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Humor for April 24, 2017

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – APRIL 24TH – MONDAY

114th day of 2017 with 251 days to follow. Moon is waning with 6% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Arbor Day (celebrated for the 143rd year on April 24, 2017)
~ Fashion Revolution Day (for systemic reform and transparency in the fashion supply chain)
~ International Sculpture Day
~ Kapyong Day (Australia,Canada/ battle during Korean War)
~ National Pigs-In-A-Blanket Day
~ World Day for Laboratory Animals
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1934 Shirley MacLaine, Richmond, Virginia, actor (Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, Postcards from the Edge, Guarding Tess, The Last Word) and author (Dancing in the Light, I’m Over All That: And Other Confessions)
  • 1940 Sue Grafton, Louisville, Kentucky, author (Kinsey Milhone in alphabet series, “A” is for Alibi, “B” is for Burglar, “V” is for Vengeance, “W” is for Wasted, “Z” is for Zero)
  • 1942 Barbra Streisand, Brooklyn, New York, singer and actor
  • 1946 Phil Robertson, Vivian, Louisiana, businessman (founded Duck Commander), reality star (Duck Dynasty)
  • 1953 Eric Bogosian, Woburn, Massachusetts, actor (Law & Order: CI, High Incident, Billions) and author (Mall, Wasted Beauty, Perforated Heart)
  • 1955 Michael O’Keefe, Mount Vernon, New York, actor (Caddyshack, Michael Clayton, Frozen River, Sneaky Pete)
  • 1959 Glenn Morshower, Dallas, Texas, actor (24, Transformers, Supergirl, Bloodline, Bomb City)
  • 1978 Eric Balfour, Los Angeles, California, actor (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Valemont, Skyline, Haven)
  • 1980 Austin Nichols, Ann Arbor, Michigan, actor (One Tree Hill, The Day After Tomorrow, Wimbledon, The Walking Dead, Bates Motel)
  • 1982 Kelly Clarkson, Fort Worth, Texas, singer (won 1st season of American Idol)

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We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. – Evelyn Underhill
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1800 The United States Library of Congress is established when President John Adams signs legislation to appropriate $5,000 USD to purchase “such books as may be necessary for the use of Congress”.
  • 1885 American sharpshooter Annie Oakley is hired by Nate Salsbury to be a part of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West.
  • 1907 Founded by Milton S. Hershey for the exclusive use of his employees, Hersheypark is opened.
  • 1913 The Woolworth Building skyscraper in New York City is opened.
  • 1967 Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov dies in Soyuz 1 when its parachute fails to open. He is the first human to die during a space mission.
  • 1990 STS-31: The Hubble Space Telescope is launched from the Space Shuttle Discovery.
  • 21005 Snuppy becomes world’s first cloned dog.
  • 2005 Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is inaugurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church taking the name Pope Benedict XVI.

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After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, Non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so We should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and
……
DAGNABBIT!’

Silence followed.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking To you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in My lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

One Irish passenger yelled, ‘Oh man, you should see the back of mine!’
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The nursery school teacher had spent half an hour dressing her charges for outdoor playtime, pulling on boots, zipping and unbuttoning coats, matching mittens and gloves. As she finished struggling with Jennifer’s boots, she let out a sigh of relief. Then Jennifer tugged on her arm. “These boots aren’t mine, teacher.”

With a groan the teacher knelt down and pulled off the boots.

“Do you know whose boots these are, Jennifer?”
“Sure. They’re my sister’s. Mom makes me wear them anyway.”

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ONE-LINERS: Things You Don’t Want to Hear in the Operating Room . . .
~ “Someone call the cleaner. We’re going to need a mop”.
~ “Bonzo! Come back with that! Bad dog!”
~ “Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
~ “Oh no, I just lost my watch”.
~ “Oops. Has anyone survived 500ml of this stuff before?”
~ “You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them”.
~ “Everybody stand back – I lost my contact lens”.
~ “Could you stop that thing from thumping? It’s throwing my concentration off”.
~ “That’s cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?”
~ “I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses ..”
~ “This patient has already had some kids, right?”
~ “What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change?”
~ “.. and now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape”.
~ “Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy”.

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

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pic of the day: Trees reflected in pond


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Oliver Fiddle had a lifelong dream of going to Divinity School to get his Doctor of Divinity degree. He finally entered the university after years of saving money and studying for the entrance exam.

He worked hard and this June his dream will come true when he finally receives his degree. From that day forward, he will be known as … O. Fiddle, D.D.

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Cliff Clavin on drinking:

Well you see, Norm, it’s like this … A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

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My secretary was driving to work during the Christmas season. She had her four-year-old daughter in the car with her for an event at church.

Since it is the season for carols, they were listening to Christmas music. As they approached the church, the song “Sleigh Ride” was playing. When her mom parked the car and turned off the radio, her daughter continued to sing; “idiot, idiot, idiot, let’s go.”

Her mother said, “Honey, that is not the word they are singing. It is ‘giddy-up.’ Besides idiot is not a very nice word.”

Her daughter replied, “Why? That’s what you always say about people when we are driving and they aren’t going fast enough.”

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A mom’s teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. “The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,” she said.

“Oh good,” he said, “Now I can use it to buy a new iPad!”

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A mother who drove a city bus attended an open house at her third-grader’s school. The teacher seemed amused as she directed the mother to where her child’s work was displayed.

An essay tacked up in a prominent position, titled “My Mom,” read: “I like my mom because she is neat and pretty and tells everyone where to get off.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is Snakes and Ladders a lesson in morality? The ancient race game Snakes and Ladders originated in India it’s undetermined exactly when. It’s a game of morality with the bases of the ladders being located on squares representing various types of good and the more numerous snakes coming from squares representing various forms of evil. The squares of virtue on the original game are Faith (12), Reliability (51), Generosity (57), Knowledge (76), Asceticism (78); the squares of evil are Disobedience (41), Vanity (44), Vulgarity (49), Theft (52), Lying (58), Drunkenness (62), Debt (69), Rage (84), Greed (92), Pride (95), Murder (73) and Lust (99). The game is Hindu and was used to teach children about the religion in that the good squares allow a player to ascend higher in the league of life whereas evil will reduce a player back through reincarnation to lower tiers of life. Presumably the last square, 100, represents Nirvana.

~Where would you go for ‘Garlic Time?’ There is an organization in Berkeley, California, whose members gather monthly to discuss and honor the garlic plant. Called “The Lovers of the Stinky Rose,” this unusual organization holds and annual garlic festival and publishes a newsletter known as “Garlic Time.”

~How much air do you breathe? A person breathes almost 7 quarts of air every minute.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes? Come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.