Jokes and Trivia for May 15, 2012

The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. –  Tom Bodett

TODAY – MAY 15th – TUESDAY

136th day of 2012 with 230 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Chocolate Chip Day

*Police Officer’s Memorial Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1856 L. Frank Baum, Chittenango, New York, author (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
  • 1859 Pierre Curie, Paris, France, physicist (Nobel /radioactivity)
  • 1890 Katherine Anne Porter, Indian Creek, Texas, author (Ship of Fools)
  • 1891 Fritz Feigl, Vienna Austria-Hungary,  chemist (known worldwide as the creator of “touch analysis”)
  • 1909 James Mason, British actor (Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, Journey into Fear, Duel in the Sun)
  • 1918 Eddy Arnold, Henderson, Tennessee, country music singer (The Tennessee Plowboy)
  • 1931 Ken Venturi, San Franciso, California, golfer (U.S. Open 1964, player of the year 1964)
  • 1942 K. T. Oslin, Crossett, Arkansas, musician & songwriter (country music)
  • 1950 Nicholas Hammond, Washington, D.C., actor (The Sound of Music, The Amazing Spider-Man tv series)
  • 1951 Frank Wilczek, Mineola, New York, physicist (Nobel / Quantum chromodynamics )
  • 1955 Lee Horsley, Muleshoe,  Texas, actor (Nero Wolfe, Matt Houston, Paradise, The Sword and the Sorcerer, recorded audiobook edition of Lonesome Dove)
  • 1967 Laura Hillenbrand, Fairfax, Virginia, author (Seabiscuit: An American Legend)
  • 1978 David Krumholtz, Queens, New York City, actor (A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas )
  • 1981 Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Queens, New York, actress (The Sopranos, Entourage)
  • 1982 Alex Breckenridge, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actress (Dirt, Family Guy )
  • 1982 Jessica Sutta, Miami, Florida, dancer, singer and actress (Pussycat Dolls)

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In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1718 James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world’s first machine gun.
  • 1755 Laredo, Texas is established by the Spaniards.
  • 1776 American Revolution: the Virginia Convention instructs its Continental Congress delegation to propose a resolution of independence from Great Britain, paving the way for the United States Declaration of Independence.
  • 1817 Opening of the first private mental health hospital in the United States, the Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason (now Friends Hospital) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1862 President Abraham Lincoln signs a bill into law creating the United States Bureau of Agriculture. It is later renamed the United States Department of Agriculture.
  • 1869 Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association.
  • 1905 Las Vegas, Nevada, is founded when 110 acres (0.45 km2), in what later would become downtown, are auctioned off.
  • 1911 In Standard Oil Co. of New Jersey v. United States, the United States Supreme Court declares Standard Oil to be an “unreasonable” monopoly under the Sherman Antitrust Act and orders the company to be broken up.
  • 1919 The Winnipeg General Strike begins. By 11:00 am, almost the whole working population of Winnipeg, Manitoba had walked off the job.
  • 1928 Mickey Mouse premiered in his first cartoon, Plane Crazy.
  • 1929 A fire at the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio kills 123.
  • 1940 McDonald’s opens its first restaurant in San Bernardino, California.
  • 1942 World War II: in the United States, a bill creating the Women’s Army Auxiliary Corps (WAAC) is signed into law.
  • 1945 World War II: The final skirmish in Europe is fought near Prevalje, Slovenia.
  • 1948 Following the demise of the British Mandate of Palestine, Egypt, Transjordan, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq and Saudi Arabia invade Israel thus starting the 1948 Arab-Israeli War.
  • 1957 At Malden Island in the Pacific, Britain tests its first hydrogen bomb in Operation Grapple. The device fails to detonate properly.
  • 1958 The Soviet Union launches Sputnik 3.
  • 1960 The Soviet Union launches Sputnik 4.
  • 1963 Project Mercury: The launch of the final Mercury mission, Mercury-Atlas 9 with astronaut L. Gordon Cooper on board. He becomes the first American to spend more than a day in space.
  • 1970 President Richard Nixon appoints Anna Mae Hays and Elizabeth P. Hoisington the first female United States Army Generals.
  • 1972 In Laurel, Maryland, Arthur Bremer shoots and paralyzes Alabama Governor George Wallace while he is campaigning to become President.
  • 2010 Jessica Watson becomes the youngest person to sail, non-stop and unassisted around the world solo.

