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Humor for July 24, 2017

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. – Gibran

TODAY – JULY 24th – MONDAY

205th day of 2017 with 160 days to follow. New moon with 2% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Amelia Earhart Day
~ National Cousins Day
~ National Drive-Thru Day
~ National Pop a Wheelie Day
~ National Tequila Day
~ Pioneer Day (Utah)
~ Tell an Old Joke Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1783 Simon Bolivar, Venezuelan military and political leader (key in Hispanic-Spanish America’s struggle for independence from Spanish Empire)
  • 1802 Alexandre Dumas, French writer (Count of Monte Cristo, The Three Musketeers)
  • 1874 Oswald Chambers, Scottish minister, author (My Utmost for His Highest)
  • 1897 Amelia Earhart, Atchison, Kansas, aviation pioneer (first aviatrix to fly solo across Atlantic Ocean)
  • 1916 John D. MacDonald, Sharon, Pennsylvania, author (Travis McGee series; The Executioners (movie title: Cape Fear), Ballroom of the Skies, A Flash of Green)
  • 1947 Robert Hays, Bethesda, Maryland, actor (Airplane!, Starman, Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, Ironman, Spider-Man, Sharknado 2)
  • 1951 Lynda Carter, Phoenix, Arizona, actress (Wonder Woman, Partners in Crime, Hawkeye, Sky High, The Elder Scrolls video games)
  • 1968 Laura Leighton, Iowa City, Iowa, actress (Melrose Place, Daniel’s Daughter, Pretty Little Liars)
  • 1969 Jennifer Lopez, The Bronx, New York, singer / actress (Second Chances, The Wedding Planner, Maid in Manhattan, Monster-n-Law, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Shades of Blue)
  • 1975 Eric Szmanda, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, actor (Greg Sanders on CSI)

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“It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success.” – Diana Rankin

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1847 After 17 months of travel, Brigham Young leads 148 Mormon pioneers into Salt Lake Valley, resulting in the establishment of Salt Lake City. Celebrations of this event include the Pioneer Day Utah state holiday and the Days of ’47 Parade.
  • 1866 Tennessee becomes the first U.S. State to be readmitted to the Union following the American Civil War.
  • 1929 The Kellogg-Briand Pact, renouncing war as an instrument of foreign policy, goes into effect (it is first signed in Paris on August 27, 1928 by most leading world powers).
  • 1950 Cape Canaveral Air Force Station begins operations with the launch of a Bumper rocket.
  • 1959 At the opening of the American National Exhibition in Moscow, U.S. Vice President Richard Nixon and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev have a “Kitchen Debate”.
  • 1969 Apollo 11 splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean.
  • 1974 Watergate scandal: the United States Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon did not have the authority to withhold subpoenaed White House tapes and they order him to surrender the tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor.
  • 2005 Lance Armstrong wins his seventh consecutive Tour de France.
  • 2009 The MV Arctic Sea, reportedly carrying a cargo of timber, is allegedly hijacked in the North Sea by pirates, but much speculation remains as to the actual cargo and events.

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A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam’s rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, “Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden.”

“I have you both beaten,” the lawyer gloated. “Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, wasn’t it? And who but lawyers could have created that?”

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

‘If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.’

‘It’s in the judge’s hands now,’ said the lawyer.

‘Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?’

‘Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.’

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, ‘Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!’

‘I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.’

‘But, I did send them.’

‘What? You did?’ said the lawyer, incredulously.

‘Yes. That’s how we won the case.’

‘I don’t understand,’ said the lawyer.

‘It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.’

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ONE-LINERS: You are a Nerd If…

– If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
– If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
– If you have more toys than your kids

– If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
– If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
– If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

– If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
– If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it

– If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
– If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the flight attendant, “What’s that stuff all over those hills?”

“Just snow,” replied the flight attendant.

“That’s what I thought.” Then the lady turned to her husband, “See? You said it was grease.”

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pic of the day: Roosters Face-off!


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.”

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man’s friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, “OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?” The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

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Some race horses are chatting: “In my last 16 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

“I’ve won 20 of my last 27 races.”

“Oh that’s good, but in my last 37 races I won 29!”

At this point they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but I won 89 of my last 91 races.”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow,” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

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Church Bulletin Bloopers

His left thumb, which was shot away, is doing nicely.

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The fount so generously presented by Mrs. Smith will be set in position at the east end of the Church. Babies may now be baptized at both ends.

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Dr. Gilbert Murray, O.M., will celebrate his ninetieth birthday quietly at his home tomorrow, with his wife, Mary Murray. They have been married 66 years. This evening he is to broadcast his weekly radio homily, a talk called “Unfinished Battle.”

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A man went to the cinema. As he sat down to watch the film and his eyes got accustomed to the dark, he noticed a dog sitting on the seat beside him. He was somewhat bemused but decided to try and ignore the dog.

As the film progressed he noticed that the dog was reacting appropriately to the scenes. For laughter the dog wagged his tail and barked, for sadness he dropped his ears and whimpered, for violence he growled and bared his teeth. At the end of the film the audience applauded and the dog got up on all paws and barked and wagged his tail.

The man turned to another who appeared to be the dog’s owner and said, “Wow, that was a great film, and what an intelligent dog you have there. Frankly, I’m amazed.”

“So am I,” replied the owner. “He thought the book was terrible.”

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Grandpa: “Whatever happened to the old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them?”

Grandma: “Whatever happened to the old-fashioned men who could make women faint?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How old does the president need to be? The minimum age set in the U.S. Constitution for the President of the United States is 35.

~How many countries have the golden arches? There are more 25,000 McDonald’s restaurants in over 115 countries. McDonald’s has actually been remarkably responsive to the local cultures: they offer “ayran” (a popular chilled yogurt drink) in Turkey; McLaks (a grilled salmon sandwich) in Norway, and teriyaki burgers in Japan. In New Delhi, India, where Hindus shun beef and Muslims refuse pork, the burgers are made of mutton and called Maharaja Macs. And if you’re vegetarian, as many strict Hindus are, there’s the McAloo Tikki burger, a spicy vegetarian patty made of potatoes and peas.

~Was there really a Mr. Murphy, him of the infamous law? It states “Whatever can go wrong will go wrong,” and was named after Major Edward A. Murphy, Jr., a development engineer working for a brief time on rocket sled experiments done by the United States Air Force in 1949.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. – Elsa Maxwell

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. – Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.