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Humor for August 9, 2017

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. – E.B. White

TODAY – AUGUST 9th – WEDNESDAY

221st day of 2017 with 144 days to follow. Moon is waning with 97% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Book Lover’s Day
~ National Rice Pudding Day
~ International Day of the World’s Indigenous People
~ National Picnic Month
~ National Sandwich Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1593 Izaak Walton, English writer/angler (The Complete Angler)
  • 1896 Jean Piaget, Neuchâtel, Switzerland, psychologist (theory of cognitive development )
  • 1899 P. L. Travers, Maryborough, Queensland, Australia, author (Mary Poppins)
  • 1927 Daniel Keyes, Brooklyn, New York, author (Flowers for Algernon)
  • 1927 Robert Shaw, England, actor (Deep, Jaws, Sting, Black Sunday)
  • 1944 Sam Elliot, Sacramento, California, actor (We Were Soldiers, Big Chill, Fatal Beauty, The Golden Compass, Avenger, The Ranch)
  • 1949 Jonathan Kellerman, NYC, psychologist/writer (psychopathology, Alex Delaware mysteries/suspense)
  • 1963 Whitney Houston, Newark, New Jersey, singer/actress (One Moment in Time, The Bodyguard, The Preacher’s Wife)
  • 1968 Gillian Anderson, Chicago IL, actress (Dana Scully – X Files, Princess Monoke, The Fall, American Gods)
  • 1976 Jessica Capshaw, Columbia, Missouri, actress (Jamie Stringer – The Practice; Dr. Robbins – Grey’s Anatomy)
  • 1983 Ashley Johnson, Camarillo, California, actress (Growing Pains, What Women Want, Teen Titans, Ben 10 Alien Force, Blindspot)

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Every day is a good day. -Yun-Men
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1842 US-Canada border east of Rocky Mountains defined by Webster-Ashburton Treaty.
  • 1859 First U.S. patent (No. 25,076) for an escalator idea called “Revolving Stairs” was issued to Nathan Ames, of Saugus, Massachusetts.
  • 1892 Thomas Edison receives a patent for a two-way telegraph.
  • 1907 The first Boy Scout encampment concludes at Brownsea Island in Southern England.
  • 1930 Betty Boop debuts in Max Fleischer’s animated cartoon Dizzy Dishes.
  • 1944 Smokey the Bear debuts on US Forest Service posters.
  • 1945 Atomic bomb, “Fat Man”, dropped by the US B-29 Bockscaron on Japan, destroying part of Nagasaki.
  • 1969 Charles Manson cult members brutally murder pregnant actress Sharon Tate, coffee heiress Abigail Folger, Polish actor Wojciech Frykowski, men’s hairstylist Jay Sebring, and recent high-school graduate Steven Parent in Los Angeles, California.
  • 1971 Le Roy (Satchel) Paige inducted into baseball’s Hall of Fame.
  • 1974 As a direct result of the Watergate scandal, Richard Nixon becomes the first President of the United States to resign from office. His Vice President, Gerald Ford, becomes president.

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. ”

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A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

“Please wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

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ONE-LINERS: You Know You’ve Still Had Too Much Coffee When…

*You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table

*The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house

*You’re so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans”

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

*You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

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pic of the day: Sheep Grazing


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO…
What’s wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don’t talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That’s baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I’m busy!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a mosquito
Go away, sucker!

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A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.

“Eight,” he replied.

The preparer asked, “Would you mind repeating that?”

The man replied, “Not if I can help it.”

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A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player.

Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the performance.”

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GOLDEN OLDIE.. . A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren’t hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, “Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam.”

Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla.

One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn’t yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, “Help! Help!”

About that time the lion spoke up and said, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

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A man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Pastor,” he whispered, “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How high does a mallard build its nest? Mallard nests are sometimes built at a height of 40 feet above ground. Surprisingly, when leaving their nests for the first time, chicks are very rarely hurt due to falling to the ground.

~How many birds can fly backwards? But a single one – The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

~Where is Montezuma’s Castle? Tucked into a limestone recess high above the Verde Valley of Arizona stands Montezuma’s Castle, one of the best preserved and most easily accessible cliff ruins in all of North America. This five-story, twenty-room cliff dwelling served as a “high-rise apartment building” for prehistoric Sinagua Indians more than 600 years ago. Early settlers assumed that the imposing structure was connected to the Aztec emperor Montezuma, but this “castle” was abandoned almost a century before Montezuma was born.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won’t fix.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If you judge people, you have no time to love them.Mother Teresa