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Humor for April 10, 2017

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. – Sir Winston Churchill

TODAY – APRIL 10th – MONDAY

100th day of 2017 with 265 days to follow. Moon is full with 100% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Golfer’s Day
~ National Cinnamon Crescent Day
~ National Siblings Day
~ Richard’s Canadian Citizenship Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1794 Matthew C. Perry, Newport, Rhode Island, Commodore of U.S. Navy (War of 1812, leading role in opening of Japan to the West, Father of the Steam Navy)
  • 1796 James “Jim” Bowie, Logan County, Kentucky, pioneer and soldier (prominent role in Texas Revolution, died in Battle of the Alamo)
  • 1829 William Booth, English Methodist preacher and founder of the Salvation Army
  • 1847 Joseph Pulitzer, Hungarian-American journalist and publisher (St. Louis Dispatch and New York World, best known for establishing the Pulitzer Prizes)
  • 1915 Harry Morgan, Detroit, Michicgan, actor (Colonel Sherman T. Potter in M*A*S*H, Officer Bill Gannon on Dragnet, December Bride, Hec Ramsey)
  • 1921 Chuck Connors, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Lucas McCain in The Rifleman, Old Yeller, The Big Country, Geronimo, Flipper, Branded, Dark Shadows, Soylent Green, Virus)
  • 1932 Omar Sharif, Egyptian actor (Lawrence of Arabia, Doctor Zhivago, Funny Girl, Hildago, One Night with the King)
  • 1941 Paul Theroux, Medford, Massachusetts, author (The Great Railway Bazaar, The Mosquito Coast, Blinding Light)
  • 1952 Steven Seagal, Lansing, Michigan, martial artist (1st foreigner to operate an Aikido dojo in Japan) and actor (Under Siege, On Deadly Ground, The Patriot, Exit Wounds)
  • 1954 Peter MacNicol, Dallas, Texas, actor (Ghostbusters II, Sophie’s Choice, Bean, Ally McBeal, 24, Chicago Hope, NUMB3RS, Veep)
  • 1982 Chyler Leigh, Charlotte, North Carolina, actress (Dr. Lexie Grey on Grey’s Anatomy, Not Another Teen Movie, Supergirl)
  • 1984 Mandy Moore, Nashua, New Hampshire, singer/actor (A Walk to Remember, Chasing Liberty, voice of Rapunzel in Tangled)
  • 1991 A.J. Michalka, Torrance, California, actress and singer (The Lovely Bones, Secretariat, The Guardian, Oliver Beene, The Goldbergs)

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One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. – Euripides
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 837 Halley’s Comet and Earth experienced their closest approach to one another when their separating distance equaled 0.0342 AU (3.2 million miles).
  • 1606 The Charter of the Virginia Company of London is established by royal charter by James I of England with the purpose of establishing colonial settlements in North America.
  • 1866 The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) is founded in New York City by Henry Bergh.
  • 1874 The first Arbor Day is celebrated in Nebraska.
  • 1912 The Titanic leaves port in Southampton, England for her first and only voyage.
  • 1916 The Professional Golfers Association of America (PGA) is created in New York City.
  • 1925 The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald is first published in New York City, by Charles Scribner’s Sons.
  • 1953 Warner Brothers premieres the first 3-D film from a major American studio, entitled House of Wax.
  • 1972 Seventy-four nations sign the Biological Weapons Convention, the first multilateral disarmament treaty banning the production of biological weapons.

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Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trail head reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board.

A red arrow on the map that said “You are here” caught my six year old’s attention.

Pointing to it he asked. “How do they know that?”

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My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

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ONE-LINERS:

~I filled out an application that said “In Case Of Emergency Notify:”. I wrote “Doctor”… What’s my mother going to do?

~You’ll never find anyone who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

~You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

~The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

~The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

~There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

~There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

~If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

~Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

~Follow your dream — unless it’s the one where you go to work in your underwear.

~The one thing that separates us from the animals is that we’re not afraid of vacuum cleaners.

~When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
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More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don’t want to work in the computer industry, it’s just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.

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pic of the day: Time For Ewe To Rest

pic of sheep
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The Centers for Disease Control recently announced that it has discovered an new viral infection that affects honeybees. The virus attacks the inner ear of the bee, causing it to stagger in its flight.

When the bee attempts to land on a blossom, it misses and hits the petal instead. This violent contact with the plant results in the transfer of the virus from the bee to the plant.

Once the plant is infected, it quickly withers and dies.

The CDC has named this virus “The Blight of the Fumble Bee.”

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Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Ahhh, talk about getting your ‘just deserts!- Alice sat back down and prepared to enjoy the upcoming show.

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The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS (keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.

AYPI: And Your Point Is?

AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?

BEG: Big Evil Grin

HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding

TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!

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GOLDEN OLDIE. . . Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer replied, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yes, but you started it.”

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Bar-B-Q – It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman “fixes” the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why do hummingbirds hum? The hum of a hummingbird comes from the super-fast beat of the wings. The smallest ones beat their wings the fastest – up to 80 times per second. Even the slower beat of bigger hummingbirds (20 times per second) is so fast you can only see a blur.

~How far do mammals migrate? Gray whales migrate 12,000 miles each year, farther than any other mammal.

~How fast are ostriches? Ostriches are such fast runners, they can outrun a horse. Male ostriches can roar like a lion.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria! – Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes)
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground. – Theodore Roosevelt