, Timmonsville, South Carolina, race car driver (former NASCAR driver; won 3 consecutive championships, 1st NASCAR driver to appear on cover of Sports Illustrated)
  • 1967 Talisa Soto, Brooklyn, New York, actress (License to Kill, The Mambo Kings, Mortal Kombat)
  • 1969 Mariah Carey, Huntington, New York, pop singer
  • 1969 Kevin Corrigan, The Bronx, New York, actor (Goodfellas, American Gangster, The Next Three Days, Take the Ten)
  • 1969 Pauley Perrette, New Orleans, Louisiana, actress, photographer, poet, writer (Abby Sciuto on NCIS, Murder One, Time of Your Life, A Moment of Grace)
  • 1988 Brenda Song, Carmichael, California, actress (Fudge, 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd, Pure Genius)

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Each man the architect of his own fate. – Sallust
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1794 The United States Government establishes a permanent navy and authorizes the building of six frigates.
  • 1812 Hugh McGary Jr. established what is now Evansville, Indiana on a bend in the Ohio River.
  • 1814 War of 1812: In central Alabama, U.S. forces under General Andrew Jackson defeat the Creek at the Battle of Horseshoe Bend.
  • 1886 Famous Apache warrior, Geronimo, surrenders to the U.S. Army, ending the main phase of the Apache Wars.
  • 1915 Typhoid Mary, the first healthy carrier of disease ever identified in the United States, is put in quarantine, where she would remain for the rest of her life.
  • 1964 The Good Friday Earthquake, the most powerful earthquake in U.S. history at a magnitude of 9.2 strikes South Central Alaska, killing 125 people and inflicting massive damage to the city of Anchorage.
  • 1990 The United States begins broadcasting TV Martí to Cuba in an effort to bridge the information blackout imposed by the Castro regime.
  • 2004 HMS Scylla (F71), a decommissioned Leander class frigate, is sunk as an artificial reef off Cornwall, the first of its kind in Europe.

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It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.

His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.”

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”

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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance of hitting her from here.”

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ONE-LINERS: Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which is well understood by comedians, hence our inclusion! The key point is that the final words make the reader see the first part of the sentence in a new light. Here are some Examples of Paraprosdokian . . .

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

* War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The results read, “Buy a television.”

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pic of the day: 3 Guinea Fowl

pic of 3 guinea fowl
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You’d never know if you weren’t told – it’s a perfect fit. Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out, and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan’s bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it’s absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there’s a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he’s got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

“Whoever stole it,” he shouts, “had better return it immediately!” And here he paused for effect…

“Or else there’ll be Hell Toupee!”

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A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?’

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’

The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’

‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’

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The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

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Interviewer: “Tell me Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

Miss Cromwell: “The living one.”

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The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?”

“Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”

“Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”

“Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How did Metallica lead to Megadeth? In early 1982, desperate for a full time lead guitarist, Ulrich advertised in a local newspaper. Dave Mustaine responded and Ulrich and Hetfield were so impressed they asked him to join before immediately. However, shortly after arriving in New York in 1983, Ulrich and Hetfield decided that Mustaine’s aggressive and disruptive behaviour (relating to his extensive alcohol and drug problems) was becoming too much to handle and he was asked to leave the band. Mustaine would go on to create the hugely-successful band Megadeth.

~Why is the Black Mission fig so named? The Black Mission fig, the most popular variety of fig growing in desert areas, is so named because of its color and because it was the variety introduced at the California and Southwestern Spanish missions.

~What made David so unique? Michelangelo’s David differs from previous representations of the subject in that David is depicted before his battle with Goliath and not after the giant’s defeat. Instead of being shown victorious over a foe much larger than he, David looks tense and ready for combat. His veins bulge out of his lowered right hand and the twist of his body effectively conveys to the viewer the feeling that he is in motion. The statue is meant to show David after he has made the decision to fight Goliath but before the battle has actually taken place. It is a representation of the moment between conscious choice and conscious action.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. – Napoleon Bonaparte