Tag Archives: parrot

Humor for August 31, 2017

We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us – Joseph Campbell.

TODAY – AUGUST 31st – THURSDAY

243rd day of 2017 with 122 days to follow. Moon waxing with 70% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Eat Outside Day
~ National Trail Mix Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1903 Arthur Godfrey, New York City, New York, television host (Candid Camera, Tonight Show guest host 1963-1966)
  • 1924 Buddy (Leonard) Hackett, Brooklyn, NY, actor / comedian (God’s Little Acre, Music Man, The Little Mermaid)
  • 1928 James Coburn, Laurel, Nebraska, actor (The Magnificent Seven, Klondike, Acapulco, The Great Escape, One Man Flint, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Eraser, Monsters Inc)
  • 1945 Itzhak Perlman, Tel Aviv Israel, violinist/ polio victim
  • 1949 Richard Gere, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (Pretty Woman, First Knight, Primal Fear, The Mothman Prophecies, Hachi: A Dog’s Tale, Oppenheimer Strategies, The Benefactor)
  • 1962 Dee Bradley Baker, Indiana, voice actor (Legends of the Hidden Temple, SpongeBob SquarePants, Avatar: The Last Airbender, American Dad!, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Adventure Time, Tangled: The Series)
  • 1972 Chris Tucker, Atlanta, Georgia, actor and comedian (African American Lives, The 5th Element, Rush Hour, Silver Linings Playbook)
  • 1975 Sara Ramírez, Mazatlán, Sinaloa, Mexican–American actress (Lady of the Lake/Spamalot, Greys Anatomy, Sofia the First)
  • 1986 Ryan Kelley, Glen Ellyn, Illinois, actor (Mean Creek, Prayers for Bobby, Ben 10: Alien Swarm, Teen Wolf, War Pigs)

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Change is inevitable. Progress is optional – Tony Robbins.
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1803 Lewis and Clark start their expedition to the west by leaving Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania at 11 o clock in the morning.
  • 1864 During the American Civil War, Union forces led by General William T. Sherman launch an assault on Atlanta, Georgia.
  • 1888 Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. She is the first of Jack the Ripper’s known victims.
  • 1897 Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, the first movie projector.
  • 1965 The Aero Spacelines Super Guppy aircraft makes its first flight.
  • 1993 HMS Mercury closes after 52 years in commission.
  • 1997 Diana, Princess of Wales, her companion Dodi Al-Fayed, and driver Henri Paul die in a car crash in Paris.
  • 1999 A LAPA Boeing 737-200 crashes during takeoff from Jorge Newbury Airport in Buenos Aires, killing 65, including 2 on the ground.
  • 2006 Stolen on August 22, 2004, Edvard Munch’s famous painting The Scream is recovered in a raid by Norwegian police.

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“Daddy, I want to be a cupcake.”

“Why do you want to be a cupcake?”

“I want to join the other girls and go to camp.”

“Honey, you don’t want to be a cupcake. You want to be a Brownie.”

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Q: What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A: “My wife says…”

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

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ONE-LINERS:

~ A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

~”Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop” with your right.

~A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

~In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

~If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

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So the guy goes in to his barber. He’s all excited, and says, “I’m going to go to Rome. I’m flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I’m going to see the Pope!”

The barber says, “Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you’ll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people.”

So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, “How was it?”

“Great,” he says. “Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!”

“You met the Pope?” asked the barber.

“I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where did you get that crummy haircut?'”

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pic of the day: Bibliophile Bird – “I have a taste for a new book!”


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A nautical mile per hour walks into a bar. The bartender immediately throws him out, saying “We don’t serve units of measurement in this joint.”

This greatly upsets the nautical mile per hour and he starts treatment with a psychiatrist. Years later, his problems cured, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say … aren’t you a nautical mile per hour?”

He answers, “I’m a Freud knot.”

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This old rancher in Montana hates wearing a seat belt, but one day he’s driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him.

He says to his wife, “Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!”

So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and says, “Say, I noticed you weren’t wearing your seat belt.”

The rancher says, “I was too, but you don’t have to take my word for it– my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her; she’ll tell you the truth. She doesn’t lie about anything.”

The cop says to the wife, “So? How about it, ma’am?”

And the wife says: “I’ve been married to Buck for twenty years, officer, and one thing I’ve learned in all that time is this – you never argue with him when he’s drunk.”

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Sam and George owned a store in the outskirts of San Francisco. It had been burglarized several times in the past year and Sam decided to buy a guard dog.

Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the dogs he could see were Pekingese.

“Excuse me”, Sam said to the manager, “But the sign outside says you sell guard dogs. Where are they?”

The manager, an elderly Chinese, replied, “Oh, but these are highly trained guard dogs. They all know karate.”

“Karate! No way.”

“I’ll show you”, said the shop owner. He took one of the Pekingese out to the backyard and put it in front of a brick. The dog stood absolutely still. The shopkeeper gave a command, “Karate! Brick!”

And with complete astonishment, Sam saw the little dog perform a perfect karate chop, splitting the brick in half. Totally amazed, he bought the dog. Back at his own store, he showed the guard dog Pekingese to George, who thought he was completely mad and told him to return the Pekingese immediately.

“But, he is a trained guard dog.”

“Yeah, sure!”

Sam put the Pekingese on the floor and said, “He knows karate!!”

With a sneer George retorted, “Karate! My Foot!”

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In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”

“Why is that?” Asked the professor.

“For one thing,” the student pointed out, “She’d be way too old!”

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His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn’t see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

“Ma, what do you think of the bird?”

“The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer.”

“You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!”

“Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn’t it say something when I put it in the oven?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What was Calvin’s last name? Suzie Derkins is the only character in Bill Watterson’s comic strip, “Calvin and Hobbes,” to have a first and last name. Calvin’s parents have no names at all.

~Can your brain hurt? The human brain is insensitive to pain. The suffering of a headache come not from the organ itself but from the nerve and muscles lining it.

~How many eyes does a bee have? A bee has five eyes, two large compound eyes on either side of its head, and three ocelli (primitive eyes) on top of its head to detect light intensity.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. – Samuel Johnson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Do or Do Not. There is no Try – Yoda.