Jokes and Trivia for May 27, 2013

Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age. – Christopher Morley

TODAY – MAY 27th – MONDAY

147th day of 2013 with 218 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Memorial Day

*National Grape Popsicle Day

*Sunscreen Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1623 Sir William Petty, English economist, scientist and philosopher. (political arithmetic, ‘laissez-faire’ philosophy in relation to government activity, developed efficient methods of land surveying)
  • 1794 Cornelius Vanderbilt, Staten Island, New York, millionaire (B&O railroad)
  •  1819 Julia Ward Howe, New York City, New York, author/lecturer (Battle Hymn of the Republic)
  •  1837 “Wild Bill” Hickok, [James Butler], Troy Grove, Illinois, cowboy/scout
  •  1894 Dashiell Hammett, St. Marys Co. Maryland, author (Maltese Falcon)
  •  1907 Rachel Louise Carson, Springsdale, Pennsylvania, biologist/ecologist/writer (Silent Spring)
  • 1909 William Webster Hansen, Fresno, California, physicist (founder of microwave technology, contributed to development of radar, developed the klystron)
  •  1911 Vincent Price, St Louis, Missouri, actor (horror films – House on Haunted Hill, Fly, Laura)
  •  1912 Sam Snead, Ashwood, Virginia, golfer (top player for most of 4 decades)
  • 1915 Herman Wouk, New York City, New York, author (The Caine Mutiny, Winds of War, War & Remembrance)
  • 1923 Henry Kissinger, German immigrant to US, Secretary of State (1973-77)/Nobel Peace Prize (1973)
  • 1925 Tony Hillerman, Sacred Heart, Oklahoma, writer (Leaphorn & Chee Navajo tribal police novels/ Dancehall of the Dead, Coyote Waits)
  • 1934 Harlan [Jay] Ellison, Cleveland, Ohio, sci-fi author (7 Hugos, Doomsman, Babylon 5)
  • 1935 Lee Meriwether, Los Angeles, California, Miss America (1955) and actress (Barnaby Jones, Catwoman)
  • 1936 Louis Gossett Jr., Brooklyn, New York, actor (Roots, Officer & a Gentleman, Enemy Mine, Iron Eagle)
  • 1965 Todd Bridges, San Francisco, California, actor (Different Strokes, Everybody Hates Chris, The Smoking Gun)
  • 1969 Jeremy Mayfield, Owensboro, Kentucky, NASCAR driver
  • 1975 Jamie Oliver, English chef and television personality (The Naked Chef, Jamie’s School Kitchen)

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“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”  – Mahatma Gandhi

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1703 St Petersburg (Leningrad) founded by Peter the Great.
  • 1755 First municipal water pumping plant in America was installed at Bethlehem, Pa., by Hans Christopher Christiansen.
  • 1796 First U.S. patent for a piano issued to James Sylvanus McLean of New Jersey, for “an improvement in piano fortes.” The first piano-like instrument known in the U.S. was called a spinet, described in the Boston Gazette of 18 Sep 1769, and was built by John Harris.
  • 1890 Patents for the first jukebox were issued to Louis Glass and William S. Arnold for a “coin actuated attachment for phonographs.” Their first jukebox was a coin-operated Edison Class M Electric Phonograph with oak cabinet placed in the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco.
  • 1907 Bubonic plague breaks out in San Francisco, California.
  • 1930 The 1,046 feet (319 meters) tall Chrysler Building in New York (the tallest man-made structure at the time) opened to the public.
  • 1930 Masking tape patented by inventor Richard G. Drew of St. Paul, Minnesota. Rights were assigned to the 3M Company, which marketed the tape under the trademark “Scotch.”
  • 1933 Walt Disney Company releases the cartoon The Three Little Pigs, with its hit song “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?”
  • 1937 Golden Gate Bridge opened to pedestrian traffic, creating a vital link between San Francisco and Marin County.
  • 1939 DC Comics publishes its second superhero in Detective Comics #27; he is Batman, one of the most topical comic book superheroes of all time.
  • 1958 The F-4 Phantom II makes its first flight.
  • 1964 “From Russia With Love” (James Bond) premieres in US.
  • 1995 Christopher Reeve is paralyzed from the neck down after falling from his horse in a riding competition.

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There’s a story set just after the second world war at Portsmouth dockyard.

One day Ministry of Defence policeman [Mod plod] stopped a worker who was walking out of the dockyard gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The Mod plod opened the package and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings.

The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of any value.

The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the policeman finally said, “OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can’t tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery; tell me what you are stealing.”

“Wheelbarrows,” smiled the worker, “I’m stealing wheelbarrows.”

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My sister’s eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather’s knee and have stories read to him.  One day after a story about Noah’s ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark.  The little boy asked, “Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah’s ark?” 

“Gosh no”, said Granddad.”  

” In that case, how come you didn’t drown when the flood came?”

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An American farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

“How big is your spread?”, asked the American. 

“Well look you, it’s about 20 acres,” he said. 

“Only 20 acres!” the American responded, “Back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm”. 

“Dew dew”, said the Welshman, “I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.”

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ONE-LINERS: Strange Book Titles
The Diagram Prize is awarded each year to the oddest title presented at the Frankfurt Book Fair. Guy agrees that several of these books fall into the ‘must read category’.

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself [A book for woodworkers]

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave

5) Nuclear War: What’s In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10)Waterproofing Your Child

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pic of the day: Tomb of the Unknowns

Tomb_of_the_Unknowns

Tomb of the Unknowns, with U.S. Navy sailor and woman, May 1943 (Wikipedia)

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The otolaryngologist’s fee was exorbitant. I paid through the nose.

The dentist and the hair dresser were fighting tooth and nail.

Some clockmakers are normal, but others are a little cuckoo.

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Q: How many mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs even though they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY???

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS …

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When I worked as a medical intern in a local hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.

It took me some time to understand that he had no insurance coverage.

One thing he had made clear was that he was a World War II veteran, so I had him transported to the Veteran’s Administration hospital, where he’d be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, with a note from the VA:  “Right war, wrong side.”

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,” Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said “Esther I’m 85 years old. if I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”  The pilot over heard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! but if you say one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. he did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “well I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

~ There are over 40 countries known to have tombs dedicated as memorials to unknown soldiers.

~ Some of these include: Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Egypt, Finland, Greece, Israel, Italy, Japan, Phillipines, Portugal, Russia, Spain, United Kingdom and more.

~ The Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia, United States of America, is a monument dedicated to American service members who have died without their remains being identified. It is also known as the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier; it has never been officially named. The World War I “Unknown” is a recipient of the Medal of Honor, the Victoria Cross, and several other foreign nations’ highest service awards.

~ There is also a burial vault and memorial named the “Civil War Unknowns Monument”  honoring unidentified dead from the American Civil War located on the grounds of Arlington House, The Robert E. Lee Memorial, at Arlington National Cemetery.

~ In Washington Square of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, there is a memorial known as The Tomb of the Unknown Revolutionary War Soldier (sometimes written as Tomb of the Unknown Soldier of American Revolution).  It is a war memorial located It honors the thousands of soldiers who died during the American Revolutionary War, many of whom were buried in mass graves in that park.

~Lastly, there is the Tomb of the Unknown Confederate Soldier in Biloxi, Mississippi, bearing the inscription: “Known but to God”.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run around with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. – Stanley Walker

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