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April 11th

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. – Euripides

TODAY – APRIL 11th

102nd day of 2016 with 264 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Louie Louie Day
~ National Alcohol Screening Day
~ National Barbershop Quartet Day
~ National Cheese Fondue Day
~ National Eight Track Tape Day
~ National Pet Day
~ National Submarine Day
~ World Parkinson’s Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1899 Percy Lavon Julian, Montgomery, Alabama, chemist (pioneer in the chemical synthesis of medicinal drugs from plants)
  • 1901 Adriano Olivetti, Italian engineer/manufacturer (typewriters, calculators & computers)
  • 1906 Dale Messick, South Bend, Indiana, cartoonist (creator of Brenda Starr)
  • 1913 Oleg Cassini, Paris, France, fashion designer (for Jackie Kennedy)
  • 1928 Ethel [Skakel] Kennedy, Chicago, Illinois (widow of Robert Kennedy)
  • 1931 John[ny] Sheffield, Pasadena, California, actor (boy in many Tarzan movies; Bomba the Jungle Boy, Bantu the Zebra Boy)
  • 1941 Frederick “Rick” Hauck, Long Beach, California, astronaut (STS-7, STS 51-A, STS-26)
  • 1947 Peter Riegert, The Bronx, New York, actor (Animal House, The Sopranos, The Mask, Dads, Show Me a Hero)
  • 1951 James Patrick Kelly, Mineola, New York, author (Think Like a Dinosaur, Burn, Feeling Very Strange: The Slipstream Anthology)
  • 1970 Johnny Messner, Syracuse, New York, actor (Tears of the Sun, The Whole Ten Yards, Hostage, The Equalizer, The Perfect Weapon)
  • 1971 Vicellous Reon Shannon, Memphis, Tennessee, actor (The Hurricane, Freedom Song, Hart’s War, Pleading Guilty)
  • 1973 Jennifer Esposito, Brooklyn, New York,actress (I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Summer of Sam, Crash, Spin City, Samantha Who?, Blue Bloods)
  • 1979 Josh Server, Highland Park, Illinois, actor (All That, Await the Dawn)
  • 1984 Kelli Garner, Kern County, California, actress (Man of the House, The Aviator, Bully, Thumbsucker, Pan Am)
  • 2000 Morgan Lily, Santa Monica, California, actress (He’s Just Not That Into You, 2012, Flipped, Love’s Resounding Courage)

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An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. – Sir Winston Churchill
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1899 Spain cedes Puerto Rico to the United States.
  • 1905 Albert Einstein reveals his Theory of Relativity (special relativity).
  • 1919 The International Labour Organization is founded.
  • 1945 Allies liberate 1st Nazi concentration camp, Buchenwald, Germany.
  • 1957 Ryan X-13 Vertijet becomes 1st jet to take-off & land vertically.
  • 1968 President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1968, prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing.
  • 1970 Apollo 13 is launched.
  • 1976 The Apple I is created.
  • 1984 Challenger astronauts complete first in space satellite repair.
  • 1993 450 prisoners rioted at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility in Lucasville, Ohio, and continued to do so for ten days, citing grievances related to prison conditions, as well as the forced vaccination of Nation of Islam prisoners (for tuberculosis) against their religious beliefs.
  • 2001 Australia beats American Samoa in a 31-0 win, the biggest ever in an international match of football.
  • 2001 The detained crew of a United States EP-3E aircraft that landed in Hainan, China after a collision with a J-8 fighter, is released.

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A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. “What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

“Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”

“Why’s that, Timmy?”
“Well,” answered Timmy, “the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…”

“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the Scout Master impatiently.
“Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, ‘Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'”
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Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
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ONE-LINERS:
~ It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
~It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
~It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
~Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
~Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an ~censored~.
~Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them
~Keep honking. I’m reloading.
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Things to Say to Ruin a Date
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

~ I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
~ I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.
~ I used to come here all the time with my ex.

~ Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
~ I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.
~ It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.
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pic of the day: Ruby Canyon

Ruby Canyon
About 25 miles long, Ruby canyon is along the Colorado River located on the Colorado-Utah border. The canyon takes its name from the red sandstone cliffs which line the canyon walls. The only access to the canyon outside of rafting is on a train, notably the California Zephyr.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.

~ What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? Hose A and Hose B.

~ What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

~ Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

~ A pessimist’s blood type is always B-.

~ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

~ The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked, “What’s wrong?” is adversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s coming.

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Five doctors: a General Practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist went duck hunting. After a while, a bird came flying overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. “I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said. “I need to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Soon another bird appeared in the sky. This time the pediatrician aimed his gun. However, he said “It might have babies. I need to do some more investigation,” as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a flying bird was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was certain of his intended prey’s identity. “I know it’s a duck, but does *it* know it’s a duck?” While the doctor wrestled with the dilemma, the fortunate bird disappeared.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and said to the pathologist, “Go see if that was a duck, would you?”
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From an actual church bulletin: Choir Positions Available

Opportunities open for soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed or whistled in the bathtub or
shower at some time.

BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. Opportunity for occasional overtime.

RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

We are an equal opportunity employer!

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A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.
“No problem,” the teacher told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” the professor insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”
“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?”
“I don’t know any of these people,” the student exclaimed. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”
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Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.” He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, “What was that about?”

The dog first dog says, “I was just checking my messages.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What did Revlon do during the war? During the 1940s, Revlon contributed directly to the war effort in the 1940s, by manufacturing first-aid kits and dye markers for the U.S. Navy. When the war ended, the cosmetic firm began to produce manicure and pedicure instruments, which were tremendously successful.

~ What’s most important in Japanese business? The Japanese business environment requires strict adherence to rules of etiquette. Graduating students prepare for important job interviews by first learning how to bow properly and show proper manners when entering and seating themselves in the interview room.

~ Who wrote Frankenstein? Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus is a novel by Mary Shelley, first published in London in 1818 but more often read in the revised third edition of 1831. It’s a novel infused with some elements of the Gothic and the Romantic movement and was also a warning against the “over-reaching” of modern man and the Industrial Revolution. The story has had an influence across literature and popular culture and spawned a complete genre of horror stories and films. Many distinguished authors, such as Brian Aldiss, claim that it is the very first science fiction novel.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want to get out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two week’s vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days. – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

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