Jokes and Trivia for April 3, 2013

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. – John Wooden, Basketball Coach

TODAY – APRIL 3rd – WEDNESDAY

93rd day of 2013 with 272 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Chocolate Mousse Day

*Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day

*Tweed Day

*Lawn and Garden Month

*Records and Information Management Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1529 Michael Neander, Joachimsthal, Bohemia, German mathematician and astronomer (crater Neander on the Moon is named after him)
  • 1715 William Watson, London, England, English physician and scientist (he showed that the capacity of the Leyden jar could be increased by coating it inside and out with lead foil)
  • 1783 Washington Irving, New York, New York, author (Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Rip Van Winkle)
  • 1822 Edward Everett Hale, Boston, Massachusetts, writer (The Man Without A Country, The Brick Moon, Ten Times One is Ten)
  • 1885 Bud Fisher, Chicago, Illinois, cartoonist (created Mutt and Jeff, first successful daily comic strip in U.S.)
  • 1893 Leslie Howard, English actor (Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind, Berkeley Square, Of Human Bondage, The Scarlet Pimpernel)
  • 1898 George Jessel, Bronx, New York, United States, American comedian (famous in his lifetime as a multitalented comedic entertainer, achieving a level of recognition that transcended his limited roles in movies)
  • 1907 Iron Eyes Cody, Kaplan, Louisiana, actor (The big Trail, Sitting Bull, Nevada Smith, A Man Called Horse, Ernest Goes to Camp; Keep America Beautiful ad in earl 1970s)
  • 1924 Doris Day, Cincinnati, Ohio, actress, singer and animal rights activist (Sentimental Journey, Embraceable You, Secret Love; Romance on the High Seas, On Moonlight Bay, Tea for Two, Calamity Jane)
  • 1924 Marlon Brando, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, Mutiny on the Bounty, The Godfather)
  • 1924 Peter Hawkins, English voice actor (The Adventures of Tintin, Daleks and Cybermen in Doctor Who, Dangermouse)
  • 1926 Gus Grissom, Mitchell, Indiana, American astronaut (2nd American to fly in space)
  • 1928 Kevin Hagen, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Yancy Derringer, Shenandoah, Doc Baker on Little House on the Prairie)
  • 1934 Jane Goodall, English zoologist (world’s foremost expert on chimpanzees)
  • 1942 Marsha Mason, St. Louis, Missouri, actress (Cinderella Liberty, The Goodbye Girl, Chapter Two, Only When I Laugh, Heartbreak Ridge)
  • 1942 Wayne Newton, Norfolk, Virginia, singer and actor (Mr. Las Vegas / Licence to Kill, Ocean’s Eleven)
  • 1944 Tony Orlando, New York City, United States, American musician (Tony Orlando and Dawn )
  • 1956 Ray Combs, Hamilton, Ohio, game show host and comedian (Family Feud 1988-1994)
  • 1958 Alec Baldwin, Long Island, New York, actor  (The Aviator, The Departed)
  • 1959 David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs, New York, actor (Dr. Niles Crane on Frasier, voice of Abe Sapien on Hellboy)
  • 1961 Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn, New York, actor and comedian (48 Hrs, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, The Nutty Professor, Dreamgirls, Donkey in Shrek series, dragon Mushu in Disney’s Mulan)
  • 1971 Picabo Street, Triumph, Idaho, alpine ski racer (gold in 1998 Winter Olympics, 1996 World Championships, World Cup Downhill titles in 1995 & 1996; Dancing with the Stars 2008)
  • 1972 Leigh-Allyn Baker, Murray, Kentucky, actress  (Good Luck Charlie)
  • 1972 Jennie Garth, Urbana, Illinois, actress  (What I Like About You)
  • 1975 Aries Spears, Chicago, Illinois, comedian
  • 1981 Aaron Bertram, Lubbock, Texas, American musician
  • 1986 Amanda Bynes, Thousand Oaks, California, actress (All That, What I Like About You, She’s The Man, Hairspray)

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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. – Bill Cosby

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 33 Generally agreed-upon date for the historical crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth, the central figure of Christianity.
  • 1882 American Old West: Jesse James is killed by Robert Ford.
  • 1885 Gottlieb Daimler is granted a German patent for his engine design.
  • 1922 Joseph Stalin becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.
  • 1936 Bruno Richard Hauptmann is executed for the kidnapping and death of Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., the baby son of pilot Charles Lindbergh.
  • 1948 President Harry S. Truman signs the Marshall Plan, authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.
  • 1968 Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” speech.
  • 1973 Martin Cooper of Motorola made the first handheld mobile phone call to Joel S. Engel of Bell Labs, though it took ten years for the DynaTAC 8000X to become the first such phone to be commercially released.
  • 1974 The Super Outbreak occurs, the biggest tornado outbreak in recorded history. The death toll is 315, with nearly 5,500 injured.
  • 1975 Bobby Fischer refuses to play in a chess match against Anatoly Karpov, giving Karpov the title of World Champion by default.
  • 1981 The Osborne 1, the first successful portable computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.
  • 1996 Suspected “Unabomber” Theodore Kaczynski is arrested at his cabin in Montana, United States.
  • 2000 United States v. Microsoft: Microsoft is ruled to have violated United States antitrust laws by keeping “an oppressive thumb” on its competitors.
  • 2007 Conventional-Train World Speed Record: a French TGV train on the LGV Est high speed line sets an official new world speed record.

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To help improve the economy, the Government has announced that Immigration Services will start deporting seniors. This will lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch than illegals and won’t remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me …

Oh, rats! I’ll see you on the bus!!

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After a Sunday service, the priest ran out of petrol on his way home.   Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away.  Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers.  The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol.  After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot.  Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said: ‘Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine’ but I think you’re pushing your luck with that chamber pot’.

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ONE-LINERS: Signs That You Are Cheap

1. You attend a weekly coupon club.

2. You’ve been driving on the spare tire for over three months.

3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining.

4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church.

5. You’re outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel.

6. You haven’t purchased a name brand product in the past ten years.

7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register.

8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount.

9. Matinee. Every time.

10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.

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pic of the day: Trio of Trillium

picture of trillium

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What do you call a city with 8 million eggs?
A: New Yolk City

Q: What happens when you tell a joke to an egg?
A: It cracks up.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a
Tasmanian Devil?
A: Deviled eggs.

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They say random crime in the city is on the rise, and sadly I must agree. I was at the Post Office the other day to mail off some packages. I had recieved a homemade fruit cake, one of my Aunt’s favorites, but I made the mistake of leaving it on the front seat of my car, in plain view.

As I walked up to the car, I knew there had been trouble when I saw the window glass all broken on the ground. Then when I got closer, I looked in to the front seat and my worst fears had been realized — There were three more fruit cakes piled on top of mine.

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Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris, Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

‘I seriously doubt it’, said the truly proud Hillbilly. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA:  TWEED DAY

~It celebrates the warm, fashionable woolen twill styled material that originated in Scotland. Tweed jackets, suits and slacks are popular.

~Tweed is more popular in the north, and not often worn in the south.

~ Funny Fact — There’s another celebration for this day. You could celebrate the birthday of a corrupt, New York City politician named William Magear “Boss” Tweed. His claim to fame was being convicted of graft and corruption, for stealing millions of dollars from NYC.

~Wearing something tweed from your wardrobe is an absolute must today.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Every man is the architect of his own fortune. – Appius Claudius

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive. – Howard Thurman