Tag Archives: sheep picture

Humor for July 12, 2017

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – The Dalai Lama

TODAY – JULY 12th – WEDNESDAY

193rd day of 2017 with 172 days to follow. Moon waning with 90% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Pecan Pie Day
~ Different Colored Eyes Day
~ National Cell Phone Courtesy Month
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1817 Henry David Thoreau, Concord, Massachusetts, writer and philosopher (Walden, or Life in the Woods)
  • 1854 George Eastman, Waterville, New York, inventor and philanthropist (invented Kodak camera; founded Eastman Kodak Company)
  • 1864 George Washington Carver, Diamond, Missouri, botanist (studied the peanut)
  • 1895 Oscar Hammerstein II, NYC, New York, lyricist who worked with Richard Rodgers
  • 1895 R Buckminster Fuller, Milton, Maine, architect (invented geodesic dome)
  • 1908 Milton Berle, Manhattan, New York, comedian and actor (first major star of US television; NBC’s Texaco Star Theater)
  • 1917 Andrew Wyeth, Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania, artist (American realist painter, one of the best-known of the 20th century and sometimes referred to as the “Painter of the People” due to his popularity with the American public)
  • 1934 Harvey Lavan “Van” Cliburn Jr, Shreveport, Louisiana, pianist (won International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition at age of 23)
  • 1941 Benny Parsons, Wilkes Co., North Carolina, NASCAR driver (“Mr. Professor”, announcer/analyst on TBS, ESPN, NBC & TNT)
  • 1948 Richard Simmons, New Orleans, Louisiana, exercise guru (Deal-a-Meal)
  • 1949 Rick Hendrick, Warrenton, North Carolina, NASCAR team owner (Hendrick Motorsports), Hendrick Marrow Program
  • 1951 Cheryl Ladd, Huron, South Dakota, actress (Charlie’s Angels, Purple Hearts, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story)
  • 1956 Sandi Patty, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, contemporary Christian music artist (The Voice)
  • 1957 Rick Husband, Amarillo, Texas, U.S. Air Force Colonel, Astronaut (STS-96, STS-107 / commander of Columbia)
  • 1971 Kristi Yamaguchi, Hayward, California, figure skater (1992 Olympic Champion & U.S. Champion, won 2 World Figure Skating Championships / celebrity winner on 6th season of Dancing w/the Stars)
  • 1978 Michelle Rodriguez, San Antonio, Texas, actress (The Fast and the Furious, Blue Crush, Resident Evil , S.W.A.T., Fast & Furious, Avatar, Furious 7)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
Be the hero of your own life story. – Ben Burtt from WALL-E
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1804 Former United States Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton dies a day after being shot in a duel.
  • 1862 The Medal of Honor is authorized by the United States Congress.
  • 1909 16th Amendment passed in Congress (power to tax incomes).
  • 1960 Etch-A-Sketch, the drawing toy, first manufactured.
  • 1962 Rolling Stones perform their first ever concert, at the Marquee Club in London, England, United Kingdom.
  • 1973 A fire destroys the entire 6th floor of the National Personnel Records Center of the United States.
  • 2011 Neptune completes its first orbit since its discovery on September 23, 1846.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS:
The following article was written anonymously by a mother who lives in Austin, Texas, USA. It is about things that she has learned from being the mother of small boys.

~ A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

~ If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

~ If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 foot room.

~ When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

~ A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

~ Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

~ Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

~ Super glue is forever.

~ No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Also; Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

~ Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

~ Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

~ Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

~ The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

~ It will, however, make cats dizzy. Also; Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Sheep Grazing


~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day.

He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie.

A passerby who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask “What’s happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?”

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, “I’m just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat– the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

AGE-ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER (AAADD)

This is how it goes…

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I’m going to do the laundry…BUT FIRST I’m going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table.

OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack….BUT FIRST I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes.

Now where is the checkbook? Oops…there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook…BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here?

I’ll just put it away….BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and…Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat! Oh yeah, cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants….BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control…And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because…I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY.

I realize this condition is serious…I’ve got to get help.

BUT FIRST…I think I’ll check my email…
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow

– Text on Web pages display as Morse Code.
– Graphics arrive via FedEx.
– You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
– You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
– Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. – Playboy web site exhibits “Playmate of the year”…for 1989.
– You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “Ping Pong”.
– Everyone you talk to on the ‘net phone’ sounds like Forrest Gump.
– You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
– You click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.

He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. “Oh, about $200 today,” replied the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I’m out.”

The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Okay,” he said, “Here is the check for $1,000. It’s postdated six years from now.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: What are the origins of the Shroud of Turin? The origin of the relic is hotly disputed. Indeed, it may be impossible to ever fully resolve the controversy over the cloth because some believers are willing to accept supernatural explanations for the creation of the image, which lack falsifiability, while most skeptics do not consider any supernatural explanations to be acceptable. Three independent radiocarbon datings of the shroud (all working from the same controversial sample) date it between 1260 and 1390. Some have suggested that the shroud being caught in the fire could have effectively increased the level of Carbon 14 in the cloth leading to a date in history later than the burial of Jesus.

~Didn’t Batman’s sidekick, Robin, die a few years ago? He did, but it’s probably not the Robin you’re thinking of. The editors at DC Comics had slowly had Dick Grayson’s (the first Robin) character age over the years and the time came when he left Batman’s side to become another hero, Nightwing. The Dark Knight took on a new sidekick, Jason Todd, a young street orphan whom he first encountered while he attempted to steal tires off the Batmobile. Unlike Grayson, this second Robin did not blossom under Batman’s tutelage and his impulsiveness led to his death at the hands of Batman’s arch-nemesis, the Joker. Batman has since taken on a third Robin named Tim Drake.

~How much does a shrew eat? Small animals like bats and shrews consume up to one and one half times their body weight in food every day. For an adult male, this would be like eating 1,000 quarter-pound cheeseburgers a day, every day; or about 50 Thanksgiving dinners a day.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: Only a lawyer could write an eighty-page document and call it a brief.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Better to get up late and be wide awake than to get up early and be asleep all day. – Anonymous