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Humor for April 6, 2017

He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – APRIL 6th – THURSDAY

96th day of 2017 with 269 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 79% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Caramel Popcorn Day
~ National Tartan Day
~ New Beer’s Eve
~ Plan Your Epitaph Day
~ Sorry Charlie Day (in honor of those who have been rejected and lived through it)
~ International Day of Sport for Development and Peace 2017
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1483 Raphael, Italian painter and architect (Madonna of the Meadow, Deposition of Christ, Sistene Madonna)
  • 1890 Anthony Fokker, Dutch aviation engineer, designer of aircraft
  • 1892 Donald Wills Douglas, Sr., Brooklyn, New York, aircraft pioneer and industrialist (McDonnell Douglas Corporation)
  • 1892 Lowell Thomas, Woodington, Ohio, author, broadcaster and traveler (Lawrence of Arabia, Beyond Khyber Pass, Raiders of the Deep, Wings Over Asia, Back to Mandalay, True Great Adventures)
  • 1928 James Dewey Watson, Chicago, Illinois, molecular biologist, geneticist & zoologist (co-discovered structure of DNA)
  • 1937 Merle Haggard, Oildale, California, singer-songwriter and musician (Bakersfield sound; Okie from Muskogee)
  • 1947 John Ratzenberger, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actor (Cliff Clavin in Cheers, recurring cast roles in Pixar films)
  • 1952 Marilu Henner, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Elaine O’Conner Nardo in Taxi, Grand Larceny, Evening Shade, Titanic)
  • 1955 Michael Rooker, Jasper, Alabama, actor (Mississippi Burning, JFK, Tombstone, Rosewood, Jumper, Stargate SG-1, Crime Story, The Walking Dead, Guardians of the Galaxy)
  • 1972 Jason Hervey, Los Angeles, California, actor (Back to the Future, The Wonder Years, 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd)
  • 1975 Zach Braff, South Orange, New Jersey, actor (Dr. John Dorian in Scrubs, Garden State, Chicken Little)
  • 1982 Bret Harrison, Portland, Oregon, actor (Reaper and The Loop, Grounded for Life, V, The Astronaut Wives Club, The Ranch)

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The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins.  ~ Heywood Broun
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1808 John Jacob Astor incorporates the American Fur Company, eventually leading him to become America’s first Millionaire.
  • 1889 George Eastman places Kodak Camera on sale for the first time.
  • 1896 In Athens, the opening of the first modern Olympic Games is celebrated, 1,500 years after the original games are banned by Roman Emperor Theodosius I.
  • 1909 North Pole reached by Americans Robert Peary & Matthew Henson.
  • 1930 Hostess Twinkies invented by bakery executive James Dewar.
  • 1938 Teflon invented by Roy J Plunkett.
  • 1947 The first Tony Awards are presented for theatrical achievement.
  • 1965 Launch of Early Bird, the first communications satellite to be placed in geosynchronous orbit.
  • 1973 The American League of Major League Baseball begins using the designated hitter.
  • 1973 Launch of Pioneer 11 spacecraft.
  • 1998 Travelers Group announces an agreement to undertake the $76 billion merger between Travelers and Citicorp, and the merger is completed on October 8, of that year, forming Citibank.

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THINGS THE PROFESSOR SAYS AND WHAT HE REALLY MEANS
~ Today we’ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night and didn’t have time to prepare a lecture.)

~ The gist of what the author is saying is what’s most important.
(I don’t understand the details either.)

~ The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C)

~ Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone failed.)

~ It’s been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, “I will then give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

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ONE-LINERS:

~I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

~I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

~It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

~I saw a sign “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

~I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

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An old preacher in Alabama during the Dust Bowl scheduled a special prayer service to pray for rain. The church was packed out with folks from far and wife.

The preacher stepped into the pulpit, scanned the assembled congregation, and told everyone, “Y’all can head on home. This service is over!”

The people protested, “But we’ve not prayed for rain!”

“Won’t do a lick of good,” the preacher replied. “Ain’t none of you brought their umbrella!”

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pic of the day: Just Hanging In There!

pic of tree frog
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WACKY NAMES PUN ZONE!
~ Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
~ Military Rule: Marshall Law
~ Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
~ Manana: Stew Layt
~ To be Honest: Frank Lee
~ The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
~ Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
~ The Phillipines Post Office: Imelda Letter
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A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”

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About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.”

She replied, “Yes, that’s true.”

I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

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Management always needs to have the last word. Case in point: During a meeting at our financial consulting firm, a co-worker was asked to guesstimate a realistic closing rate for the larger cases we were handling.

“I’d have to say 20 percent,” he answered.

“No, no, no,” interrupted our boss. “It’s more like one in five!”

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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in trouble now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and realizing the squirrel has probably given away his secret thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance generally only comes with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just ‘youthfully challenged’.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What became of Herman’s punch card business? In the year 1886, Herman Hollerith had the idea of using punched cards to keep and transport information, a technology used up to the late 1970s. This device was originally constructed to allow the 1890 census to be tabulated. In 1896, the Tabulating Machine Company was founded by Hollerith. Twenty-eight years later in 1924, after several take-overs, the company became known as International Business Machines (IBM).

~How many strays are there in New York? More than one million stray dogs and over 500,000 stray cats live in the New York City metropolitan area.

~Was marbles a presidential activity? George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams were all avid collectors and players of marbles. In their day, marbles were called “small bowls,” and were as popular with adults as with children.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. – Ralph Waldo Emerson