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Humor for May 9, 2017

It’s your life, your one and only life-so take excellence very personally. – Scott Johnson


129th day of 2017 with 236 days to follow. Full moon with 99% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Lost Sock Memorial Day
~ National Butterscotch Brownie Day
~ National Bike Month
~ National Recommitment Month


  • 1783 Alexander Ross, born in Scotland, moved to Canada in 1804, pioneer/ fur trader/ author (Adventures of the First Settlers on the Oregon and Columbia rivers, The Fur Traders of the Far West, The Red River Settlement)
  • 1800 John Brown, Torrington, Connecticut, abolitionist (led attack on Harpers Ferry, WV)
  • 1860 Sir James Matthew Barrie, Scotland, author (Margaret Ogilvy, Peter Pan, The Little Minister)
  • 1882 Henry J Kaiser, Sprout Brook, New York, industrialist (Kaiser Shipyard, Kaiser Aluminum, Kaiser Steel, Kaiser Motors, Kaiser Family Foundation, and Kaiser Permanente health care), father of modern American Shipbuilding (Liberty Ships, Jeeps, Boulder Dam)
  • 1910 Barbara Woodhouse, Ireland, dog training expert (show Training Dogs the Woodhouse Way, “no bad dogs philosophy”)
  • 1918 Mike Wallace, Brookline, Massachusetts, journalist (Biography, 60 Minutes)
  • 1946 Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills, California, actress (Boston Legal, Murphy Brown)
  • 1962 John Corbett, Wheeling, West Virginia, actor (Northern Exposure, The Visitor, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Sex and the City, Lucky, Montana Sky, United States of Tara, Mata Hari)
  • 1979 Rosario Dawson, New York City, New York, actress (Kids, Men in Black II, 25th Hour, Sin City, Clerks II, Rent, Death Proof, The Rundown, Eagle Eye, Alexander, Seven Pounds, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief and Unstoppable, Daredevil, Iron Fist)
  • 1982 Rachel Boston, Chattanooga, Tennessee, actress (The Closer, Las Vegas, The Daily Show, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Grey’s Anatomy, The Rules of Engagement, Crossing Jordan, Witches of East End)

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. – Danny Kaye


  • 1887 Buffalo Bill Cody’s Wild West Show opened in London.
  • 1914 President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day “as a public expression of love and reverence for the mothers of our country.”
  • 1955 Sam and Friends debuts on a local United States television channel, marking the first television appearance of both Jim Henson and what would become Kermit the Frog and The Muppets.
  • 1970 In Washington, D.C., 75,000 to 100,000 war protesters demonstrate in front of the White House to protest the Vietnam War.
  • 1974 As part of the Watergate Scandal, the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee opens formal and public impeachment hearings against President Richard Nixon.
  • 1980 In Florida, Liberian freighter MV Summit Venture collides with the Sunshine Skyway Bridge over Tampa Bay, making a 1,400-ft. section of the southbound span collapse. 35 people in six cars and a Greyhound bus fall 150 ft. into the water and die.
  • 1992 Final episode of “Golden Girls” airs on NBC-TV.


A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly. “Sir, what exactly are you doing?”

“I’m learning to drive.”

“What?!? without an instructor in the car?”

“It’s an online course.”


Golden Oldie… In a church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special requests’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Bill got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Bill, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Bill replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Bill’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Bill’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Bill, how is your hearing now?”

Bill answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”


ONE-LINERS: Free Advice from Kids . . .
~ Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

~ When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. – Michael, 14

~ Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

~ Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

~ Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

~ Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

~ Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

~ When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11

~ Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers. – Mitchell, 12

~. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9

~ Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

~ You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

~  If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, 15

~ Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

~ Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

~ When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

~ Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8


One evening after the honeymoon the new bride said to her husband, “Honey, I’ve been thinking. Now that we’re married, I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, tackle and boat.”

The husband got a horrified look on his face.

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“For a minute there you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!! I didn’t know you were married before!!”

“I wasn’t.”


pic of the day: Rosebay Pink Rhododendron



A man went into a bar. He was sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink, when he heard a voice which said: “You look great”. He looked around, but there was nobody near him.

He heard the voice again: “Really, you look terrific”. The guy looked around again. Still nobody.

Then he heard: “Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look simply fantastic.” Suddenly the man realised that the voice was coming from a bowl of nuts on the bar.

“Hey”, the man called to the barman. “What’s with the nuts?”

“Oh”, the bartender replied. “They’re complimentary”.


A football coach walked into the changing room before a game. He looked over to his new signing and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to be in the team. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play.”

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?”
“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it correct.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting…, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“Actually,” said the Director, “A normal person would just pull the plug.”

“So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?”


Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, teachers don’t really change a bulb, but they can help to make a dim one brighter.


Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. “I’m shocked!” he complained. “This is three times what you normally charge.”

“Yes, I know,” said the dentist. “But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients.”


Three art lovers are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

The Englishman says, “Look at their reserve, their calm. They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

The Russian points out, “They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”


TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is the name for the May Full Moon? We use Full Moon names that were used during Native American and Colonial times to help track the seasons. Depending on the tribe, May’s Full Moon was called the Full Flower Moon as well as Mother’s Moon, Milk Moon, and Corn Planting Moon. The May Moon marked a time of increasing fertility, with temperatures warm enough for safely bearing young, a near end to late frosts, and plants in bloom.

~How many human body parts are three? There are ten human body parts that are only three letters long: eye, hip, arm, leg, ear, toe, jaw, rib, lip, gum.

~How many U.S. presidents had children that weren’t their own? Six, although for some it’s not as scandalous as it may sound. George Washington, Andrew Jackson, and Ronald Reagan all had adopted children. On the other hand, Thomas Jefferson, Grover Cleveland, and Warren Harding all had children out of wedlock. Of course, it’s completely possible other presidents had illegitimate children that history knows nothing about!

QUIP OF THE DAY: The heart that loves is always young. – Greek Proverb


Thought for the day. . . Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.Anthony Robbins