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Humor for January 18, 2017

“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” – Sir Francis Bacon

TODAY – JANUARY 17th – WEDNESDAY

18th day of 2017 with 347 days to follow. Moon is in last quarter with 64% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Gourmet Coffee Day
~ Peking Duck Day
~ Thesaurus Day
~ Winnie the Pooh Day -The Birthday of Winnie’s author A.A. Milne
~ Week of Prayer for Christian Unity (January 18–25)
~ Adopt A Rescued Bird Month
~ Get Organized Month
~ National Blood Donor Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1779 Peter Roget, British lexicographer of thesaurus fame/inventor (slide rule, pocket chessboard)
  • 1782 Daniel Webster, Salisbury, New Hampshire, orator/politician/lawyer
  • 1813 Joseph Farwell Glidden, Charlestown, New Hampshire, farmer/inventor (patented commercially usable barbed wire)
  • 1854 Thomas Watson, Salem, Massachusetts, American telephone pioneer (assisted Alexander Graham Bell)
  • 1882 Alan Alexander Milne, English author (Winnie-the-Pooh)
  • 1888 Thomas Sopwith, British aviation pioneer (Sopwith Camel)
  • 1904 Cary Grant, Bristol, England, actor (Arsenic & Old Lace, North by Northwest, She Done Him Wrong, North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief)
  • 1922 Bob Bell, Flint, Michigan, Bozo the Clown
  • 1933 Ray Dolby, Portland, Oregan,  inventor (Dolby noise reduction system)
  • 1955 Kevin Costner, Lynwood, California,actor (Field of Dreams, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, the Mariner in Waterworld, A Perfect World , The Untouchables)
  • 1962 Alison Arngrim, New York City, New York,  actress (Nellie Olson on Little House on the Prairie, Life Interrupted)
  • 1980 Jason Segel, Los Angeles, California, actor (Freaks and Geeks , Undeclared, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, How I Met Your Mother, I Love You, Man, Gulliver’s Travels)

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Life is hard right up until the moment it isn’t. – Sue Morter
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1778 James Cook is the first known European to discover the Hawaiian Islands, which he names the “Sandwich Islands”.
  • 1861 American Civil War: Georgia joins South Carolina, Florida, Mississippi, and Alabama in seceding from the United States.
  • 1896 The X-ray machine is exhibited for the first time.
  • 1903 President Theodore Roosevelt sends a radio message to King Edward VII: the first transatlantic radio transmission originating in the United States.
  • 1911 Eugene B. Ely lands on the deck of the USS Pennsylvania stationed in San Francisco harbor, the first time an aircraft landed on a ship.
  • 1919 Bentley Motors Limited is founded by Walter Owen Bentley.
  • 1977 Scientists identify a previously unknown bacterium as the cause of the mysterious Legionnaires’ disease.
  • 1989 Otis Redding, Dion, Rolling Stones, Temptations & Stevie Wonder inducted into Rock & Roll Hall of Fame at 4th annual ceremony.
  • 1993 Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is officially observed for the first time in all 50 states.
  • 2000 The Tagish Lake meteorite impacts the Earth (150 tons – landed in Canada).

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Pick-Up Line Put-Downs

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

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The Perils of Aging

Just a line to say I’m living, that I’m not among the dead.
Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis, to my dentures I’m resigned,
I can manage my bifocals but I sure do miss my mind.

For sometimes I can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair,
If I must go up for something, or have just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often, my poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away or have I come to take some out?

And there’s the time when it is dark with my nightcap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring or just getting out of bed.
So if it’s my turn to write to you, no need for getting sore,
I may think that I’ve written and don’t want to be a bore.

Remember that I love you and I wish that you were near,
But now it’s nearly mail time so I must say good-bye dear.
I stand beside the mailbox with a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter … I opened it instead!

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ONE-LINERS:

~I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

~I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

~I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

~Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

~I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

~I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

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Please join Will and Guy in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 73. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

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pic of the day:

picture of pink rosebud
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow mushrooms in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake wanted all the profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some poisonous varieties in his partner’s section.

When Abe found out, he had Jake arrested.

The charge of attempted murder was dismissed for lack of evidence, but the court did find Jake guilty of corrupting the morels of a miner.

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A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”

When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”

Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

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A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter.

She sees, “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”.

She says to the salesperson, “I don’t want to get emotionally involved…I just want to smell nice.”

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Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, “39 and holding.”

Johnny thought about that and then asked: “And how old would you be if you let go?

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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand – to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“Exactly,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ~What does an Armenian Christmas dinner consist of?
In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce, and spinach. The meal is traditionally eaten after the Christmas Eve service, in commemoration of the supper eaten by Mary on the evening before Christ’s birth.

~What would you do with a trencher? The modern dinner plate is a fairly recent development. Until the 15th century, it was customary to eat on a thick slice of stale bread, called a “trencher,” that soaked up the juice.

~Who was the first American with indoor plumbing? Poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was the first American to have plumbing installed in his house, in 1840.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much – Mother Teresa

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . [O]ur lives are like soap operas. We can go for months and not tune into them, then six months later we look in and the same stuff is going on. – Jane Wagner