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Humor for January 30, 2017

Self-trust is the first secret of success.  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – JANUARY 30th – MONDAY

30th day of 2017 with 335 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 7% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (last Monday in January)
~ National Croissant Day
~ National Inane Answering Message Day
~ Season for Nonviolence, January 30-April 4
~ Fred Korematsu Day (California, commemorates the birthday of Fred Korematsu, a Japanese-American civil rights activist)
~ 32nd National Cowboy Poetry Gathering, January 30 – February 4
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1882 Franklin D. Roosevelt, Hyde Park, New York, politician, 44th Governor of New York, 32nd President of the United States (New Deal, “Infamy” speech)
  • 1914 David Wayne, Traverse City, Michigan, actor (Adam’s Rib, M, The Tender Trap, The Andromeda Strain, Ellery Queen)
  • 1922 Dick Martin, Battle Creek, Michigan, comedian (Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
  • 1924 Lloyd Alexander, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, author (The Chronicles of Prydain, Westmark triology)
  • 1930 Gene Hackman, San Bernardino, California, actor (The French Connection, Superman, Unforgiven, Enemy of the State)
  • 1937 Vanessa Redgrave, English actress (As You Like It, Camelot, Mission: Impossible, Atonement, The Gathering Storm, Coriolanus, Call the Midwife)
  • 1941 Gregory Benford, Mobile, Alabama, author and scientist (Galactic Center Saga novels, beginning with In the Ocean of Night)
  • 1951 Charles S. Dutton, Baltimore, Maryland, actor (Rudy, Alien 3, Roc, House MD, Crocodile Dundee II, Longmire, Carter High)
  • 1955 Judith Tarr, Augusta, Maine, author (Avaryan Chrnoicles, Blood Vengeance, Household Gods, White Magic series, Forgotten Suns)
  • 1957 Payne Stewart, Springfield, Missouri, golfer (won 3 majors)
  • 1974 Christian Bale, Welsh actor (Empire of the Sun, American Psycho, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Fighter)

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Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. – John Wooden
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1820 Edward Bransfield sights the Trinity Peninsula and claims the discovery of Antarctica.
  • 1835 In the first assassination attempt against a President of the United States, Richard Lawrence attempts to shoot president Andrew Jackson, but fails and is subdued by a crowd.
  • 1847 Yerba Buena, California is renamed San Francisco.
  • 1862 The first American ironclad warship, the USS Monitor is launched.
  • 1911 The destroyer USS Terry (DD-25) makes the first airplane rescue at sea saving the life of James McCurdy 10 miles from Havana, Cuba.
  • 1948 Indian pacifist and leader Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi known for his non-violent freedom struggle is assassinated by Pandit Nathuram Godse, a Hindu extremist.
  • 1969 The Beatles’ last public performance, on the roof of Apple Records in London. The impromptu concert is broken up by the police.
  • 1971 Carole King’s Tapestry album is released, it would become the longest charting album by a female solo artist and sell 24 million copies worldwide.
  • 1975 The Monitor National Marine Sanctuary is established as the first United States National Marine Sanctuary.
  • 1982 Richard Skrenta writes the first PC virus code, which is 400 lines long and disguised as an Apple boot program called “Elk Cloner”.
  • 1994 Péter Lékó becomes the youngest chess grand master at age 14-years.
  • 1995 Workers from the National Institutes of Health announce the success of clinical trials testing the first preventive treatment for sickle-cell disease.
  • 2017 Miss Universe 2016 was held in Manila, Philippines for the third time.The winner was Miss France,  Iris Mittenaere.

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Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’

‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the salesgirl, ‘You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.’

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Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn’t have a rifle.

“That’s no problem, son,” said the sergeant. “Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go ‘Bangety Bang Bang’.”

“But what about a bayonet, Sarge?” asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. “Here, use this… just go, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab’.”

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

“Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” It’s no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, “Tankety Tank Tank.”

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ONE-LINERS: Proverbs – According to 6year olds
Mary taught first grade. She had a class of twenty-five adorable 6yr olds. One day Mary gave each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to write in the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. While reading the results, keep in mind that these are only first graders, about 6 years old.

No news is………………………. impossible.

Love all, trust………………….. me.

An idle mind is………………….. the best way to relax.

Strike while the…………………. bug is close.

Better late than…………………. pregnant.

A penny saved is…………………. not much.

Don’t change horses………………. until they stop running.

A miss is as good as a …………… Mr.

Happy is the bride who……………. gets all the presents.

Two’s company, three’s……………. the Musketeers.

Don’t bite the hand that………….. looks dirty.

It’s always darkest before………… Daylight Saving Time.

There are none so blind as ……….. Stevie Wonder.

Where there’s smoke there’s ………. pollution.

The pen is mightier than the………. pigs.

If at first you don’t succeed……… get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind …….. get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not …… spanked or grounded.

You can’t teach an old dog new ……. math.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what…… you put on to go to bed.

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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client on the phone.

“I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. “Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client again.

“Ma’am, do you understand what I’m saying?”, said the exasperated receptionist. “Mr. Smith is DEAD!”

“I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”

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pic of the day:Bourbon Red Turkey Tom and Peahen

picture of Bourbon Red Turkey and peahen

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his Honda Odyssey. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his vehicle ran out of gas.

The Gendarme, of course, asked, “How could you mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error?”

The suspect replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(See if you have deGaulle to share this with someone. I posted it because I figured I had nothing Toulouse since it is the Cezanne of Bastille Day).

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A Little Mixed Up

Just a line to say I’m living,
That I’m not among the dead.
Though I’m getting more forgetful
And more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can’t remember,
When I stand at foot of stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or if I’ve just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away?…or
Have I come to take some out?

And there’s times when it is dark out,
With my night cap on my head
I don’t know if I’m retiring
Or just getting out of bed.

So…if it’s my turn to write you
There’s no need of getting sore,
I may think that I have written
And don’t want to be a bore!!

So, remember..I do love you
And I wish that you were here,
But now it’s nearly mail time,
So I must say good-bye my dear.

There I stood beside the mail box
With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!!

My bifocals fit – my dentures are fine
My hearing aid works…but ..I do miss my mind!!!

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Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

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A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

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A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is the Season for Nonviolence about? It is a yearly event celebrating the philosophies and lives of Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. The “season” begins with the anniversary of Mohandas Gandhi’s assassination on January 30 and ends with the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s assassination on April 4. It is anchored by a mission, statement of principles, and commitments by participants towards living in a nonviolent way

~Which dog leads the blind in England? In England, the most commonly used guide dog for the blind is the Yellow Labrador Retriever.

~Why do javelinas travel in groups? Javelinas are free-ranging, yet territorial animals that travel in small herds. One of the reasons they travel in numbers is so they can huddle to stay warm — they don’t handle cold well and can freeze to death quickly.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others – Winston Churchill.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. – Walt Disney