Tag Archives: rooster picture

Humor for August 30, 2017

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves – Carl Jung

TODAY – AUGUST 30th – WEDNESDAY

242nd day of 2017 with 123 days to follow. Moon in first quarter with 61% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Frankenstein Day
~ International Day of the Disappeared
~ National Toasted Marshmallow Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1797 Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, London, England, author (Frankenstein)
  • 1871 Ernest Lord Rutherford, New Zealand born British chemist & physicist (discovered atomic nucleus, “founded” nuclear physics)
  • 1901 John Gunther, Chicago, Illinois, author (Death Be Not Proud)
  • 1908 Fred MacMurray, Kankakee Illinois, actor (Caine Mutiny, My 3 Sons)
  • 1930 Warren Buffett, Omaha, Nebraska, entrepreneur (Oracle of Omaha)/ author (The Midas Touch)
  • 1931 Jack L. Swigert, Jr., Denver, Colorado, astronaut (Apollo 13: one of only 24 people to have flown to the Moon)
  • 1939 Elizabeth Ashley, Ocala, Florida, actress (Coma, Evening Shade, The Cake Eaters, Treme)
  • 1972 Cameron Diaz, San Diego, California, actress (The Mask, My Best Friend’s Wedding, There’s Something About Mary, Princess Fiona / Shrek movies)
  • 2001 Emily Bear, Rockford, Illinois, child pianist and composer (classical, jazz)

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Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there – Will Rogers.
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1836 The city of Houston is founded by Augustus Chapman Allen and John Kirby Allen.
  • 1862 American Civil War: Union forces are defeated in Second Battle of Bull Run.
  • 1909 Burgess Shale fossils discovered by Charles Doolittle Walcott.
  • 1945 Hong Kong liberated from Japan by British forces.
  • 1956 The Lake Pontchartrain Causeway opens (2 parallel bridges crossing Lake Pontchartrain in southern Louisiana).
  • 1963 Hotline between the leaders of the U.S.A. and the Soviet Union goes into operation.
  • 1984 STS-41-D: The Space Shuttle Discovery takes off on its maiden voyage.
  • 1995 NATO launches Operation Deliberate Force against Bosnian Serb forces.

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My husband wears his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced, “LOOK MOM! A GIANT BOY SCOUT!!”

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Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID.

The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and shouted, ‘Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.’

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ONE-LINERS:

~ When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

~Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth’s rotation has been fueled largely by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves.

~ I had a lazy eye as a kid, and it gradually spread to my whole body.

~ The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

~ Q: What’s the best way to prevent water coming into your house?
A: Don’t pay the water bill.

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Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

“In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”

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pic of the day: Something to crow about?


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

WARNING! CHICKEN PUN ZONE!

Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
A: Fry-day!

Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
A: The bombshell!

Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
A: He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be!

Q: Is chicken soup good for your health?
A: Not if you’re the chicken!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!

Q: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
A: They go on peck-nics!

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When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

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“What happened to you?”

“I was up nearly all night. My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became quite historical.”

“Don’t you mean hysterical?”

“No. Historical. She went over absolutely everything I’ve done wrong over the last 25 years.”

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.'”

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FUNNY SIGNS. . .

In a washroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why do we call coffee “Joe”? According to one legend, in the past the US Navy served wine on board its ships. But that stopped when Admiral Josephus Daniels became Secretary of the Navy. Admiral “Joe” banned wine from the officer’s mess, except on special occasions. Peeved sailors began to sarcastically refer to their coffee, one of the few drinks permitted, as a “cup of Joe.”.

~Why is the electric eel so electric? The electric eel has thousands of electric cells running up and down its tail. Vital body organs, such as the heart, are packed into a small space behind the head. They use their electric sense to “see”. Their electric sensors act like radar. They send out weak impulses which bounce off objects.

~Who made the first teddy bears? Ideal Toy Company was the first company to mass produce teddy bears.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Lord, make my words sweet – I may have to eat them!

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Be smart enough to hold on, be brave enough to let go. Sometimes, we need to hold onto faith while letting go of the outcome. Open your hand and hold your dreams gently, don’t try to grab them.