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Humor for May 8, 2017

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. – Ashley Smith

TODAY – MAY 8th – MONDAY

128th day of 2017 with 237 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 95% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Iris  Day
~ National Coconut Cream Pie Day
~ National Have A Coke Day
~ No Socks Day
~ Truman Day (Missouri)
~ World Red Cross Day / World Red Crescent Day
~ V-E Day (Victory in Europe)
~ International Time of Remembrance and Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives during the Second World War (continues to May 9)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1828 Jean Henri Dunant, Swiss businessman, Founder of the Red Cross (Nobel)
  • 1884 Harry S. Truman, Lamar, Missouri, politician, 34th Vice President of the United States, and 33rd President of the United States
  • 1910 Andrew E. Svenson, Belleville, New Jersey, children’s book author and publisher (Hardy Boys, Bobbsey Twins, Tom Swift, The Happy Hollisters)
  • 1926 David Attenborough, English naturalist (Life series, Wildlife on One, Natural World, The Blue Planet, Planet Earth, Frozen Planet)
  • 1926 Don Rickles, Queens, New York, comedian (The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Zookeeper, Toy Story )
  • 1940 Peter Benchley, NYC, New York, author (Jaws, The Deep, The Island)
  • 1940 Ricky Nelson, Teaneck, New Jersey, actor (The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, Here Come the Nelsons, Rio Bravo), singer (Poor Little Fool)
  • 1940 Toni Tennille, Montgomery, Alabama, singer (Captain & Tennille)
  • 1953 Alex Van Halen, Dutch-born American drummer (Van Halen)
  • 1954 David Keith, Knoxville, Tennessee, actor (An Officer and a Gentleman, The Great Santini, U-571, Firestarter, Running Wild )
  • 1964 Bobby Labonte, Corpus Christi, Texas, race car driver (NASCAR Sprint Cup series; 1st driver to win both Winston Cup & Busch Series championships)
  • 1964 Melissa Gilbert, Los Angeles, California, actress (Little House on the Prairie, voice of Batgirl in Batman: The Animated Series, 2012 Dancing with the Stars)
  • 1978 Matthew Davis, Salt Lake City, Utah, actor (Legally Blonde, Damages, The Vampire Diaries)

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Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. – Howard Thurman
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1861 During the American Civil War, Richmond, Virginia is named the capital of the Confederate States of America.
  • 1877 First Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show opens at Gilmore’s Gardens in New York City.
  • 1886 Pharmacist John Styth Pemberton first sells a carbonated beverage named “Coca-Cola” as a patent medicine.
  • 1912 Paramount Pictures is founded.
  • 1919 A moment of silence to commemorate The Armistice of World War I first suggested by Edward George Honey, which later results in the creation of Remembrance Day. In the U.S. it was called Armistice Day and is now Veterans Day.
  • 1945 World War II: V-E Day, combat ends in Europe. German forces agree in Rheims, France, to an unconditional surrender.
  • 1978 First ascent of Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen, by Reinhold Messner and Peter Habeler.
  • 1980 The eradication of smallpox is endorsed by the World Health Organization.
  • 1988 A fire at Illinois Bell’s Hinsdale Central Office triggers an extended 1AESS network outage once considered the ‘worst telecommunications disaster in US telephone industry history’ and still the worst to occur on Mother’s Day.

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I work like a horse. I eat like a pig. I like to play chicken.
They call me a dirty rat. You can get my goat.
I can be as slippery as a snake. I get dog tired.
I can be as quiet as a mouse. They say I’m as quick as a cat.
I used to be as strong as an ox. I don’t like hen parties.
Please don’t badger me. People try to buffalo me.
I’m as ugly as a toad. I’m as gentle as a lamb.
And I’m as happy as a lark when I drink like a fish.
I’m as proud as a peacock. And I’m as hairy as a gorilla.
And there’s a frog in my throat.
Just the other day I got a charlie horse.
I’ve got goose bumps all over.
I’ve got the memory of an elephant, but I’m no sitting duck.
I can be alone wolf. And I’m having a whale of a time.

So why is it supposed to be so bad when somebody calls me an animal?

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I am a lay minister at my church. My sister was getting married and she wanted a small, casual wedding. She asked me to officiate. I’d never performed a marriage ceremony before, so I asked my pastor for advice.

“My sister has asked me to marry her,” I said, “and I’m not sure what to do.”

The minister answered, “Try telling her you just want to be friends.”

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ONE-LINERS: How To Tell That You Work in Corporate America…
– You’ve sat at the same desk doing the same job for four years and you’ve worked for three different companies.
– Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
– The company logo on your badge is applied as a Post-It(c) note.
– Your resume is on a flash drive in your pocket.
– You order your business cards in “half orders” instead of whole boxes.
– When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
– You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
– You learn about your layoff on CNN.
– Your biggest loss from a system crash is your best jokes.
– Your cubicle is smaller than your bedroom closet.
– Executive Board members’ salaries are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.
– “Lunch” is just a meeting you have to drive to.
– It’s dark when you drive to and from work. Even in mid-summer.
– “Fun” is when tasks are assigned to someone else.
– Your group is having problems with “communication.”
– If a person shows up in a suit and tie you instantly know they’re a vendor.
– Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
– Weekends are when your spouse makes you stay home.
– “Art” involves a white board.
– You just received a new assignment and already your boss is asking why it’s late.
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Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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pic of the day: Rooster & Squirrel


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of … “dye a rhea”.

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No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call.

“Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer,” the mobster said calmly.

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A patrol officer pulled over Enid for speeding. Enid was a 65 year old lady from out of state.
The officer asked to see her license.
‘Don’t have one’ Enid said.

‘Can I please see the Vehicle registration’ the officer asked firmly but politely.
‘Nope’ snapped Enid.

In that case I will have to take you into the Police station and charge you there. When they arrived they arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant, “This lady has no license and no vehicle registration.”

“Sure I do,” said Enid sweetly. “This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding.”

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I was working out the other day when I spotted a very attractive young lady entering the gym. I asked the trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that gorgeous babe over there?”

The trainer looked me up and down and said, “For you, I’d recommend using the ATM in the lobby.”

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You have just received the Amish Virus.

Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.

I thanketh thee,

Abe

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Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!”

Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many eyes does a bee have? A bee has five eyes, two large compound eyes on either side of its head, and three ocelli (primitive eyes) on top of its head to detect light intensity.

~Why do so few insects eat daffodils? The bulbs and leaves of the daffodil contain poisonous crystals which only a select few insects can eat without suffering an agonizing death. While squirrels and other rodents won’t eat them, they may dig up the bulbs.

~Are dingoes becoming extinct? As a result of interbreeding with dogs introduced by European settlers, the purebred dingo gene pool is in decline. By the early 1990s, about a third of all wild dingoes in the south-east of the continent were dingo/domestic dog crosses, and although the process of interbreeding is less advanced in more remote areas, the extinction of the subspecies in the wild is considered inevitable.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them. – Albert Einstein