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Humor for December 21, 2016

Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won’t work. – Thomas A. Edison

TODAY – DECEMBER 21st – WEDNESDAY

356th day of 2016 with 10 days to follow. Moon is last quarter with 47% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Anne & Samantha Day (celebrated bi-annually on the summer solstice and the winter solstices. It honors Anne Frank and Samantha Smith)
~ Blue Christmas (Longest Night; day in Advent season marking longest night of the year)
~ Crossword Puzzle Day
~ Humbug Day
~ International Dalek Remembrance Day (recognition of the first time that the Daleks appeared on Doctor Who in 1963)
~ Look on the Bright Side Day
~ Mumping Day / St. Thomas Day (a day for begging before Christmas)
~ National Flashlight Day
~ National French Fried Shrimp Day
~ National Homeless Persons’ Remembrance Day (on first day of winter)
~ Phileas Fogg Win A Wager Day
~ Winter Solstice (Winter) at 4:44 AM Central)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1805 Thomas Graham, Glasgow, Scotland, British chemist (pioneering work in dialysis and the diffusion of gases)
  • 1890 Hermann Joseph Muller, New York City, New York, geneticist (Nobel / physiological and genetic effects of radiation (X-ray mutagenesis))
  • 1892 Rebecca West, British book reviewer & author (Black Lamb and Grey Falcon, The Return of the Soldier, The Fountain Overflows)
  • 1935 Phil Donahue, Cleveland, Ohio, talk show host (creator and host of The Phil Donahue Show )
  • 1946 Carl Wilson, Hawthorne, California,  musician (The Beach Boys)
  • 1948 Samuel L Jackson, Washington D.C., actor (Pulp Fiction, Jurassic Park, Patriot Games, Iron Man, Afro Samurai, Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Hateful 8, The Legend of Tarzan)
  • 1954 Chris Evert, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, tennis player and coach (reached 34 Grand Slam singles finals, more than any player, man or woman, in the history of professional tennis)
  • 1957 Ray Romano, Queens, New York, actor (Ray Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond; Manny in the Ice Age movies, Parenthood)
  • 1966 Kiefer Sutherland, British-born Canadian actor (Jack Bauer on ’24′, A Few Good Men, Young Guns, The Wild, Designated Survivor)
  • 1984 Jackson Rathbone, Singapore,  actor (The Twilight Saga, The Last Airbender, Finding Carter, Tokal)

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Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries Not Included.
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1620 William Bradford and the Mayflower Pilgrims land on what is now known as Plymouth Rock in Plymouth, Massachusetts.
  • 1861 Medal of Honor: Public Resolution 82, containing a provision for a Navy Medal of Valor, is signed into law by President Abraham Lincoln.
  • 1913 Arthur Wynne’s “word-cross”, the first crossword puzzle, is published in the New York World.
  • 1937 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first full-length animated film, premieres at the Carthay Circle Theater.
  • 1968 Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, is launched from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. The crew performs the first ever manned Trans Lunar Injection and become the first humans to leave Earth’s gravity.
  • 1969 The Gay Activists Alliance is formed in New York City.
  • 1994 Mexican volcano Popocatepetl, dormant for 47 years, erupts gases and ash.
  • 1995 The city of Bethlehem passes from Israeli to Palestinian control.
  • 1999 The Spanish Civil Guard intercepts a van loaded with 950 kg of explosives that ETA intended to use to blow up Torre Picasso in Madrid.

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A Politically Correct Christmas Greeting . . .

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;

Additionally,

a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

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A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. ‘That should be obvious,’ he responded, ‘the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.’

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ONE-LINERS: All I Needed to Know About Life I learned from Santa , , ,
~ Encourage people to believe in you.
~ Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.
~ Don’t pout.
~ It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.
~ Some days it’s ok to feel a little chubby.
~ Make your presents known.
~ Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
~ Bright red can make anyone look good.
~ Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.
~ If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.
~ Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say: “HO, HO, HO!”
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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, ‘You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’

‘Why?’ she asks.

‘Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.’

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After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I’m writing to General Motors!”

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pic of the day: Santa Claus is Coming to Town. . .


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GAME PUNS!
From the 2011 O. Henry Pun-Off, this one by former winner Carlotta Stankiewicz and her eleven-year-old daughter, Ella.

GAME BOARD PUNS

Carlotta: “I asked GUESS WHO to play a game, you see.”

Ella: “GAME? BOARD.” She said to me.

“MONOPOLY-ease! It’s MARBLE-ous to play games with those UNO.”

“DICE try. Get a CLUE. CHESS leave me alone.”

“CHECKERS out! Such AGGRAVATION – it cut like a knife!”

“And then MAH JONG daughter said, ‘SORRY. That’s LIFE.'”

“It BOGGLEd my MASTERMIND, made my CRANIUM ache.”

“Can’t we CONNECT FOUR a while?”

“Too much TROUBLE to take. Such a TRIVIAL PURSUIT. YAHTZEE it my way!

“MANCALA friend and ask her to play.”

“CHUTES! AND LADDER off the ROOK so easy?”

“I had to TWISTER arm or RISK her thinking board games PARCHEESI.”

“I had to SCRABBLE for a new approach to this OPERATION.”

“I could GO FISH for an idea, but – Will FIT different generations.”

“I NiNTENDO play a game, but I won’t PLAY STATION-ary ones.”

“A video GAME, BOY, now that’s a lot more fun.”

“Wait a SEGA – if we think outside XBOX, we’re bound—”

“–to find a game we both like, so the JOYSTICKs around!”

“So let’s get some CANDYLAND some sodas and let this whole thing go. After all, DOM – I NOES the point is to have fun while we play.”

Both: “BINGO!”

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Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, “Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?”

The man replied, “That’s one of the benefits you get of owning the company.”

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* Tinder is available on the new Apple TV app so you can see your matches on your TV screen. It’s pretty romantic — you can go from finding a person with your remote control, to fighting over the remote control with that person. – Jimmy Fallon
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Dad’s pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him–lights flashing.

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer’s hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.

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My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from “Josh” at the bank regarding my account.

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh’s last name was. I explained that he hadn’t left his last name.

Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn’t know that either.

“There are 1500 employees in this building, ma’am,” she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

“Danielle,” she said.

“And your last name?” I asked.

“Sorry,” she replied, “we’re not allowed to give last names.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is Mumping or St. Thomas’s Day on December 21? This is a day on which the poor used to go about begging, or, as it was called, “going a-gooding,” that is, getting gifts to procure good things for Christmas (mump, to beg).

~What is Tex best known for? Western singer and cowboy star Tex Ritter was born Woodward Maurice Ritter. He was nicknamed “America’s Most Beloved Cowboy” and is likely best remembered for singing the award-winning title song in the Gary Cooper/Grace Kelly classic, High Noon (1952).

~How many Oreos have been made over the years? If every Oreo cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other (more than 345 billion), the pile would reach to the moon and back more than five times. Then again, if placed side-by-side, they would encircle the earth 381 times at the equator. The 345 billion Oreo cookies sold to date would fill up the world’s largest freight train, consisting of 660 freight cars, more than 45 times.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’  or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’  ~ Dave Barry

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind.  To cherish peace and good will, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.  ~ Calvin Coolidge, 1927