Use what talents you possess, the woods will be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. – Henry van Dyke
TODAY – APRIL 12th
102nd day of the year (103rd in leap years) with 263 days to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
*National Licorice Day
*Big Wind Day
*Global Day of Action on Military Spending
*Halifax Day (North Carolina)
*Russian Cosmonaut Day (Commemoration of first human in space, Yuri Gagarin)
BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
- 1777 Henry Clay, Hanover Co. Virginia, statesman (KY House, Senator; Speaker, pushed War of 1812)
- 1884 Otto Meyerhof, Hanover, professor (Nobel/ glycolysis)
- 1898 Lily Pons, American soprano (That Girl From Paris, Hitting a New High, I Dream Too Much)
- 1907 Hardie Gramatky, Dallas, Texas, children’s author and illustrator (Little Toot)
- 1916 Beverly Cleary, McMinnville, Oregon, author children/young adult (Henry Huggins, The Mouse & The Motorcycle, Ramona series)
- 1923 Ann Miller [Lucille Ann Collier], Chireno, Texas, dancer/actress (Kiss Me Kate, On the Town)
- 1925 Joe Bowman, Johnson City, Tennessee, sharpshooter, Hollywood consultant, famed boot maker & master showman
- 1928 Brooklyn Supreme, Belgium, stallion, heaviest known horse (1450 kg/3190lb)
- 1932 Tiny Tim [Herbert Butros Khaury], NYC, New York, singer (Tip Toe Thru’ the Tulips With Me)
- 1940 John Hagee, Baytown, Texas, Cornerstone Church pastor and televangelist
- 1946 Ed[ward] O’Neill, Youngstown, Ohio, actor (Big Apple, Married with Children, Modern Family)
- 1947 Tom Clancy, Baltimore County, Maryland, author (Hunt for Red October, Clear & Present Danger)
- 1947 David Letterman, Indianapolis, Indiana, talk show host/ comedian (Late Night)
- 1949 Scott Turow, Chicago, Illinois, lawyer/ writer (Presumed Innocent, Burden of Proof, Reversible Errors)
- 1950 David Cassidy, NYC, New York, singer/actor (Keith-Partridge Family)
- 1954 Jon Krakauer, Brookline, Massachusetts, author (Into the Wild, Into Thin Air, Under the Banner of Heaven)
- 1957 Vince Gill, Norman, Oklahoma, country/ bluegrass musician (Top male vocalist numerous times)
- 1971 Shannen Doherty, Memphis, Tennessee, actress (Little House, Bev Hills 90210, Charmed, 2009 Dancing w/the Stars)
- 1973 J. Scott Campbell, East Tawas, Michigan, comic book artist (Wildstorm Comics, Marvel Comics / The Amazing Spider Man)
- 1974 Marley Shelton, Los Angeles, California, actor (Grand Canyon, The Sandlot, Sugar & Spice, Eleventh Hour, The Lottery)
- 1978 Riley Smith, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, singer (The Life of Riley), actor (Not Another Teen Movie, Radio, New York Minute, Joan of Arcadia, Minuteman, Nashville)
- 1979 Claire Danes, Manhattan, New York, actor (My So-Called Life, Romeo + Juliet, The Hours, Homeland)
- 1979 Jennifer Morrison, Chicago, Illinois, model and actress (Dr. Allison Cameron in House, Once Upon a Time)
When fate hands you a lemon, make lemonade. – Dale Carnegie
- 1606 England adopts the Union Jack as its flag.
- 1844 Texas became a US territory.
- 1861 American Civil War: The war begins with Confederate forces firing on Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina.
- 1865 American Civil War: Mobile, Alabama, falls to the Union Army.
- 1934 The U.S. Auto-Lite Strike begins, culminating in a five-day melee between Ohio National Guard troops and 6,000 strikers and picketers.
- 1935 “Your Hit Parade” debuts on radio.
- 1937 Sir Frank Whittle ground-tests the first jet engine designed to power an aircraft, at Rugby, England.
- 1938 1st US law requiring medical tests for marriage licenses (New York).
- 1945 Harry Truman sworn in as 33rd US President, as President Franklin D Rossevelt died while in office.
