Jokes and Trivia for May 23, 2012

Life: It is about the gift not the package it comes in. – Dennis P. Costea, Jr.

TODAY – MAY 23rd – WEDNESDAY

144th day of 2012 with 222 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*World Turtle Day

*National Taffy Day

*Bifocals Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1707 Carolus Linnæus, Swedish botanist/”Father of Taxonomy” (naming plants & animals)
  • 1734 Friedrich Anton Mesmer, Austria, physician/hypnotist (Mesmerism)
  • 1810 Margaret Fuller, Cambridge, Maine, writer/critic 1st pro book review column (New York Tribune)
  • 1898 Scott O’Dell, Mount Kisco, New York, author (Island of the Blue Dolphin, Black Pearl)
  • 1908 John Bardeen, Madison, Wisconsin, physicist (transistor, Nobel 1956, 1972)
  • 1910 Margaret Wise Brown, Brooklyn, New York, author (Goodnight Moon, The Runaway Bunny)
  • 1921 James Benjamin Blish, East Orange, New Jersey, author, winner of several Hugo and Nebula awards (Cities in Flight, After Such Knowledge, The Haertel Scholium, several Star Trek novels)
  • 1925 Joshua Lederberg, Montclair, New Jersey, molecular biologist (genetics – discovered bacteria can mate & exchange genes, artificial intelligence, and space exploration)
  • 1931 Barbara Barrie, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Suddenly Susan, Barney Miller, Dead Like Me, Breaking Away) and author of children’s books (Lone Star, Adam Zigzag)
  • 1933 Joan Collins, England, actress (Alexis Carrington Colby-Dynasty; Edith Keeler-Star Trek original series)
  • 1934 Robert Moog, New York City, New York, inventor (the Moog Synthesizer)
  • 1936 Charles Kimbrough, St. Paul, Minnesota, actor (Murphy Brown )
  • 1939 Jack McCarthy, Massachusetts, poet
  • 1957 Mark Arnold, Broomall, Pennsylvania, actor (Santa Barbara, Guiding Light, The Edge of Night, Rituals )
  • 1958 Drew Carey, Cleveland, Ohio, actor /comedian / game show host (Drew Carey Show, Who’s Line is it Anyway?, The Price is Right)
  • 1961 Karen Duffy, New York City, New York, actress (Fantastic Mr. Fox)
  • 1971 Laurel Holloman, Chapel Hill, North Carolina, actress (The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love, Angel, The L Word )
  • 1974 Ken Jennings, Edmonds, Washington, game show contestant (won 74 games of Jeopardy)
  • 1980 Lane Garrison, Dallas, Texas, actor (Prison Break )
  • 1984 Adam Wylie, San Dimas, California, actor (Picket Fences, Gilmore Girls, guest star: Monk, Sliders, Touched by an Angel, Ben 10: Alien Force)

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Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one. – John Keats

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1701 After being convicted of piracy and of murdering William Moore, Captain William Kidd is hanged in London.
  • 1846 Mexican-American War: Mexico declares war on the United States.
  • 1911 The New York Public Library is dedicated.
  • 1915 World War I: Italy joins the Allies after they declare war on Austria-Hungary.
  • 1929 The first talking cartoon of Mickey Mouse, The Karnival Kid, was released (with Walt Disney as the voice of Mickey Mouse).
  • 1934 American bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde are ambushed by police and killed in Black Lake, Louisiana.
  • 1934 The Auto-Lite Strike culminates in the “Battle of Toledo”, a five-day melée between 1,300 troops of the Ohio National Guard and 6,000 picketers.
  • 1939 The U.S. Navy submarine USS Squalus sinks off the coast of New Hampshire during a test dive, causing the death of 24 sailors and two civilian technicians. The remaining 32 sailors and one civilian naval architect are rescued the following day.
  • 1967 Egypt closes the Straits of Tiran and blockades the port of Eilat at the northern end of the Gulf of Aqaba to Israeli shipping, laying the foundations for the Six Day War.
  • 1995 Oklahoma City bombing: In Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, the remains of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building are imploded.
  • 1995 The first version of the Java programming language is released.
  • 2008 The International Court of Justice (ICJ) awards Middle Rocks to Malaysia and Pedra Branca (Pulau Batu Puteh) to Singapore, ending a 29-year territorial dispute between the two countries.

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Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories.

As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi-stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he recognized him. The driver said: “No Sir, I have never seen you before.” The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: “This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

Doyle said: “This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.”

“There is one other thing,” the driver said.”

“What is that?” said Mr. Doyle.

“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”

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ONE-LINERS:

~You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

~I have a hobby…I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it…

~I broke a mirror in my house. I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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pic of the day: Mmmm… bird-flavored water, yum!

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An old doctor, known to his friends as Doc, would see his last patient of the day and then wander downstairs to the corner tavern every afternoon for his daily medication. Because Doc was a frequent visitor, Dick the bartender had become very accustomed to the doctor’s favorite drink, an acorn daiquiri. Promptly at five o’clock, Dick would squeeze the juice of an acorn into a daiquiri and have the cold drink waiting.

One afternoon, much to his dismay, Dick discovered he had no acorns. Not wanting to disappoint his faithful customer, the resourceful bartender located a hickory nut and squeezed its juices into the daiquiri, hoping the doctor wouldn’t notice.

Old Doc entered the tavern on schedule and, per his custom, sipped the drink to savor its mellow taste.

Doc motioned for the bartender and when he came near said, “This isn’t an acorn daiquiri, Dick.”

“No, it isn’t,” the bartender confessed. “I’m sorry but I ran out of acorns. This is a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

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A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger’s astonishment, eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime.

The Judge asked the man, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes, I do, Judge,” replied the man, “but if you will let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

“You may proceed.”

“I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything real to eat for two weeks,” the man explained. “I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing a fish. I thought ‘if I startled the eagle, I could maybe steal the fish.’ Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and it killed him. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I had killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

The Judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant’s testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by, and the Judge returns.

“Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.” The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honor, it is hard to explain. I guess the best comparison I can make is, it’s a bit more tender than a California Condor, but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl.”

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** Dentist Jokes **

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?
Dentist: $300
Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work, that expensive.
Dentist: O.K. I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

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When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the ‘Painless’ dentist.  However a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

‘He’s a fake!’ Gemima told her friends.  ‘He’s not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him – and he screamed like anyone else.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: TURTLE Trivia

~In 2007, about 1.1 million Americans had at least one pet turtle.

~Turtles cannot stick out their tongues.

~Many people still believe that turtles can come out of their shells. (Sorry, folks, they can’t!)

~This is not true! Counting the growth rings on the top of a turtle’s shell does not tell you his age.

~All turtles lay their eggs on land.

~Talk about slow! Some female turtles take four years to produce an egg after mating!

~In Native American lore, turtles symbolize strength, perseverance, and longevity.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Blood is thicker than water. – Sir Walter Scott

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined. – Henry David Thoreau