Jokes and Trivia for September 10, 2012

In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away – Shing Xiong.

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 10th – MONDAY

254th day of 2012 with 112 to  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Sewing Machine Day (and June 13th)

*Swap Ideas Day

*TV Dinner Day

* National Honey Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1836 Joseph Wheeler, Augusta, Georgia, military commander & politician (rare distinction of serving during war for opposing forces: first as cavalry general in Confederate States Army in Army of Tennessee during 1860s, then in U.S. Army in Spanish-American War; served many terms as U.S. Representative from Alabama)
  • 1839 Isaac Funk, Clifton, Ohio, minister / editor / publisher (Funk & Wagnalls company)
  • 1852 Hans Niels Andersen, Nakskov, Denmark, businessman (founder of the East Asiatic Company)
  • 1892 Arthur Compton, Wooster, Ohio,  physicist (Nobel / discovery of the Compton effect)
  • 1898 Waldo Semon, Demopolis, Alabama,  inventor (methods for making polyvinyl chloride useful, invented vinyl)
  • 1918 Rin Tin Tin, German Shepherd found by American serviceman, movie star (Man from Hell’s River, Where the North Begins, The Lightning Warrior) Succesors played in more movies and on television.
  • 1929 Arnold Palmer, Latrobe, Pennsylvania, golfer (The King / leading money winner in PGA for 1958, 1960, 1962 & 1963)
  • 1931 Philip Baker Hall, Toledo, Ohio,  actor (Bending the Rules)
  • 1934 Charles Kuralt, Wilmington, North Carolina,  journalist (“On the Road” segments on CBS News with Walter Cronkite; 1st anchor CBS News Sunday Morning)
  • 1934 Roger Maris, Hibbing, Minnesota, baseball right fielder (played 12 seasons in MLB, in 1961 broke Babe Ruth’s single-season home run record of 60 runs, record stood for 37 years)
  • 1945 Mike Mullane, Wichita Falls, Texas, retired USAF and NASA astronaut (flew 3 Space Shuttle missions: STS-41-D, STS-27, STS-36)
  • 1949 Bill O’Reilly, New York City, New York,  television host, author, and political commentator (The O’Reilly Factor  )
  • 1953 Amy Irving, Palo Alto, California,  actress (Crossing Delancey, The Fury, Carrie)
  • 1954 Clark Johnson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,  actor (The Dead Zone, Wild Thing, Adventures in Babysitting, Homicide: Life on the Street)
  • 1959 Peter Nelson, Los Angeles, California,  actor (V, The Last Starfighter, The Expendables, Die Hard 2)
  • 1960 Colin Firth, English actor (Pride and Prejudice, The King’s Speech, Hope Springs, Nanny McPhee)

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Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it – Rumi

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1608 John Smith is elected council president of Jamestown, Virginia.
  • 1776 Nathan Hale volunteers to spy for the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War.
  • 1798 At the Battle of St. George’s Caye, British Honduras defeats Spain.
  • 1813 The United States defeats the British Fleet at the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.
  • 1823 Simón Bolívar is named President of Peru.
  • 1846 Elias Howe is granted a patent for the sewing machine.
  • 1932 The New York City Subway’s third competing subway system, the municipally-owned IND, is opened.
  • 1937 Nine nations attend the Nyon Conference to address international piracy in the Mediterranean Sea.
  • 1946  Sister Teresa Bojaxhiu of the Loreto Sisters’ Convent claimed to have heard the call of God while riding a train to Darjeeling, directing her “to leave the convent and help the poor while living among them”. She was later known as Mother Teresa.
  • 1960 At the 1960 Summer Olympics in Rome, Abebe Bikila becomes the first sub-Saharan African to win a gold medal, winning the marathon in bare feet.
  • 1972 The United States suffers its first loss of an international basketball game in a disputed match against the Soviet Union at Munich, Germany.
  • 2001 Charles Ingram cheats his way into winning one million pounds on a British version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
  • 2001 Antonio da Costa Santos, mayor of Campinas, Brazil is assassinated.
  • 2002 Switzerland, traditionally a neutral country, joins the United Nations.
  • 2003 Anna Lindh, the foreign minister of Sweden, is fatally stabbed while shopping, and dies the following day.
  • 2007 Former Prime Minister of Pakistan Nawaz Sharif returns to Pakistan after seven years in exile, following a military coup in October 1999.
  • 2008 The Large Hadron Collider at CERN, described as the biggest scientific experiment in history is powered up in Geneva, Switzerland.

