Tag Archives: peacock picture

Humor for June 12, 2017

When a man has put a limit on what he will do, he has put a limit on what he can do. – Charles M. Schwab

TODAY – JUNE 12th – MONDAY

163rd day of 2017 with 202 days to follow. Moon is waning with 93% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Cachaça Day (Brazil’s most famous liquor)
~ International Falafel Day
~ Loving Day
~ National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
~ Red Rose Day
~ World Day Against Child Labour
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1899 Fritz Albert Lipmann, Königsberg, Germany, American biochemist (Nobel / co-discoverer in 1945 of coenzyme A)
  • 1924 George H. W. Bush, Milton, Massachusetts, politician, 11th Director of Central Intelligence, 40th Vice President of the United States and 41st President of the United States
  • 1929 Anne Frank, German-born Dutch Jewish diarist and Holocaust victim
  • 1930 Jim Nabors, Sylacauga, Alabama, actor / singer (Gomer Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show, Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C.)
  • 1949 Roger Aaron Brown, Washington, D.C., actor (The District, Star Trek Motion Picture, Cobra, RoboCop 2)
  • 1953 David Thornton, Cheraw, South Carolina, actor (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, The Notebook, Alpha Dog, Zenith, Trophy Kids, Transfer at Aachen)
  • 1953 Tess Gerritsen, San Diego, California, physician and author (Keeper of the Bride, The Bone Garden, Girl Missing, Last to Die, Die Again)
  • 1963 Tim DeKay, Ithaca, New York, actor (The Ring, Party of Five, Carnivale, Tell Me You Love Me, White Collar)
  • 1964 Paula Marshall, Rockville, Maryland, actress (Wild Oats, Chicago Sons, Cupid, Snoops, Hidden Hills, Out of Practice, Nip/Tuck, Californication, Gary Unmarried, Murder in the First)
  • 1970 Rick Hoffman, New York City, New York, actor (Jake in Progress, Suits, Hostel, Samantha Who?, Suits)
  • 1974 Jason Mewes, Highlands, New Jersey, actor (Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob, Todd and the Book of Pure Evil, Vigilante Diaries)

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You can get anywhere if you simply go one step at a time. – Dave Ramsey
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1939 The Baseball Hall of Fame opens in Cooperstown, New York.
  • 1942 Holocaust: Anne Frank receives a diary for her thirteenth birthday.
  • 1967 The United States Supreme Court in Loving v. Virginia declares all U.S. state laws which prohibit interracial marriage to be unconstitutional.
  • 1967 Venera 4 is launched (it will become the first space probe to enter another planet’s atmosphere and successfully return data).
  • 1978 David Berkowitz, the “Son of Sam” killer in New York City, is sentenced to 365 years in prison for six killings.
  • 1994 Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman are murdered outside her home in Los Angeles, California. O.J. Simpson is later acquitted of the killings, but is held liable in wrongful death civil suit.
  • 1994 The Boeing 777, the world’s largest twinjet, makes its first flight.

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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor’s desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. “What a ridiculous test!” he told the prof. “How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I’ve ever seen!”

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, “Wait a minute, young man, what’s your name?”

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, “You tell me, prof! You tell me!”

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One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

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ONE-LINERS: You know you’re a cat person when …

…you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litterbox.”

… you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.

… you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.

… when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark you apologize.

… you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.

… you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!

… you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.

… you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.

… you decorate your Christmas tree with dangling cat toys.

… your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”

… in your wallet you have more pictures of cats than kids.

… you refer to your cat as your “furry child.”

… your parents tell friends about their four-footed, furry “grandchild.”

… you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.

… you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name.
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I answered my front door and found two little boys holding a list. “We’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”
“Wow! Whoever gave you such a challenging hunt?”
“Our babysitter’s boyfriend.”
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pic of the day: Peacock struts his stuff. . .

peacock
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he’s on a beach. The sand is purple. He can’t believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He’s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.

“Oh no!” he says. “I think I’ve been marooned!”

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Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!” This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun.

He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants do it.

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Bull Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

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A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said, “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.

The Texan said, “Nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How quickly can a frigate fly? The frigate bird can fly at a speed of 260 miles per hour.

~Where is “Stonewall” Jackson buried? Civil War General Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson has two separate burial sites. His left arm, which was amputated after the battle of Chancellorsville, was buried on a nearby farm. A week later, Jackson died and was buried in Lexington, Virginia.

~How small are baby opossum? When baby opossum are born, they are so small that an entire litter can fit in a tablespoon. They live inside their mother’s pouch for three months before climbing out and riding on her back.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Sign at animal park: Please be safe. Do not set, stand, climb, or lean on fence. If you fall, animals may eat you and that might make them sick.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Life has got to be lived — that’s all there is to it. – Eleanor Roosevelt