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Humor for September 28, 2017

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? – Albert Camus

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 28th – THURSDAY

2721st day of 2017 with 94 days to follow. First quarter of moon with 54% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Ask a Stupid Question Day
~ Freedom from Hunger Day
~ International Right to Know Day
~ National Drink a Beer Day
~ National Good Neighbor Day
~ National Strawberry Cream Pie Day
~ World Rabies Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 551 BC Confucius, Chinese philosopher
  • 1725 Arthur Guinness, Irish brewer (founded Guinness)
  • 1856 Kate Douglas Wiggin, Philadelphia, children’s author (Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms, Story of Patsy)
  • 1901 Ed Sullivan, NYC, New York, television host (The Ed Sullivan Show for 23 years)
  • 1909 Al Capp, New Haven, Connecticut, cartoonist (Li’l Abner)
  • 1923 William Windom, NYC, New York, actor (Farmer’s Daughter, My World & Welcome to It, Dr. Seth Hazlitt / Murder She Wrote)
  • 1925 Seymour Cray, Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, computer scientist (the father of supercomputing, Cray I computer)
  • 1926 Jerry Clower, Liberty Mississippi, country comedian (Nashville on Road)
  • 1946 Herbert Jefferson Jr, Sandersville, Georgia, actor (Boomer / Original Battlestar Galactica, Apollo 13, Outbreak)
  • 1964 Janeane Garofalo, Newton, New Jersey, actress and comedian (Ben Stiller Show, Felicity, The West Wing, 24, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, Ideal, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce, The American Side)
  • 1987 Hilary Duff, Houston, Texas, actress (Lizzie McGuire, Cheaper by the Dozen, Younger)

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Anyone who doesn’t believe in miracles is not a realist. – David Ben-Gurion
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 490 B.C. Greeks defeated the Persians at Marathon. A Greek soldier named Philippides ran more than 26 miles to tell Athenians of the victory and died after his announcement. His feat provided the model for the modern marathon race.
  • 1542 Navigator João Rodrigues Cabrilho of Portugal arrives at what is now San Diego, California, United States.
  • 1779 American Revolution: Samuel Huntington is elected President of the Continental Congress, succeeding John Jay.
  • 1787 The newly completed United States Constitution is voted on by the U.S. Congress to be sent to the state legislatures for approval.
  • 1928 Sir Alexander Fleming notices a bacteria-killing mold growing in his laboratory, discovering what later became known as penicillin.
  • 1961 A military coup in Damascus effectively ends the United Arab Republic, the union between Egypt and Syria.
  • 1973 The ITT Building in New York City is bombed in protest at ITT’s alleged involvement in the September 11 1973 coup d’état in Chile.
  • 1982 First reports appeared of deaths in the Chicago area from Extra-strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide. (Seven people died and the unsolved case resulted in tamper-proof packaging for consumer products.)
  • 2008 SpaceX launches the first private spacecraft, the Falcon 1 into orbit.

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I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the email that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don’t care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am;
I’m the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job — I’ll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.

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The scene is a hospital Emergency Room. A man in golf attire is lying on a gurney with a golf ball driven down his throat. Another man in golf attire is pacing anxiously. A nurse asks the pacing man, “Is he a relative of yours?”

“No, that’s my ball!”

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ONE-LINERS: Confucius says …
… war doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
… a man who keeps both feet on ground has trouble putting on pants.
… if you want to date a pretty nurse, you have to be patient.
… a man who runs before a bus gets tired.
… a man who runs behind a bus get exhausted.
… a man who stands on a toilet is high on pot.
… a man who eat crackers in bed wakes up feeling crummy.
… men who sleep on a bed of nails are holy.
… people who live in glass houses, should change in the basement.
… a man who shoots off his mouth must expect to lose face.
… a man with a big mouth must beware of foot.
… he who leaps off a cliff jumps to conclusion.
… a house without a bathroom is uncanny.
… a cow with no legs is ground beef.
… two wrongs don’t make a right, but two rights make a U-turn.
… those who drive like hell are bound to get there.
… support bacteria — it’s only culture some people have.
… he who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.
… a man who falls into a vat of molten glass makes a spectacle of himself.
… he who jumps through a screen door, strains himself.
… a man who pushes a piano down a mine shaft is likely to get A flat miner.
… he who puts face in punchbowl gets punch in the nose.
… he who sits on a tack gets the point.
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A man came into a lot of money. He called a family conference and told his three sons that he would buy each of them whatever they would like to have. Money was no object.

The first son said, “I’ve always wanted a Jaguar.” The father bought him seven Jaguars in different colors, so he’d have one for every day of the week.

The second son always wanted a motorcycle. The father bought thirty new motorcycles: ten dirt bikes, ten Harleys and ten touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride each day of the month.

The third and youngest son was only eight years old. The little guy said simply, “I want a Mickey Mouse outfit.” So the and bought his son the New York Jets.

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pic of the day: Lizard in a Gourd Birdhouse

lizard picture
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

What’s the nearest thing to silver?
The Lone Ranger’s bottom!

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
I bet you were mad.
Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

What sort of animal is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem!

What does “Minimum” mean?
A very small mother!

What is an archaeologist?
Someone who’s career is in ruins!

What is hail?
Hard boiled rain!

Why are astronauts successful people?
Because they always go up in the world!

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A reporter was sent to cover the bishop’s visit. Before his speech, the bishop pulled the reporter aside and asked, “When you do your article, please don’t mention the anecdotes I use. I want to include them in other speeches I’m giving in the area.”

Thus it came to pass that the reporter wrote, “The bishop told several stories that can’t be repeated here.”

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A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money. He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.

On his deathbed he said to his wife, “Promise me that you’ll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!”

His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.

So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.

The wife’s friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, “Tell me you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!”

The wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?”

“I sure did,” said the dutiful wife. “I wrote him a check for the full amount.”

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When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. “Is that your grandmother?” I asked.

“Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.”

“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”

“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her.”

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Test Question: “Name the four major directions.”

Student’s answer: “1. Listen carefully; 2. Write neatly; 3. Sit up straight; 4. Raise your hand.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Can a fire produce no smoke? A perfectly clean fire produces almost no smoke. Smoke simply means that a fire is not burning properly and that bits of unburned material are escaping.

~When did we first see “red letter days?” According to legend, the phrase “a red letter day” dates back to 1704, when holy days were marked in red letters in church calendars.

~Why don’t the Amish use electricity? The Amish don’t believe electricity is evil in itself. But they do believe that easy access to electricity can lead to many temptations and the eventual deterioration of church and family life. The Bible tells the Amish that they are not to be “conformed to the world.” (Romans 12:2) The Amish community believes that linking with electrical wires would violate this command and connect them to the world.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. – Denis Waitley