Tag Archives: morning glory flowers

Humor for September 21, 2016

The greatest happiness is to transform one’s feelings into action. – Madame de Stael

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 21st – WEDNESDAY

265th day of 2016 with 101 to follow. Moon is waning with 72% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Day of Peace
~ Miniature Golf Day
~ National Pecan Cookie Day
~ World Gratitude Day
~ National Blueberry Popsicle Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1756 John Loudon McAdam, Scottish engineer (created macadam road surface (asphalt))
  • 1853 Heike Kamerlingh Onnes, Dutch physicist (discovery of superconductivity)
  • 1866 H(erbert) G(eorge) Wells, England, author – “Father of Science Fiction” (War of the Worlds, The Time Machine, The Invisible Man, The Island of Dr. Moreau)
  • 1912 Chuck Jones, Spokane, Washington, animator (Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies, Bugs Bunny – Daffy Duck)
  • 1926 Donald A. Glaser, Cleveland, Ohio, physicist (Invention of bubble chamber)
  • 1931 Larry Hagman, Fort Worth, Texas, actor (I Dream of Jeannie, JR in Dallas)
  • 1947 Don Felder, Gainesville, Florida, guitarist (Eagles 1974 to 2001)
  • 1947 Stephen King, Portland, Maine, author (Carrie, The Shining, Kujo, The Dark Tower series, Mr. Mercedes)
  • 1950 Bill Murray, Evanston, Illinois, comedian & actor (SNL, What About Bob, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Olive Kitterage. The Jungle Book 2016)
  • 1955 Richard Hieb, Jamestown, North Dakota, former NASA astronaut (veteran of three space shuttle missions; STS-39, STS-49, STS-65)
  • 1961 Nancy Travis, New York City, New York, actress (Greedy, Internal Affairs, Three Men and a Baby, Last Man Standing)
  • 1962 Rob Morrow, New Rochelle, New York, actor (Numb3rs, Texas Rising, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story, Billions)
  • 1967 Faith Hill, Ridgeland, Mississippi, country singer (married to Tim McGraw)
  • 1990 Christian Serratos, Pasadena, California, actress, model and singer (Angela Weber in Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse, The Walking Dead)
  • 1990 Allison Scagliotti, Monterey, California, actress (Drake & Josh, Warehouse 13, Stitchers, The Vampire Diaries)

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Life is difficult and complicated and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes. J.K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement Address, 2008
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1780 Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point.
  • 1897 NY Sun runs famous “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus,” editorial.
  • 1937 “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien is published.
  • 1957 “Perry Mason” with Raymond Burr premiers on CBS-TV.
  • 1970 “Monday Night Football” on ABC premiers (Browns beat Jets 31-21).
  • 1972 Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos signs Proclamation No. 1081 placing the entire country under martial law.
  • 2003 Galileo mission is terminated by sending the probe into Jupiter’s atmosphere, where it is crushed by the pressure at the lower altitudes.
  • 2008 Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, the two last remaining independent investment banks on Wall Street, become bank holding companies as a result of the subprime mortgage crisis.
  • 2011 United States military ends its “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time.

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GOLDEN OLDIE… A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, but said to herself, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes an old, beat-up motor motorcycle pulled up with a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “This is what You sent to help me?” But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his bike and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her, please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you SO much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday – for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!”

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A couple took a puddle-jumping flight with 4 stops on the way to Dallas. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane’s wing.

Wife: “What’s that truck doing?”

Husband: “We’re taking on more fuel.”

The refueling process was repeated at the next two stops as well. At the last stop before Dallas:

Husband: “Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we’re making pretty good time.”

Wife (pointing out the window): “Maybe — but that li’l white truck is keeping up with us!”

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ONE-LINERS:Bad Travel Agent Warning Signs

~Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo”

~There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

~Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

~Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

~In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

~Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is “Die American Pig”

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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?”

The student replied, “BIG ones.”

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pic of the day: Morning Glory Flower and Bee

pic morning glory flower
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.

‘Is this yours?’ he shouted up.

She said, ‘Yes, that’s my eye! I’m so sorry! Could you please bring it up?’ The man agreed and went up.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, ‘I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?’

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, ‘I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?’

The man hesitated then said, ‘Do you act like this with every man you meet?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘Only those who catch my eye!’

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A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”

“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.

“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”

“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

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When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law. – Conan O’Brien
* America, you have got to buck up. Look, I understand India, China (being at the top of countries with the most depressed people) — they are overpopulated and they are polluted. But America, you guys are like, “Ew, there’s no Wi-Fi at this restaurant. How am I supposed to Snapchat my sliders? I’m sad now. – James Corden
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The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, “Push back on the pedals and the bike will brake!”

He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.

“Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?” I asked as I helped him up.

“You said if I did, the bike would break.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why do we ‘X’ out kisses? ‘X’ became symbolic for a kiss because in the middle ages when a lot of people were illiterate and they used to sign documents with an X and then kiss it for sincerity.

~How many kisses did Don Juan plant? The story of Don Juan has been told over 35 times in the movies. The 1926 version, starring John Barrymore holds a place in movie history, as Don Juan (Barrymore) plants 191 kisses on various females during the course of the film, an average of one every 53 seconds.

~How are ants like people? Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: She was what we used to call a suicide blonde – dyed by her own hand – Saul Bellow

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. – Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama