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Humor for October 3, 2016

If you’re never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. – Julia Sorel

TODAY – OCTOBER 3rd – MONDAY

277th day of 2016 with 89 days to follow. The moon is waxing, with 6 % visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Caramel Custard Day
~ National Soft Taco Day
~ Techies Day
~ Virus Appreciation Day
~ Computer Learning Month
~ National Pasta Month
~ National Sarcastic Awareness Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1790 John Ross, Jumo, Alabama, Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation (1828–1866)
  • 1844 Sir Patrick Manson, Scottish physician, “Father of tropical medicine”
  • 1854 William Crawford Gorgas, Toulminville, Alabama, army physician, Surgeon-General (helped cure yellow fever)
  • 1900 Thomas Wolfe, Asheville, North Carolina, author (Look Homeward Angel, You Can’t Go Home Again)
  • 1916 James Herriot, English veterinarian and author (All Creatures Great & Small)
  • 1924 Harvey Kurtzman, Brooklyn, New York, cartoonist and founding editor of Mad magazine
  • 1925 Gore Vidal, West Point, New York, author (Myra Breckinridge, Julian, Burr, Lincoln)
  • 1935 Charles M. Duke Jr., Charlotte, North Carolina, Brig Gen USAF/astronaut (Apollo 16 – one of only 12 men who have walked on the moon)
  • 1941 Chubby Checker, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer / songwriter (The Twist)
  • 1948 Michael Medved, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, film critic/ radio talk show host/ author
  • 1950 Pamela Hensley, Glendale, California, actress (Princess Ardala / Buck Rogers in the 25th Century)
  • 1951 Kathryn D Sullivan, Paterson, New Jersey, PhD/astronaut (STS 41-G, 28, 31, 45), 1st American woman to walk in space
  • 1959 Jack Wagner, Washington, Missouri, actor and singer (General Hospital, The Bold and the Beautiful, Melrose Place, When Calls the Heart)
  • 1961 Rebecca Stephens, first British woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest
  • 1970 Sara Zarr, Cleveland, Ohio, author and academic (Story of a Girl, Sweethearts, What We Lost, Roomies)
  • 1971 Kevin Richardson, Lexington, Kentucky, singer (Backstreet Boys)
  • 1976 Seann William Scott, Cottage Grove, Minnesota, actor (Final Destination, Road Trip, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Evolution, The Rundown, The Dukes of Hazzard, Role Models, Crash in Ice Age movies)
  • 1996 Adair Tishler, Nashville, Tennessee, actress (An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong)

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Many men can make a fortune but very few can build a family. – J. S. Bryan
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1778 British Captain James Cook anchors in Alaska.
  • 1789 George Washington proclaims the first Thanksgiving Day.
  • 1795 General Napoleon Bonaparte first rises to national prominence being named to defend the French National Convention against armed counter-revolutionary rioters threatening the three year old revolutionary government.
  • 1849 American author Edgar Allan Poe is found delirious in a gutter in Baltimore, Maryland under mysterious circumstances; it is the last time he is seen in public before his death.
  • 1863 The last Thursday in November is declared as Thanksgiving Day by President Abraham Lincoln as are Thursdays, November 30, 1865 and November 29, 1866.
  • 1873 Captain Jack and companions are hanged for their part in the Modoc War.
  • 1951 The “Shot Heard ‘Round the World”, one of the greatest moments in Major League Baseball history, occurs when the New York Giants’ Bobby Thomson hits a game winning home run in the bottom of the ninth inning off of the Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher Ralph Branca, to win the National League pennant after being down 14 games.
  • 1955 The Mickey Mouse Club debuts on ABC.
  • 1955 Captain Kangaroo” premieres, Good Morning, Captain!
  • 1961 The Dick Van Dyke Show premieres on CBS-TV in the United States.
  • 1962 Sigma 7 launched from Cape Canaveral, with Astronaut Wally Schirra aboard for a six-orbit, 9 hours, 15 minute flight.
  • 1964 First Buffalo Wings are made at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York.
  • 1990 The German Democratic Republic ceases to exist, and East German citizens become part of the European Community, which later became the European Union. Now celebrated as German Unity Day.
  • 1995 O. J. Simpson is found not guilty of the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman.
  • 2008 The Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 for the US financial system is signed by President Bush.