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The Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here are some current candidates:

Poacher Maino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock–and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300mph into the side of a desert cliff.

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ONE-LINERS: Some interesting facts

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. (yes, they are on one side of the monument)

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a Ladies’ Room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the “1″ encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.(found the owl, not the spider)

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who’s that playing the piano on the “Mad About You” theme? Paul Reiser himself.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.”

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

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pic of the day: Victoria, BC, Canada

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The animals ate in an expensive restaurant. When the bill came …

… the skunk said, “I only have one scent.”

… the gopher said, “I’m in the hole right now.”

… the duck said, “Just put it on my bill.”

… the pelican complained, “The bill is much too large.”

… the sardine said, “I can’t pay. I’ve been canned.”

… the crow said, “I was warned there would be a murder if I pay this bill.”

… the squid stated he couldn’t sign the bill because he was out of ink.

… the deer said, “I’m expecting a little doe in the spring.”

… the ram said, “I was expecting ewe to pay.”

… the cuckoo said, “I lost my nest egg.”

… the frog said, “I’ve only got one green back.”

… the porcupine was thinking, “Which one can I stick for the check?”

… the snake said, “It’s hiss turn to pay.”

… the pig said, “I didn’t bring home the bacon this month.”

… the rhinocerous said: “I’ll just charge it.”

… the amoeba said, “I’ve got to split now.”

… the paramecium said, “I’ll split it with him.”

… the sponge said, “I can’t absorb the cost.”

… the groundhog said, “If you pay I shadow you a favor.”

… the grizzly said, “I’m barely getting along.”

… the koala said, “I’m just a little bear right now.”

… the turtle said, “I shell pay next time.”

… the snail said, “I can’t shell out either.”

… the goose said, “I’m down on my luck.”

… the owl asked, “Whooo? Me?”

… the elephant said, “I never trunk I’d have to pay.”

… the flounder said, “Sorry. I’m flat.”

… the manx cat said, “I know you’ve probably heard this tail before …”

… the dachshund said, “I’m very short, and I’ve got be to getting a long.”

… the pigeon said, “I can only make a deposit.”

… the dolphin said, “I left my wallet at home, but not on porpoise.”

… the cow said, “You’ll have to ask one of the udders. I got no mooo-lah.”

… the electric eel was asked if he could charge it. He answered, “Don’t be shocked, but my account is not current.”

… the bumblebee said “Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzz off.”

… the zebra said, “It’s all black and white. I can’t change my stripes.”

… the mule asked for a kick-back.

… the kangaroo said, “I left home with an empty pouch.”

… the giraffe said, “It just is too high for me.”

… the starfish insisted that he should be comped because he’s a celebrity.

… the mussel said, “Ah, balon-e.”

… the other mollusks just clammed up.

… the chameleon was nowhere to be seen.

… the beaver got up to leave and said, “I’ll be dammed if I’ll pay. You’ll have to ask one of the otters. But it’s been nice gnawing you.”

… the chicken, in a fowl mood, laid it on the line: “I think you’re all so cheep.”

Finally the lion said, “I’m not a cheetah. I’ll pay it. I’ve still got my pride.”

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A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” on the back of a deposit slip.

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that some-one had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note, because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip, or go back
to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: INTERESTING FACTS ON TOUCH . . .

~Touch is the first sense to develop in humans.

~there are approximately 5 million touch receptors in our skin– 3000 particularly in finger tip.

~a touch of any kind can reduce the heart rate and lower blood pressure.

~touch stimulates the release of endorphins –which is why a mother’s hug for a child’s skinned knee can literally make it better.

~people with eating disorders who receive massage three time a day for ten day’s, gain weight faster and got out of the hospital six days sooner than those who don’t.

~elderly people who massage substitute grandchildren report higher-esteem and better moods.

~massage before an athletic event, makes the athlete more flexible, enhanced speed and power, and less prone to injury.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abe Lincoln