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Humor for April 13, 2017

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – APRIL 13TH – THURSDAY

103rd day of 2017 with 262 days to follow. Moon is waning with 96% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Peach Cobbler Day
~ Scrabble Day
~ Jefferson’s Birthday
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1743 Thomas Jefferson, Shadwell, Virginia, (D-R) 3rd US President (1801-09)
  • 1852 Frank W. Woolworth, Rodman, New York, founder 5 & 10 cent stores (Woolworths)
  • 1866 Butch Cassidy, Beaver, Utah, outlaw (robbed banks & trains; Hole in the Wall Gang)
  • 1899 Alfred Mosher Butts, Poughkeepsie, New York, architect/ game inventor (Scrabble game)
  • 1902 Marguerite Henry, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, author (Misty of Chincoteague, Brighty of the Grand Canyon)
  •  1923 Don [James Yarmy] Adams, NYC, actor/comedian (Maxwell Smart on Get Smart, Check it Out, Inspector Gadget)
  •  1935 Lyle Waggoner, Kansas City, Kansas, actor (Carol Burnett Show, Wonder Woman, Living Straight)
  •  1939 Paul Sorvino, Brooklyn, New York, stage/screen actor, (Law and Order, Reds, Goodfellas, A Touch of Class, A Place for Heroes)
  •  1950 Ron Perlman, Bronx, New York, actor (Quest for Fire, Beauty & the Beast, Hellboy, Pacific Rim, Sons of Anarchy, Hand of God)
  • 1950 William Sadler, Buffalo, New York, actor (The Pacific, Roswell, The Shawshank Redemption, Die Hard 2, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, Jesse Stone: Lost in Paradise)
  • 1951 Peter Davison, English actor (5th Dr Who; Tristan/ All Creatures Great & Small; Sink or Swim; Fiddlers Three, Law & Order: UK)
  • 1970 Rick Schroder, Staten Island, New York, actor (Ricky-Silver Spoons, Champ, Earthling, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors)
  •  1978 Kyle Howard, Loveland, Colorad, actor (House Arrest, Skeletons, Orange County, My Boys, Royal Pains, Your Family or Mine)

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Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world — making the most of one’s best. – Harry Emerson Fosdick
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1860 First Pony Express reaches Sacramento, California.
  • 1902 JC Penney opens his first store in Kemmerer, Wyoming.
  • 1943 The Jefferson Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C., on the 200th anniversary of Thomas Jefferson’s birth.
  • 1957 Due to lack of funds, Saturday mail delivery in the US is temporarily halted.
  • 1958 Van Cliburn is the first American to win the Tchaikovsky Competition in Moscow.
  • 1963 Sidney Poitier becomes first black man to win Oscar for Best Actor (Lilies of the Field).
  • 1970 Apollo 13 announces “Houston, we’ve got a problem!” as Beech-built oxygen tank explodes en route to Moon.
  • 1974 Western Union (in cooperation with NASA and Hughes Aircraft) launches the United States’ first commercial geosynchronous communications satellite, Westar 1.
  • 1976 US Treasury Department reintroduced the two-dollar bill on Thomas Jefferson’s 233rd birthday as part of the US Bicentennial celebration.
  • 1997 Tiger Woods becomes the youngest golfer to win golf’s Masters Tournament.

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Dear son,

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won’t recognize the house when you get home – we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

Your fathers got a really good job now. He’s got 500 men under him. He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know whether you’re an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He’s only been there a short while and they’ve already made him a court martial.

Your uncle Patrick drowned last night in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy if from him.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I have already sealed the envelope.

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ONE-LINERS: Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by dummies for dummies called the YCC, ‘Your Concept Car.’ Among its cutting-edge dummi-features . . .

— Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

— An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles

— Permanent press fenders.

— A dashboard voice console that’s programmed to ask strangers for directions.

— Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than they actually are.

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I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”

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pic of the day: Praying Mantis


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“Doctor, doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I’m becoming invisible!”
“Yes I can see you’re not all there.”
—-

“Doctor, doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I keep thinking I’m a goat!”
“How long have you felt that way?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”
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My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a “dog’s life”.

The way she puts it though is: “He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed.”

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One the first day of school, the teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.

As she starts the recitation she looks around the room, “I pledge allegiance to the flag..” when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

“Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,” she demands.

Andy looks up and replies, “It is over my heart.”

After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher inquires, “Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?”

“Well Miss,” answers Andy, “because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, ‘Bless your little heart,’ and my Grandma never lies.”

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EASTER DEEP THOTS
~ Have you ever wondered, since eggs become so much more appealing to kids when you color them and hide them, if that would also work for broccoli?

~ Pastors work extra hard on their Easter sermons. After all, on Easter, nobody wants to lay an egg.

~ When I was a kid I really hated wearing a suit on Easter Sunday. I always thought it was hard to praise the Lord when you felt like a mannequin.

~ Have you ever noticed on Easter how husbands tend to hide the Cadbury Creme Eggs where only they can find them?

~ Our son is hard to please. He likes those candy Easter eggs, but he wants them scrambled.

~ Today’s money-saving Easter tip: Make the kid’s plastic Easter basket grass yourself — just run a trash bag through the pasta maker.

~ The Easter Bunny must be a teenager. Who else would think it’s cool to leave eggs in shoes?

~ Did you ever wonder why we always leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus, but we never leave a salad out for the Easter Bunny?

~ Sunday is Easter, a time to celebrate new life with maybe a new outfit, an Easter egg hunt, or just a prayer of thanksgiving and a warm feeling. And I know somehow, somewhere, before the day is over, I’m gonna consume an entire chocolate bunny.

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George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said, “Hey, aren’t you Moses?”

Moses said nothing just kept on shopping.

A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, and said “Hey, aren’t you Moses?”

Again Moses said nothing.

A few aisles over again George saw Moses and said, “I just KNOW you’re Moses!”

This time Moses replied, “Hey, the last time I talked to a Bush, I ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is absinthe particularly addictive? At the height of this popularity, absinthe was portrayed as a dangerously addictive, psychoactive drug; the chemical thujone was blamed for most of its deleterious effects. By 1915 it was banned in a number of European countries and the United States. Even though it was vilified, there is no evidence showing it to be any more dangerous than ordinary alcohol although few modern medical studies have been conducted to test this. A modern absinthe revival began in the 1990s, as countries in the European Union began to reauthorize its manufacture and sale.

~Who has won the Tour de France the most times? One rider has won the Tour a record seven times: Lance Armstrong (USA) in 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005 (seven consecutive years), although his victories have since been rescinded. Four other riders have won the Tour five times: Jacques Anquetil (France) in 1957, 1961, 1962, 1963 and 1964; Eddy Merckx (Belgium) in 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972 and 1974; Bernard Hinault (France) in 1978, 1979, 1981, 1982 and 1985; and Miguel Indurain (Spain) in 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994 and 1995 (the first to do so in five consecutive years). Other than Armstrong’s winning the Tour seven times, no one else has won the Tour more than five times.

~What would you get if you ordered the Hangtown Fry? Supposedly created in 1849 during the California goldrush, possibly at the Cary House in Hangtown (now Placerville). Food was expensive in the mining camps and towns, and oysters and eggs were the most expensive. Either a miner with a bag full of nuggets wanted the most expensive meal he could order, or it was the last request of an outlaw about to be hanged. The Hangtown Fry is eggs, oysters and bacon cooked together as a scramble or an omelette.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. – Mahatma Gandhi