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Humor for September 13, 2017

If we would enjoy ourselves, we must take the world as it is; mix it up and a thousand spots of sunshine, a cloud here and there, a bright sky, a storm today, calm tomorrow, the chill-piercing winds of autumn, and the bland, reviving air of summer. –The 1854 Old Farmer’s Almanac

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 13TH – WEDNESDAY

257th day of 2017 with 109 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:

~ Defy Superstition Day
~ Fortune Cookie Day
~ International Chocolate Day
~ National Peanut Day
~ Positive Thinking Day
~ Snack A Pickle Time
~ Uncle Sam Day (his image was first used in 1813)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

~ 1851 Walter Reed, Belroi, Virginia, physician and biologist (confirmed the theory that yellow fever is transmitted by mosquitoes, rather than by direct contact)
~ 1857 Milton S Hershey, Derry Church, Pennsylvania, chocolate manufacturer/philanthropist (Hershey Chocolates)
~ 1911 Bill Monroe, Rosine, Kentucky, singer (Blue Grass Boys, “Father of Bluegrass”)
~ 1916 Roald Dahl, Welsh author (Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, James & the Giant Peach)
~ 1938 Judith Martin, Washington, D. C., etiquette writer (Miss Manners)
~ 1939 Richard Kiel, Detroit, Michigan, actor (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker)
~ 1944 Jacqueline Bisset, English actress (Bullitt, Airport, Murder on the Orient Express, The Deep, Under the Volcano, Joan of Arc, Dancing on the Edge) and producer
~ 1948 Nell Carter, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (Ain’t Misbehavin, Gimme a Break, Lobo)
~ 1951 Jean Smart, Seattle, Washington, actress (Designing Women, 24, Kim Possible/voice for Dr. Possible, Samantha Who?, Fargo, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce)
~ 1969 Tyler Perry, New Orleans, Louisiana, actor (Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea’s Family Reunion, House of Payne, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows), producer
~ 1970 Jason Scott Sadofsky, Hopewell Junction, New York, programmer (archivist and historian of technology; creator, owner & maintainer of textfiles.com, a web site which archives files from historic bulletin board systems)

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“Dare to be strong and courageous. That is the road. Venture anything.” – Sherwood Anderson
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

~ 1609 Henry Hudson reached the river that would later be named after him – the Hudson River.
~ 1788 The United States’ Philadelphia Convention sets the date for the country’s first presidential election, and New York City becomes the temporary capital of the U.S..
~ 1848 Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage incredibly survives a 3-foot-plus iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions.
~ 1862 Union soldiers find a copy of Robert E. Lee’s battle plans in a field outside Frederick, Maryland during the Civil War. It is the prelude to the Battle of Antietam.
~ 1898 Hannibal Williston Goodwin patents celluloid photographic film.
~ 1899 Henry Bliss is the first person in the United States to be killed in an automobile accident.
~ 1948 Margaret Chase Smith is elected senator, and becomes the first woman to serve in both the U.S. House of Representatives and the United States Senate.
~ 1956 IBM introduces the first computer disk storage unit, the RAMAC 305.
~ 1985 Nintendo releases its smash-hit Super Mario Bros., the best selling video game of all time.
~ 2008 Hurricane Ike makes landfall on the Texas Gulf Coast of the United States, causing heavy damage to Galveston Island, Houston and surrounding areas.
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Our building’s elevator malfunctioned, leaving several of us stranded between floors. Seeing a sign that listed an emergency phone number, I dialed it and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what I can do for you; I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?!? Your phone is listed as the emergency number for elevator problems. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

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A woman named Edna finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Edna again prays….”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and Edna still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, “My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edna is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

“Edna, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

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ONE-LINERS: I’m so old that …
… I remember what it was like *before* the good old days.
… I knew the First of the Mohicans.
… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.
… undertakers think I’m an escapee.
… Abraham Lincoln’s high school was named after me.
… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.
…I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.
… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom and Gomorrah.
… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.
…I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.
… my dreams are sepia toned.
… monkeys evolved from me.
… I creak when I blink.
… when I order a three minute egg they ask for the money up front.
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Two airheads are sipping lattes at Starbucks when they see a large truck pass by loaded with rolls of sod.

One airhead says to the other, “That’s what I’m going to do when I hit the lottery.”

“What’s that?”

“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”

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pic of the day: Horses!

horses
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender immediately throws him out, saying “We don’t serve pieces of string in this joint.”

So the piece of string twists himself around, frays his ends and walks back in.

The bartender is about to serve him when he looks up and asks, “Say … aren’t you a piece of string?”

The piece of string answers, “I’m a frayed knot.”

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A woman arrives at the Gates of Heaven. When St. Peter arrives she says to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word.”

“Which word?”

“Love.”

The woman spells ‘Love’ and is welcomed into Heaven.

Some time later, St. Peter asks the woman to stand in for him at the Pearly Gates. As it turns out, who should appear for admission but her first husband.

I’m surprised to see you,” says the woman. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been doing pretty well since we split. After I hit the lottery I married a beautiful young blonde, moved into a mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were in Cancun when I went water skiing, fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get into Heaven?”

“You have to spell a word.”

“Which word?”

“Boustrophedonic*.”

Moral: If you make a woman angry there will be hell to pay.

(& in case you were wondering…
* Boustrophedonic: Adjective describing writing where the lines go alternately right-to-left and left-to-right.)

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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, “I will then give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . . (LEAVE BLANK)
~ Well guys, it is official — football has begun! I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. And once they’re down there, the rest of the league will say, “OK, build the wall! Quick — we have a chance!” – Jimmy Fallon
~ We have some surprising news out of the White House. Because yesterday, Democrats proposed something to Donald Trump, and — you’re not going to believe this — he actually agreed with them. – James Corden
~ Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced they are expecting their third baby. And this time, they’re going to name the baby something normal. That’s the name. Something Normal West. – Seth Meyers
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After many months of unemployment the airhead finally lands a job painting lines down the center of roads. The supervisor says, “Like all new employees, you are considered to be on probation. You must paint two miles or more every day to meet standards and remain employed.”

The first day, the airhead completes four miles. The supervisor thinks, “Great! this employee is going to work out.”

The next day the airhead only does two miles. “That’s okay. It’s less, but still acceptable and I don’t want to do anything that might cause discouragement.”

The third day, however, the airhead only paints one mile. The boss decides it’s time for a talk. “You were doing great. The first day you did four miles and the second day two miles, but today you only did one mile. Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the two mile standard?”

The airhead replies, “I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How large is the Earth? The surface area of the Earth is 197,000,000 square miles.

~What is a ‘three dog night?’ The expression “three dog night” originated with the Eskimos and means a very cold night – so cold that you have to bed down with three dogs to keep warm.

~What does an antibiotic do for a cold? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 18 million courses of antibiotics are prescribed for the common cold in the United States per year. Research shows that colds are caused by viruses. Fifty million unnecessary antibiotics are prescribed for viral respiratory infections.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet