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Humor for June 1, 2017

You learn a lot about people when you play games with them. – Laura Moncur

TODAY – JUNE 1st – THURSDAY

152nd day of 2017 with 213 days to follow. First quarter of moon with 50% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Dare Day
~ Flip a Coin Day
~ Global Day of Parents
~ International Neighbours’ Day
~ National Hazelnut Cake Day
~ World Milk Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1878 John Masefield, English novelist and poet (The Midnight Folk, Sea-Fever (All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by))
  • 1926 Andy Griffith, Mount Airy, North Carolina, actor (The Andy Griffith Show, Matlock)
  • 1926 Marilyn Monroe, Los Angeles, California, actress (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, The Seven Year Itch, Bus Stop)
  • 1930 Edward Woodward, English actor (Callan, The Wicker Man, The Equalizer, Five Days, EastEnders)
  • 1937 Morgan Freeman, Memphis, Tennessee, actor (Driving Miss Daisy, The Shawshank Redemption, Unforgiven, The Sum of All Fears, Batman Begins, The Lego Movie, Transcendence, Lucy, London Has Fallen, Going In Style)
  • 1937 Colleen McCullough, Australian novelist (The Thorn Birds, Morgan’s Run, Masters of Rome Series)
  • 1940 René Auberjonois, NYC, New York, actor (Father Mulcahy in film M*A*S*H, Chef Louis in The Little Mermaid, Clayton on Benson, Odo on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Paul Lewiston on Boston Legal, Ben 10: Omniverse, Madam Secretary)
  • 1948 Powers Boothe, Snyder, Texas, actor (The Story of Jim Jones, Deadwood, Tombstone, 24, Hatfields & McCoys, Nashville, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
  • 1964 Mark Curry, Oakland, California, actor (Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, Armageddon, It’s Showtime at the Apollo, See Dad Run)
  • 1969 Teri Polo, Dover, Delaware, actress (Meet the Parents, I’m With Her, The West Wing, The Fosters)
  • 1977 Sarah Wayne Callies, La Grange, Illinois, actress (Prison Break, The Walking Dead, Into the Storm, Colony, Prison Break: Resurrection)
  • 2000 Willow Shields, Albuquerque, New Mexico, actress (Beyond the Blackboard, The Hunger Games, A Fall from Grace, Dancing with the Stars season 20, Into the Rainbow)

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I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others. – Jennifer Louden
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1779 Benedict Arnold, a general in the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War, is court-martialed for malfeasance.
  • 1792 Kentucky is admitted as the 15th state of the United States.
  • 1796 Tennessee is admitted as the 16th state of the United States.
  • 1812 War of 1812: U.S. President James Madison asks the Congress to declare war on the United Kingdom.
  • 1813 James Lawrence, the mortally-wounded commander of the USS Chesapeake, gives his final order: “Don’t give up the ship!”
  • 1831 James Clark Ross discovers the North Magnetic Pole.
  • 1890 The United States Census Bureau begins using Herman Hollerith’s tabulating machine to count census returns.
  • 1974 The Heimlich maneuver for rescuing choking victims is published in the journal Emergency Medicine.
  • 1980 Cable News Network (CNN) begins broadcasting.
  • 1990 George H. W. Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev sign a treaty to end chemical weapon production.
  • 2009 General Motors files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It is the fourth largest United States bankruptcy in history.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive airhead female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! … my stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” and there’s nothing here!”

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A couple of Kentucky hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”

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ONE-LINERS: Analogies and Metaphors
These came from the annual “Dark and Stormy Night” competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

~ Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
~ His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
~ He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
~ She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
~ The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
~ The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
~ McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
~ From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
~ Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
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** Warning Labels on Appliances **

~ On Odour Eaters: Please do not eat.
~ On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.
~ On stockings: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
~ On gloves: For best results, do not leave at the crime scene.
~ On a fridge: Refrigerate after opening.
~ On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
~ On a cardboard windshield sun-shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place”.
~ On an infant’s bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
~ On a calendar: Use of term “Sunday” for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
~ On a microscope: Objects in view are bigger and more frightening than they appear.
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pic of the day: Sunset..


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Disaster in the laboratory: Scientists were working on an experiment trying to clone monkeys when one of the monkeys blew up.

The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus pieces.

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After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed. “Lord, it’s up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, He answered my prayer — on the eighth time around the block, there it was …

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Nine year old Dewey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Dewey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

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GOLDEN OLDIE. . . Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“It says not to eat them if the seal is broken,” Little Johnny explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

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** Wise Words **

~ One good turn gets the duvet.

~ The early worm gets eaten!

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

~ There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

~ The second mouse gets the cheese.

~ Hotel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.

~ Never kick a fresh cowpat on a hot day.

~ Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

~ When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

~ To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Is that a stork or a statue? The shoebill stork, native to Africa, is often compared to a statue. The bird will stand perfectly still for long periods waiting for fish to come to surface in the water.

~What does moussaka consist of? Coined about 1930, the popular Greek dish moussaka consists of layers of seasoned ground lamb and eggplant, and is usually topped with a custard or cheese sauce and baked.

~How common are phobias? According to the Anxiety Disorders Association, one in 11 people suffer from some kind of phobia at some time in their lives. Psychologists know little about the origin of phobias. Women are more prone to phobias than men.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom. – Earl Shoaf