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Humor for April 26, 2017

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. – Henry Boye

TODAY – APRIL 26TH – WEDNESDAY

116th day of 2017 with 249 days to follow. New moon with 1% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Administrative Professionals Day (Executive Admin’s Day, Secretary’s Day / date varies)
~ Confederate Memorial Day (States of Florida and Georgia)
~ Hug an Australian Day
~ Hug a Friend Day
~ National Pretzel Day
~ Old Permic Alphabet Day (“highly idiosyncratic adaptation” of Cyrillic script once used to write medieval Komi)
~ Richter Scale Day
~ World Intellectual Property Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1785 John James Audubon, Haiti, French-American naturalist and illustrator (The Birds of  America)
  • 1829 Christian Albert Theodor Billroth, German, surgeon (considered to be the founder of modern abdominal surgery)
  • 1862 Edmund C. Tarbell, Groton, Massachusetts, artist (American Impressionist, member Ten American Painters)
  • 1886 Ma Rainey [Gertrude Pridgett], Columbus, Georgia, singer (“Mother of the Blues”)
  • 1900 Charles Richter, Hamilton, Ohio, geophysicist/ seismologist (Richter scale)
  • 1912 A[lfred] E[lton] Van Vogt, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, science fiction author (Cosmic Encounter, The War Against the Rull, Rogue Ship,Supermind, Children of Tomorrow)
  • 1933 Carol Burnett, San Antonio, Texas, comedian/actress (Carol Burnett Show, Annie, 4 Seasons)
  • 1961 Joan Chen, Chinese-born actress (The Last Emperor, Twin Peaks, Saving Face, Marco Polo, Cairo Declaration)
  • 1963 Jet Li, China, martial artist/actor actor (Shaolin Temple, Dragon Fight, Hero, The Mummy 3, Lethal Weapon 4, The Forbidden Kingdom, The Expendables) 
  • 1980 Channing Tatum, Cullman, Alabama, actor (She’s the Man, Fighting, Public Enemies, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Dear John, The Hateful Eight)
  • 1980 Marnette Patterson, Los Angeles, California, actress, (LG15: The Resistance; Wild Things, Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, American Sniper)

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Don’t wait for people to be friendly, show them how. – Author Unknown
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1607 English colonists of the Jamestown settlement make landfall at Cape Henry, Virginia.
  • 1819 Odd Fellows Lodge is established.
  • 1865 Confederate General Joseph E. Johnston surrenders his army to General William Tecumseh Sherman at the Bennett Place near Durham, NC.
  • 1921 First U.S. broadcast of the weather was made from St. Louis, Missouri, over station WEW for the federal government.
  • 1941 First organ at a baseball stadium (Chicago Cubs).
  • 1958 Final run of the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad’s Royal Blue from Washington, D.C., to New York City after 68 years.
  • 1962 NASA’s Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon.
  • 1986 Worst nuclear disaster, 4th reactor at Chernobyl USSR explodes.
  • 1994 Physicists announce first evidence of the top quark subatomic particle.

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The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, “Push back on the pedals and the bike will brake!”

He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.

“Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?” I asked as I helped him up.

“You said if I did, the bike would break.”

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At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband’s sports jackets.
Soon after, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to an FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a ‘bug’ planted by the conspiracy defendants.
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
“We’re not sure where the disc came from,” the FBI told him, “but we have determined that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.'”

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ONE-LINERS: The 10 Best Caddy Replies . . .

# 10 — Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

# 9 — Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

# 8 — Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

# 7 — Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

# 6 — Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

# 5 — Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of A distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

# 4 — Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

# 3 — Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

# 2 — Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

# 1 — Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

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The rental agent was showing an apartment, asking the usual questions;

“Professionally employed?”

“We’re a military family.”

“Children?”

“Two, ages nine and twelve.”

“Animals?”

“Oh, no, they’re very well behaved.”

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pic of the day: Line of Lambs


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A school decided to produce a play wherein the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies. The teacher who had written the play chose her cast and awarded the roles to those who would play the Sun, planets, stars and galaxies.

Shirley was unhappy with her part as an asteroid. She protested, “I want the part of the Dog Star, because it’s one of the sky’s brightest stars.”

The teacher responded, “Shirley, you can’t be Sirius!”

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Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices a group of great white sharks circling a woman who had drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm. “Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!”

“Don’t worry. That’s my mother-in-law.”

“Are you trying to kill her?”

“Well, the idea might be tempting, but that’s not how things work. Just watch.”

With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her in shallow water.

“What in the world gave you the notion that would happen?!?” asked the first lifeguard.

“Professional courtesy.”

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Lawyer to airhead witness: “You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32 PM. How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?”

“No, I looked at the sundial in the garden.”

“That’s absurd. How could you tell time by a sundial at 11:32 at night?”

“I had a flashlight.”

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Tech Support and Customer

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click.'”
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I arrived home exhausted both physically and (apparently) mentally. I noticed that our car was not in the driveway. As I pulled up, my ten-year-old ran out to greet me.

Annoyed that the children had been left alone, I asked, “Where’s your father?”

“In the house.”

My voice rising in panic, I screeched, “Well where’s the car?!?”

Looking a bit confused, my son calmly observed, “You’re sitting in it.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What color is mother-of-pearl? Mother-of-pearl is not always white. It can be pink, blue, purple, gray, or even green. Nor is it produced only by the pearl oyster. The abalone and the pearl mussel both have shells that are lined with fine-quality mother-of-pearl.

~How many sweat glands does a human have? There are about 2 million sweat glands in the average human body. The average adult loses 540 calories with every liter of sweat. Men sweat about 40% more than women.

~Are venetian blinds actually venetian? Sort of — In 1769 the British designer Edward Beran enclosed wooden slats in a frame to adjust the amount of light let into a room. These became known as venetian blinds from their early use over Italianate windows.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet. – Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .  Perhaps too much of everything is as bad as too little. – Edna Ferber