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Humor for July 27, 2017

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – JULY 27th – THURSDAY

208th day of 2017 with 157 days to follow. Moon waxing with 21% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Cross-Atlantic Communication Day
~ National Creme Brûlée Day
~ National Scotch Day
~ Take Your Pants for a Walk Day
~ National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1733 Jeremiah Dixon, English surveyor and astronomer (surveyed Mason-Dixon Line)
  • 1882 Sir Geoffrey De Havilland, English aircraft designer, manufacturer, and pioneer in long-distance jet flying
  • 1931 Jerry Van Dyke, Danville, Illinois, actor (My Mother the Car, Coach)
  • 1948 Betty Thomas, St. Louis, Missouri, actor and film director (Tunnel Vision, Chesty Anderson, Used Cars, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Hill Street Blues)
  • 1948 Peggy Fleming, San Jose, California, figure skater (won an Olympic gold medal in 1968)
  • 1957 Bill Engvall, Galveston, Texas, comedian (Blue Collar Comedy, Bill Engvall Show)
  • 1977 Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Irish actor (Elvis, The Tudors, Matchpoint, Dracula, Roots, Vikings)
  • 1984 Taylor Schilling, Boston, Massachusetts, actress (Mercy, Lucky One, Orange is the New Black, The Overnight)
  • 1989 Charlotte Arnold, Toronto, Canada, actress (Degrassi: The Next Generation, Sadie Hawthorne in the Canadian TV series Naturally, Sadie; Patriot)

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When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live. – Samuel Johnson
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1866 The Atlantic Cable is successfully completed, allowing transatlantic telegraph communication for the first time.
  • 1888  First electric automobile, designed by Philip W. Pratt, demonstrated in Boston, a tricycle powered by six Electrical Accumulator Company cells, weighing 90 pounds.
  • 1921 Researchers at the University of Toronto led by biochemist Frederick Banting announce the discovery of the hormone insulin.
  • 1940 Bugs Bunny makes his official debut in the animated cartoon A Wild Hare.
  • 1949 Initial flight of the de Havilland Comet, the first jet-powered airliner.
  • 1953 Armistice signed ending Korean War.
  • 1974 Watergate Scandal: The House of Representatives Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the first article of impeachment against President Richard Nixon: obstruction of justice.
  • 1988 Radio Shack announces the Tandy 1000 SL computer.
  • 1991 TV Guide publishes it’s 2000th edition.
  • 1995 Korean War Veterans Memorial dedicated in Washington, D.C.
  • 1996 Pipe bomb explodes at Centennial Olympic Park in Atlanta, GA, during the 1996 Summer Olympics, killing one and injuring 111.
  • 2005 STS-114: NASA grounds the Space shuttle, pending an investigation of the external tank’s continued foam-shedding problem.

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The young lady looked calmly at her beau one evening and remarked, “George, as it is leap year …”

The young man turned pale.

“As it is leap year,” she continued, “and you’ve been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose …”

“Grace, I’m not in a position to marry on my salary,” George interrupted hurriedly.

“I know that, George,” the girl pursued, “and so, as it is leap year, I thought I’d propose that you back off and give some of the more eligible fellows a chance.”

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An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward and continued, “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

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ONE-LINERS: Top Ten Gender Differences

1) Nicknames: If Claire, Louise and Hannah go out for lunch, they will call each other Claire, Louise and Hannah.
If Russell, John and Trevor go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Jackson, Parrot-face and TC [Top Cat from the 1970’s television cartoon series].

2) Eating out: When the bill arrives, Russell, John and Trevor will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3) Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Tesco.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. [A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.]

4) Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

5) Cats: Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

6) Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7) Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

8) Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

9) Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the ‘phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

10) Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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It’s so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

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pic of the day: White Lamb Resting


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make “Flies on a Log” which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana’s mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

“Oh,” said Diana’s father. “I had that stuff for breakfast.”

Diana’s faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

“Gee,” said Diana’s teacher, “that’s a first — ‘My dad ate my homework.'”

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Stupid Lawyer Questions
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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A mom was playing “tooth fairy” — putting money under her little daughter’s pillow — when the child awoke and caught her in the act.

The mom froze, wondering how to explain to her tot that she was, in fact, the fairy; but she was spared the trouble.

“You put that money back!” her daughter said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”

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** Funny Employee Evaluations **
1. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargles
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.
5. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who is the German new year’s eve named after? The day before January 1 is called Silvester in Germany. The holiday is named after pope Silvester I, who died 335 A.D. Typically, Germans will meet somewhere or gather together in their houses on Silvester, waiting until midnight to celebrate the new year.

~How moist is Mars? The atmosphere of Mars is relatively moist. However, because the atmosphere is thin, the total amount of water in the atmosphere is minimal. If all the water in the atmosphere of Mars was collected, it would likely only fill a small pond.

~Does the Green Man have a wife, or any pets? Leafy face architectural ornamentations are almost always male: green women are rare. However, green cats, lions and demons are also found. On gravestones and other memorials, human skulls are sometimes shown sprouting grape vines or other vegetation, presumably as a symbol of resurrection.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . There is no failure except in no longer trying.” – Elbert Hubbard