Tag Archives: Maremma sheepdog picture

Humor for March 16, 2017

Better be despised for too anxious apprehensions, than ruined by too confident security. – Edmund Burke

TODAY – MARCH 16th – THURSDAY

75th day of 2017 with 290 days to follow. Moon waning with 86% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Everything You Do is Right Day
~ Incredible Kid Day (third Thursday in March)
~ National Artichoke Hearts Day
~ National Goddard Day (first successfully launched liquid-fueled rocket)
~ Freedom of Information Day (on James Madison’s birthday, who is widely regarded as the Father of the Constitution and as the foremost advocate for openness in government)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1751 James Madison, Port Conway, Virginia, (D-R), 4th US President (1809-17)
  • 1906 Henny Youngman, England, comedian (Take my wife please)
  • 1926 Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch], Newark, New Jersey, entertainer/fund raiser (MDA)
  • 1932 Ronnie Walter Cunningham, Creston, Iowa, Colonel USMC/astronaut (Apollo 7)
  • 1942 Chuck Woolery, Ashland, Kentucky, TV game show host (Love Connection, original Wheel of Fortune)
  • 1948 Margaret [Edith] Weis, Independence, Missouri, sci-fi author (Dragonlance series, Dragons of Spring Dawning; Darksword, The Deathgate Cycle)
  • 1949 Erik Estrada, New York, New York, police officer & actor (CHiPs, Adult Swim, Sealab 2021)
  • 1953 Richard Stallman, New York, New York, free software activist and computer programmer (GNU Project, Free Software Foundation)
  • 1971 Alan Tudyk, El Paso, Texas, actor (Firefly, I Robot, Serenity, 3:10 to Yuma, Transformers Dark of the Moon, Wreck-It Ralph, Ice Age movies, Frozen, Suburgatory, Con Man, Powerless)
  • 1978 Brooke Burns, Dallas, Texas, actress (Out of the Blue, Baywatch, Dog Eat Dog, North Shore, Pepper Dennis, Hole in the Wall, The Chase, Motor City Masters, The Gourmet Detective)
  • 1986 Alexandra Daddario, New York City, New York, actress and model (Percy Jackson series, San Andreas, Baked in Brooklyn)

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Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. – Jonathan Kozol

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1802 Army Corps of Engineers is established.
  • 1912 Lawrence Oates, an ill member of Scott’s South Pole expedition, in an effort to save the others leaves the tent to face certain death in blizzard conditions saying, “I am just going outside and may be some time.”
  • 1926 Robert Goddard launches the first liquid-fueled rocket, at Auburn, Massachusetts.
  • 1942 The first V-2 rocket test launch. It explodes at lift-off.
  • 1945 During World War II, The Battle of Iwo Jima ends but small pockets of Japanese resistance persisted.
  • 1958 The Ford Motor Company produces its 50 millionth automobile, the Thunderbird, averaging almost a million cars a year since the company’s founding.
  • 1966 Launch of Gemini 8, the 12th manned American space flight and first space docking with the Agena Target Vehicle.
  • 1978 Supertanker Amoco Cadiz splits in two after running aground on the Portsall Rocks, three miles off the coast of Brittany, resulting in the 5th-largest oil spill in history.
  • 1984 William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, Lebanon, is kidnapped by Islamic fundamentalists and later dies in captivity.
  • 1985 Associated Press newsman Terry Anderson is taken hostage in Beirut. He is released on December 4, 1991.

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Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s really unattractive?” says Mike. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

“Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

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An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work.

“What about your bus line?” the interviewer asked her.

“I don’t believe I mentioned it,” came the pleased reply, “but it’s a 36C.”

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ONE-LINERS:

~A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

~If a thing is worth doing wouldn’t it have been done already?

~If we weren’t meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

~Ham and Eggs. Just a day’s work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

~If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

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While driving with my daughter and her husband, I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.

“That’s weird,” I said, pointing to it. “Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?”

“Call me crazy,” said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, “but I believe that reads ‘FUN-GAL.'”

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pic of the day: Maremma Sheepdog Keeping Watch


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

My aunt’s beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him – and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it.

So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery.

The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again.

But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse.

The other problem was the invoices from the vet – these pills were costing a fortune.

It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.

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A burglar broke into the home of a good Quaker gentleman.

From upstairs, the Quaker heard the noises below and realized there was an intruder.

He took his hunting rifle to the top of the stairs and announced: “Friend, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot.”

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Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy’s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, “I’ve done it! I made it balance!”

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. “Let’s see… mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?”

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!”

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An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I’ve lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! — This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: “I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back! That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back,” and handed him a $10 bill.
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who was the first woman to be awarded a Congressional Medal? Milly Francis, the “Oklahoma Pocahontas,” was recognized by Congress for saving the life of Captain Duncan McKrimmon of the Georgia militia. Milly, part Creek Indian, was living in Florida (which was not yet part of the US). She persuaded a group of Seminole Indians who had captured McKrimmon to release him. Later, McKrimmon proposed marriage to her, but she turned him down. Years after that, when she was living in poverty, her story was reported to Congress, which promised her a medal and a pension. Alas, the help was too late. By the time her funds were sent to her, she was dying of tuberculosis.

~ Did monks keep beer alive? In many ways if it weren’t for Catholic monks the world of beer would be a very different place. Monasteries were largely responsible for brewing innovations and keeping their local areas supplied with beer during the Middle Ages.

~ Which U.S. documents were good as gold? During World War II, the original copies of the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence were taken from the Library of Congress and kept at Fort Knox, Kentucky.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great. – Niccolo Machiavelli