Jokes and Trivia for July 15, 2013

Television is the first truly democratic culture – the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. – Clive Cussler

TODAY – JULY 15th – MONDAY

196th day of 2013 with 169 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Tapioca Pudding Day

*Respect Canada Day

*I Love Horses Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1606 Rembrandt van Rijn, Netherlands, painter (Night Watch)
  • 1779 Clement Clarke Moore, New York City, New York, professor / author (‘Twas the Night Before Xmas)
  • 1796 Thomas Bulfinch, Newton, Massachusetts, mythologist (Bulfinch’s Mythology)
  • 1921 Robert Bruce Merrifield, Fort Worth, Texas, biochemist (Nobel / solid phase peptide synthesis)
  • 1922 Leon M. Lederman, New York, experimental physicist (Nobel / neutrinos), Director Emeritus of Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory
  • 1925 Philip Carey, Hackensack, New Jersey, actor (narrated Untamed World, starred in Phillip Marlowe, Tales of the 77th Bengal Lancers, The Rifleman, Laredo, One Life to Live)
  • 1929 Charles Anthony Caruso, New Orleans, Louisiana, tenor (Has distinction of appearing in more performances at the metropolitan Opera than any other performer, working there for 50 years & retiring Jan. 28, 2010)
  • 1931 Clive Cussler, Aurora, Illinois, marine archaeologist, founder of National Underwater and Marine Agencey (NUMA), and author (Dirk Pitt, NUMA Files & Oregon Files adventure novels; Isaac Bell tales and Fargo Adventures)
  • 1938 Barry GoldwaterJr., Scottsdale,  Arizona, politician (U.S. House of Representatives for California 1969-1975)
  • 1939 Patrick Wayne, Los Angeles, California, actor (Rio Grande, Green Berets, Rounder, Shirley, Beyond Atlantis)
  • 1943 Jocelyn Bell Burnell, Northern Ireland, astrophysicist (discovered first radio pulsars w/ supervisor Antony Hewish)
  • 1944 Jan-Michael Vincent, Denver, Colorado, actor (Hooper, Airwolf – Stringfellow Hawke)
  • 1946 Linda Ronstadt, Tucson, Arizona, singer (Different Drum, Blue Bayou)/actress (Pirates of Penzance)
  • 1951 Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Minneapolis, Minnesota, wrestler/actor (Predator, Running Man), 38th governor of Minnesota
  • 1952 Terrance O’Quinn, Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan, actor (John Locke on Lost, The Rocketeer, The Stepfather)
  • 1960 Kim Alexis, Lockport, New York, model (Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover), tv host and actor
  • 1961 Forest Whitaker, Longview, Texas, actor (Bloodsport, Bird, Platoon, Stakeout, Battlefield Earth, Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai)
  • 1967 Adam Savage, New York City, New York, industrial design and special effects designer/fabricator, actor, educator (co-host of Mythbusters)
  • 1962 Brigitte Nielsen, Denmark, actress (Red Sonja, Rocky IV, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II)
  • 1973 Brian Austin Green, Van Nuys, California, actor (Beverly Hills 90210, Knots Landing, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
  • 1976 Diane Kruger, German actress and former model (Helen in Troy, National Treasue, Inglourious Basterds, Mr. Nobody, Unknown)
  • 1976 Gabriel Iglesias, San Diego, California, stand-up comedian (I’m Not Fat… I’m Fluffy)

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You can plan to be brave – it’s even better if you just try to be brave. – Clive Cussler

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1799 The Rosetta Stone is found in the Egyptian village of Rosetta by French Captain Pierre-François Bouchard during Napoleon’s Egyptian Campaign.
  • 1869 Margarine is patented in Paris, for use by French Navy.
  • 1870 Georgia becomes the last of the former Confederate states to be readmitted to the Union.
  • 1870 Hudson’s Bay & Northwest Territories transferred to Canada.
  • 1870 Manitoba becomes 5th Canadian province & NW Territories created.
  • 1888 Bandai volcano (Japan) erupts for 1st time in 1,000 years.
  • 1893 Commodore Perry arrives in Japan.
  • 1910 In his book Clinical Psychiatry, Emil Kraepelin gives a name to Alzheimer’s disease, naming it after his colleague Alois Alzheimer.
  • 1916 The Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products, was founded in Seattle by William Boeing.
  • 1922 1st duck-billed platypus publicly exhibited in US, at NY zoo.
  • 1941 Florey & Heatley present freeze dried mold cultures (Penicillin).
  • 1948 President Truman nominated for another term.
  • 1954 1st commercial jet transport plane built in US tested (Boeing 707).
  • 1959  For the first time in United States history, there is a significant importation of foreign steel due to a steel strike in the U.S..
  • 1975  There was a dual launch of an Apollo spacecraft and a Soyuz spacecraft for the first joint Soviet-United States human-crewed flight. It was also the last launch of both an Apollo spacecraft, and the Saturn family of rockets.
  • 1983 The Nintendo Entertainment System, the best-selling game console of its time, is released in Japan.
  • 2003 AOL Time Warner disbands Netscape. The Mozilla Foundation is established on the same day.

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

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She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, “The big sissy.”

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ONE-LINERS: Questions of Logic

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, “If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I’d be a little bull.”

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. “If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick.”

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, “What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?”

The kid smiles and says, “I’d be a bus driver.”

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pic of the day: Swallowtail on Verbena

Swllowtail on Verbena

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz .

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils ?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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One day, a woman walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the woman says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” the woman says.

“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”

“Nope,” moans the woman, “it’s still too much.”

“Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the woman, “book my husband for next Tuesday!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Tapioca!

~Tapioca is a starch taken from the Manioc plant.

~This species of plant is native to the Northeast of Brazil, but was spread to most of the West Indies, Africa and Asia by Portuguese and Spanish explorers. It is now grown world wide.

~Tapioca is used as a thickening agent.

~Tapioca is gluten-free.

~Tapioca pudding is a sweet dessert pudding made with either coconut milk, cow’s milk or cream, and tapioca.

~This dessert is also called frog spawn by British schoolchildren because of the appearance when tapioca pearls used to make it.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you sit on the road to success you will get run over.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Here is a list of fearful things: The jaws of sharks, a vulture’s wings, The rabid bite of the dog’s of war, The voice of one who went before. But most of all the mirror’s gaze, which counts us out our numbered days. – Clive Cussler

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