- 1955 The polio vaccine, developed by Dr. Jonas Salk, is declared safe and effective.
- 1961 Soviet Union launched first manned spacecraft. Yuri Gagarin became the first human to orbit the Earth and return safely.
- 1980 Terry Fox begins his “Marathon of Hope” at St. John’s, Newfoundland.
- 1981 The first launch of a Space Shuttle: Columbia launches on the STS-1 mission.
- 1987 Texaco files for bankruptcy.
- 1988 Sonny Bono elected mayor of Palm Springs, California.
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!”
“Okay,” the man says, “You take the front and I’ll take the back.”
The Classifieds – Funny ads:
~ Illiterate? Write today for free help.
~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
~ Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.
~ Stock up and save. Limit: one.
~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
~ Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
~ Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
~ Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
~ Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
~ And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
~ We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
ONE-LINERS: Murphy’s Laws:
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
10. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He’s not dead. He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She’s always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the “Juneflower.”
Two airheads had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.
Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. “I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”
pic of the day: Seals at Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s interesting. How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘s’.”
WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o’clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
ANOTHER PUN ZONE!
~What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.
~What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
~The problem with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
~When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.
~She broke into song when she couldn’t find the key.
~Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired.
~When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.
A drunk walks into a bar one night and reads a sign on the wall that says “Ask me about our contest”.
“What’s this about your contest?” the drunk queried.
“Oh yeah,” the bartender said, “we have this contest going. If you can hit the bull’s eye three times in a row, you win a prize.”
“I think I might try your contest,” the drunk replied. “Give me a drink.”
So the bartender fixes him a drink, the man glugs it down, and throws the dart. BANG! It hits the bull’s eye.
“Fix me two drinks!” the drunk says. The bartender complies. The man throws a second dart and BAM! it hits the bull’s eye.
“Wow! Nobody’s ever done two before!” the bartender cried in awe.
“Yeah, well fix me three drinks!” the man says, and the bartender does. BAM! a third dart hits the bull’s eye. By this point, the man is sloppy drunk. “What do I get?” he asked.
The bartender didn’t know what to give him since no one had ever one before. So, he grabbed a turtle out of a terrarium and handed it to the man who then stumbled out of the bar.
A couple of weeks later, the same man comes back into the bar, sober.
“Hey!” the bartender says. “You gonna try our contest again? That was pretty incredible last time.”
“Yeah,” the man says, “I think I will. Give me three darts.” BANG BANG BANG! they all hit the bull’s eye. “So what do I get?” the man asks.
“Well, what did I give you last time?” The bartender questioned.
“I’m not sure,” answered the man, “but I think it was a roast beef sandwich on a hard roll.”
Irritated Boss: “Can’t you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!”
New Secretary: “All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it’s for you.”
A parish priest, Father O’Brien, was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.
Sooo…..Father O’Brien decides to say his own few words while they await the politician’s arrival……
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. What is confessed in there to me, is never repeated on the outside. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I ever heard here.
Realize, please, that I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people at this congregation were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, apologized for his tardiness and then started in on his speech.
“I want to thank you all for letting me say a few words this evening in honor of Father O’Brien. 25 Years is a long time. In fact, when he arrived here, I had the honor of being the first confession he heard at this congregation.”
Now that is bad timing.
TODAY IN TRIVIA: Why was Ben buried upright? Famed British writer Ben Jonson (1573-1637) was buried upright in Westminster Abbey’s Poet’s Corner because he died in debt and couldn’t afford a proper gravesite.
~ Why did Julie keep falling down? Actress Julie Andrews recalled that, during the filming of the majestic opening musical sequence of The Sound of Music (1965), the strong downdraft from the helicopter with the cameraman kept knocking her down as she ran up and down the mountain. Additionally, even though this was the first scene in the film, it was actually the final sequence shot in Europe before the cast and crew returned to the United States.
~ What was Flipper’s real name? Mitzi was the name of the dolphin that played Flipper in the movie. For the TV series, she was replaced by Suzy and Cathy.
QUIP OF THE DAY: You can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time. – Abraham Lincoln
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . . Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale Carnegie