Tag Archives: picture of turkeys

Humor for November 24, 2016

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Gautama Buddha

TODAY – NOVEMBER 24th – THURSDAY

328th day of 2016 with 37 days to follow. Moon is waning with 22% visible.

Holidays for Today:
*Thanksgiving Day
*Brownielocks Day (honor and appreciate brunettes)
*Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day
*National Sardines Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1784 Zachary Taylor, Barboursville, Virginia, 12th President of the United States
  • 1806 William Webb Ellis, English Anglican clergyman, credited with the invention of Rugby
  • 1849 Frances Eliza Hodgson Burnett, English playwright and author (The Secret Garden, A Little Princess, Little Lord Fauntleroy)
  • 1911 Kirby Grant, Butte, Montana,  actor (Sky King)
  • 1925 William F. Buckley Jr., New York City, author (founded the political magazine National Review)
  • 1940 Eric Wilson, Canada, children’s book author (mysteries with Tom and Liz Austen, voted 1992 Author of the Year by the Canadian Bookseller’s Association)
  • 1947 Dwight Schultz, Baltimore, Maryland, actor (Captain “Howling Mad” Murdock on the The A-Team; Reginald Barclay in Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: First Contact, Mad Scientist Dr. Animo in the Ben 10 series, and Chef Mung Daal in the children’s cartoon Chowder)
  • 1950 Stanley Livingston, Los Angeles, California,  actor (My Three Sons)
  • 1953 Glenn Withrow, Highland Heights, Kentucky,  actor (By Dawn’s Early Light)
  • 1957 Denise Crosby, Hollywood, California,  actress (Tasha Yar on Star Trek: The Next Generation )
  • 1964 Garret Dillahunt, Castro Valley, California,  actor (One Night Only , Oliver Sherman, Unbound Captives, The Mourning Portrait )
  • 1964 Brad Sherwood, Chicago, Illinois, comedian and host (The Dating Game, The Big Moment)
  • 1978 Katherine Heigl, Washington, D.C., actress (Knocked Up, 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Killers)

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“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” Paulo Coelho
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1859 Charles Darwin publishes On the Origin of Species.
  • 1863 American Civil War: Battle of Lookout Mountain – Near Chattanooga, Tennessee, Union forces under General Ulysses S. Grant capture Lookout Mountain and begin to break the Confederate siege of the city led by General Braxton Bragg.
  • 1906 The Canton Bulldogs-Massillon Tigers Betting Scandal, the first major scandal in professional American football.
  • 1932 In Washington, D.C., the FBI Scientific Crime Detection Laboratory (better known as the FBI Crime Lab) officially opens.
  • 1944 World War II: Bombing of Tokyo – The first bombing raid against the Japanese capital from the east and by land is carried out by 88 American aircraft.
  • 1962 The West Berlin branch of the Socialist Unity Party of Germany forms a separate party, the Socialist Unity Party of West Berlin.
  • 1963 Lee Harvey Oswald is murdered by Jack Ruby in the basement of Dallas police department headquarters. The shooting is broadcast live on television.
  • 1966 A Bulgarian plane with 82 people on board crashes near Bratislava, Czechoslovakia.
  • 1966 New York City experiences the smoggiest day in the city’s history.
  • 1969 Apollo 12 command module splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean, ending the second manned mission to the Moon.
  • 1971 Hijacker Dan Cooper (AKA D. B. Cooper) parachutes from a Northwest Orient Airlines plane with $200,000 in ransom money in Washington State during a thunderstorm. He has never been found.
  • 1974 Donald Johanson and Tom Gray discover the 40% complete Australopithecus afarensis skeleton, nicknamed “Lucy” (after The Beatles song “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”), in the Awash Valley of Ethiopia’s Afar Depression.
  • 1992 A China Southern Airlines domestic flight in the People’s Republic of China, crashes, killing all 141 people on-board.
  • 1993 In Liverpool, 11-year-olds Robert Thompson and Jon Venables are convicted of the murder of 2-year-old James Bulger.

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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. “This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”

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ONE-LINERS:Terms to Know
~ FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.
~ OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
~ MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
~ COLLEGE — The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
~ EMERGENCY NUMBERS — Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
~ OPERA — When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
~ BUFFET — A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”
~ BABY-SITTER — A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
~ TATTOO — Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
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Priceless Tech Support Call:
Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; Can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘ Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’
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pic of the day: Turkey Talk!

Thanksgiving Turkeys
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day.

He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie.

A passerby who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask “What’s happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?”

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, “I’m just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone.”

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My husband David’s colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, “Get me out!”

“Don’t worry,” David replied, “Maintenance should be sending somebody.”

“They did,” said the voice.

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.”

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

“Well,” said the other brother, “you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.”

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Boss, to four of his employees: ”I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black Employee: ”I’m a protected minority.”

Female Employee: ”And I’m a woman.”

Oldest Employee: ”Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: ”I think I might be gay…”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is Disney anti-family? The Disney cartoons 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney features with both parents present and that don’t die throughout the movie.

~How dishonest an umpire was Richard? In 1882, Richard Higham of Troy, New York, former manager and National League baseball player, was banished from the league for advising gamblers how to bet on baseball games he umpired, thus earning the infamous distinction of being the only umpire ever judged guilty of dishonesty on the field.

~What color is blood? Blood is red only in the arteries after it has left the heart and is full of oxygen. Blood is a purplish, blue color in the veins as it returns to the heart, thanks to having picked up carbon dioxide and other wastes from the body’s cells. In fact, your blood is red throughout only half your body. When cut, of course, the blood always appears red because it is instantly exposed to oxygen outside the body.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby – Natalie Wood

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . It isn’t the things that happen to us in our lives that cause us to suffer, it’s how we relate to the things that happen to us that causes us to suffer. – Pema Chodron