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After the basketball game the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to the referee, saying “Here’s your phone.”

“What makes you think it’s mine?” the referee asked.

“It says you missed 13 calls.”

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In the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees’ cafeteria is a constant source of aggravation. I once watched two young surgeons approach the serving line. They read the posted menu and looked over the dishes displayed. As they turned to leave to go out for lunch, one doctor remarked to the other, “No doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass.”

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ONE-LINERS: Top 10 causes of death at the computer . . .

10.) CD’s were used for a game of frisbee and were found to be too sharp for this purpose.

9.) Died of old age while waiting for a webpage to load.

8.) Died of starvation while waiting for online-ordered meal to arrive.

7.) Went mad trying to understand computer manual.

6.) Computer exploded due to overload of spam and junk mail.

5.) Died of poverty after making the mistake of trying to keep their computer up-to-date.

4.) Bought a mega-hyper-gigaforcep-gerpatologicatron and were never seen again.

3.) Attempted to wire up everything in their house and died of severe burns while trying to flush the toilet.

2.) Tried to design a computer mouse that resembled a real mouse (ate cheese, ran around, squeaked and bit) and died in the process of varied causes.

And the number one cause of death at the computer…..

1.) Committed suicide due to frustration of trying to make sense of Windows and IE.

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Three Irishmen left the pub a wee late one night and found themselves on the road to the old graveyard. One of the men said, “Come have a look over here! It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave. God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O’Grady’s!”

“That’s nothing. Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 97 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”

Just then, the third guy yells out, “Forget him, here’s a fella that lived to be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?”

“Miles, from Dublin!”

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pic of the day: Kitten

photo of kitten
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

~This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Four bucks,” says the bartender.
“Put it on my bill.”

~What is the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

~What do you call two people in an ambulance?
A pair of medics.

~A backwards poet writes inverse.

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When I got home from the pub last night my wife said, “I can’t believe how intoxicated you are.”

Denying it I said, “I’m not drunk.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Can you tell the time?”

So I walked up to the clock and said, “I’m not drunk.”

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A woman arrived at her local police department to report the disappearance of her husband.

“Do you have a photograph of him?” the desk sergeant inquired.

“Yes, I do,” the woman replied and handed one over.

The officer took a good look at it and then asked, “If we find him, is there a message you’d like us to give him?”

“Yes. Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves. – Jimmy Fallon
* A man in Washington State was fined this week for trying to drive in a carpool lane with a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump glued to his passenger seat. Cops became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving. – Seth Meyers
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EARLY IN MY TRAINING as a pilot at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I tried to impress an instructor with my knowledge of aerodynamics. He interrupted me with a seasoned pilot’s explanation: “Push forward on the stick, and the houses get bigger. Pull back, and the houses get smaller. Keep pulling back, and the houses get big again.”

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McQuillan walks into a bar and orders martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When all the drinks have been consumed and the jar is filled with olives, the Irishman starts to leave.

“S’cuse me,” says the bartender, “D’ye mind tellin’ me what that’s all about?”

“Not a’tall. Y’see, me wife just sent me out for a jar o’ olives.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: When is a stork like a statue? The shoebill stork, native to Africa, is often compared to a statue. The bird will stand perfectly still for long periods waiting for fish to come to surface in the water.

~What’s the title of Grenada’s national anthem? The national anthem of Grenada, words written by Irva Merle Baptiste and music by Louis Arnold Masanto, was adopted on February 7, 1974. However, Grenada’s anthem has no title.

~Who created the lawn flamingo? The father of the pink flamingo (the plastic lawn ornament) was Don Featherstone of Massachusetts. Featherstone graduated from art school and went to work as a designer for Union Products, a Leominster, Massachusetts company that manufactured flat plastic lawn ornaments. He designed the pink flamingo in 1957 as a follow-up project to his plastic duck. Today, Featherstone is president and part owner of the company that sells an average of 250,000 to 500,000 plastic pink flamingos a year.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.” – Sam Rayburn

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . True love brings up everything – you’re allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily. – Jennifer Aniston, O Magazine, February 2004