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“I’m new around here,” said the man to the little boy, “Will you please direct me to the bank?”

“I will, but it’ll cost you ten dollars.”

“Why should I pay you so much?”

“Aren’t bank directors always paid a lot?”

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During the first couple of days of school, I asked my third grade students to put their spelling words in alphabetical order.

One student would look at me strangely, shake his head, mumble, and write something on his paper. After repeating this process several times, he finally put his completed word list on my desk and walked off still shaking his head and muttering to himself.

His paper was filled with strange looking words like, “acp,” “ailn,” “eert” and “deks.”

It took a while for me to realize that he had taken my instructions literally and had, indeed, put his spelling words in alphabetical order: “cap,” “nail,” “tree” and “desk.”

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ONE-LINERS: A 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web- deprived. Or have slow connections.

6) I will call someone on the phone whom I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book … if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted to check for email during TV commercials.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it’s necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will be there tomorrow!

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pic of the day: Monarch on Coneflower

Photographer: Becky Boggs

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A woman called her insurance company. “Does my policy cover psychiatric treatment?”

After reviewing her policy, the agent told her, “Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause.”

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The preacher’s wife was in an exotic pet store and she discovered a sign on a cage that said, “Parrot for Sale, $9.95 … includes cage.”

She just could not pass up such a bargain, but she asked the clerk why the parrot was so cheap.

“This parrot used to use the foulest language. We have been retraining him, but we can’t guarantee anything. That is why he is so cheap.”

The preacher’s wife still thought it was a good deal, so she bought the parrot and the cage, took him home, and hung the cage in the kitchen.

She said, “Polly want a cracker?” The parrot started using some of the foulest language she had ever heard … some words she had never even heard before.

She opened the cage, grabbed the parrot by the throat, stuffed him into the freezer and slammed the door. In a few minutes, she opened the freezer door. The parrot’s feathers were ruffled from the cold, but he was okay otherwise.

“You use those words around me again, and I’ll give you more of the same!” The bird nodded but said nothing.

The next day she had a group of widows over for a prayer meeting. Convinced the parrot had learned his lesson, she brought his cage into the living room to show him off.

During prayer time, the parrot cut loose again. The ladies were so embarrassed. The preacher’s wife opened the cage, grabbed the parrot by the throat, and stuffed him into the freezer again.

This time she left him in there about twice as long as before. When she opened the freezer, this time there was frost on his beak. She pulled him out of the freezer and returned him to his cage. The parrot said nothing until all of the ladies had gone.

“Can I ask you a question, ma’am?” the parrot asked.

“What is it?” the preacher’s wife answered.

“What did that turkey in there say?”

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When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the doctor enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Want to celebrate TV Dinner Day? 

~Gerry Thomas is the man who invented both the product and the name of the Swanson TV Dinner.

~In 1953, C.A. Swanson & Sons introduced a new product called, “TV Dinners,” and changed the prepackaged meal industry forever. The Smithsonian Institute inducted the original Swanson TV Dinner tray into the Museum of American History in 1986.

~The term “TV Dinner” is now one and the same with any prepackaged, frozen meal that requires diminutive preparation and contains an entire single-serving meal.

~Modern-day TV dinners can be cooked in the microwave (instead of the oven) and include gourmet recipes as well as organic and vegetarian dishes.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A man isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.  -Knox Manning

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are – John Wooden.