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Humor for April 12, 2017

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. – Stephen Covey

TODAY – APRIL 12th – WEDNESDAY

102nd day of 2017 with 263 days to follow. Moon is full with 99% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Big Wind Day
~ Global Day of Action on Military Spending
~ Halifax Day (North Carolina)
~ International Day of Human Space Flight
~ National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
~ National Licorice Day
~ Russian Cosmonaut Day
~ Yuri’s Night (Commemoration of first human in space, Yuri Gagarin)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1916 Beverly Cleary, McMinnville, Oregon, author children/young adult (Henry Huggins, The Mouse & The Motorcycle, Ramona series)
  •  1928 Brooklyn Supreme, Belgium, stallion, heaviest known horse (1450 kg/3190lb)
  •  1932 Tiny Tim [Herbert Butros Khaury], NYC, New York, singer (Tip Toe Thru’ the Tulips With Me)
  •  1946 Ed[ward] O’Neill, Youngstown, Ohio, actor (Big Apple, Married with Children, Modern Family)
  •  1947 Tom Clancy, Baltimore County, Maryland, author (Hunt for Red October, Clear & Present Danger)
  • 1947 David Letterman, Indianapolis, Indiana, talk show host/ comedian (Late Night)
  • 1949 Scott Turow, Chicago, Illinois, lawyer/ writer (Presumed Innocent, Burden of Proof, Reversible Errors)
  • 1950 David Cassidy, NYC, New York, singer/actor (Keith-Partridge Family)
  • 1954 Jon Krakauer, Brookline, Massachusetts, author (Into the Wild, Into Thin Air, Under the Banner of Heaven)
  • 1957 Vince Gill, Norman, Oklahoma, country/ bluegrass musician (Top male vocalist numerous times)
  • 1971 Shannen Doherty, Memphis, Tennessee, actress (Little House, Bev Hills 90210, Charmed, 2009 Dancing w/the Stars)
  • 1978 Riley Smith, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, singer (The Life of Riley), actor (Not Another Teen Movie, Radio, New York Minute, Joan of Arcadia, Minuteman, Nashville, Frequency)
  • 1979 Claire Danes, Manhattan, New York, actor (My So-Called Life, Romeo + Juliet, The Hours, Homeland)
  • 1979 Jennifer Morrison, Chicago, Illinois, model and actress (Dr. Allison Cameron in House, Once Upon a Time)

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Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things. – Peter Drucker
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1844 Texas became a US territory.
  • 1861 American Civil War: The war begins with Confederate forces firing on Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina.
  • 1865 American Civil War: Mobile, Alabama, falls to the Union Army.
  • 1934 The U.S. Auto-Lite Strike begins, culminating in a five-day melee between Ohio National Guard troops and 6,000 strikers and picketers.
  • 1935 “Your Hit Parade” debuts on radio.
  • 1945 Harry Truman sworn in as 33rd US President, as President Franklin D Rossevelt died while in office.
  • 1955 The polio vaccine, developed by Dr. Jonas Salk, is declared safe and effective.
  • 1961 Soviet Union launched first manned spacecraft. Yuri Gagarin became the first human to orbit the Earth and return safely.
  • 1981 The first launch of a Space Shuttle: Columbia launches on the STS-1 mission.

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A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”

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Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband’s favorites. “I’ve finally been able to make them sweet,” she said, “but how do you make them orange?”

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ONE-LINERS: Key to Text Messages from Your Parents:

* WIWYA — when I was your age

* LONDYH — log off now, do your homework

* DYMK? — does your mother know?

* NIWYM — no idea what you mean

* NCK — no chance, kid

* CRRE — conversation required; remove ear-buds

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The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director.”

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pic of the day: Brooklyn Supreme Belgian Horse

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn’t make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!
—-
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?
Tsardines!
—-
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.”

He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. Now both,” I requested.

There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked.

“The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

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Theory of M&M Evolution

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

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Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why did Bissell create the first carpet sweeper? M. R. Bissell had a china shop in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and was allergic to the dusty straw scattered on the floor after unpacking china from crates. So, he invented the first carpet sweeper in 1876 to clean up the mess and protect his sinuses.

~How popular is Coca-Cola around the world? 3.1% of all beverages consumed around the world are Coca-Cola products. Of the 55 billion servings of all kinds of beverages drunk each day (other than water), 1.7 billion are Coca-Cola trademarked/licensed drinks.

~What was Lafayette’s full name? Lafayette was a major general in the United States at the age of 19. Lafayette’s whole name takes up an entire line on a page: Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He who walks in the middle of the road gets hit from both sides. – George P. Schultz

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . It is not whether you win or loose, it’s how you play the game. – Grantland Rice